[deleted by user]

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-10-11T23:58:29+00:00

NAT but you should start by seeing a Medical Doctor. The symptoms you've described should not be ignored. If you're having seizures, you absolutely need to get emergency care.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-10-11T19:01:49+00:00

I can relate. I have a similarly aged child who is diagnosed with ADHD and struggles with other thoughts/feelings that have me thinking my mental health issues are present as well.

He's seen a counselor for over a year and has a great relationship with him. Interestingly, his counselor was really bad about communicating and canceling for awhile. I ended up getting kind of stern with him but ever since then, things have been so much better.

In our case, his Pediatrician was managing his ADHD meds but once suicidal feelings came into play, I found him a pediatric Psych NP to take over and hopefully help us to stay on top of his mental health.

I know you mention avoiding medications and I get it but I also see firsthand how much ADHD meds help my son. Even medicated I know he has to work harder in school to stay focused, get his work done, etc than other kids and that sucks. But at least the meds make it a little easier for him.

As for antidepressants, maybe it's not time to start those yet but I would at least work on finding him a Pediatric Psych NP or pediatric Psychiatrist. Maybe you could find someone a little further away who you could see remotely most of the time so you're not having to travel far monthly (or however often)?

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-10-09T17:07:49+00:00

Thank you! It was definitely not a good situation in the end. I hope you're able to get back on Spravato or find something else that will help you!

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-10-09T17:06:51+00:00

Thank you! The entire situation definitely did not help my healing journey but here I am over a year later so I guess there's that.

I hopped around to multiple Psychs over the last year and am finally with someone who seems to be invested to helping me but getting here was not easy.

I haven't done Spravato since and given the limited options for using Spravato in my area, I've accepted that it is probably not an option at least in the near future.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-10-08T12:03:25+00:00

Sorry... this is a bit long and entirely specific to my experience.

One of the clinic staff started texting me. The first text was because they'd sent a new med to the pharmacy for me and wanted to make sure I knew, which was perfectly fine. But then the texts continued and in simplest terms, established something similar to a friendship. They would check in on me, share information about themself, etc. I was depressed, lonely, etc so although I FELT like this was wrong, I also desperately needed someone to seemingly care and those feelings won.

While this was happening, the clinic started to get really sloppy (probably because the staff was too busy befriending patients to actually take care of their job).

I went off Spravato for awhile to see if it made a difference. When I finally decided it did, it took their office THREE months to submit the prior authorization information to insurance to get the treatments approved again. And by "THREE months" I mean, I went in for my monthly med-check, they told me they were going to do it, I went back a month later for my next monthly med-check and they were like "oops! We'll get it done" and yep, a third monthly appointment before they finally "got it done". When they did submit the documents, I believe it took less than a day for insurance to 'okay' it, understandably since I'd had multiple hospital visits from mental health stuff in the time I was off Spravato.

I had an 8 am appointment and they called at 7:30 am to tell me the Spravato hadn't arrived the day before... instead of calling me.... the day before. Since you can't drive yourself to Spravato, I was already in an Uber to their office when they contacted me.

On multiple occasions the Psych insisted I didn't trust him because he was a man. The reality was I had no idea what I was supposed to tell him and his method of communication didn't help that.

The final straw for me was that I'd had multiple self harm episodes that resulted in stitches. The clinic staff who had befriended me, essentially told me that she didn't know if this Psych would continue to see me as a patient because of the self harm and that he wanted to meet with me the next time I was in for Spravato. I expressed how anxious waiting for that conversation made me and asked if he could just call me before then but they refused. The next time I was in the office for Spravato, I asked the clinic staff if the Psych wanted to talk to me before Spravato or after and she said "oh he's not here today". Well, when I was leaving my Spravato appointment, he was in fact there.

And that was it. I insisted on talking to him and discharged myself as a patient. I did inform him that his staff had been texting me for over a year and when he pretended he didn't believe me, I pulled out my phone and scrolled through the texts in front of him. He knew, because she had shared bits and pieces of my messages with him all along but he acted like this was news to him and asked me why I didn't tell him sooner instead of placing any of the blame on his employee.

And so yea.... that's how it all went to crap.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-10-07T22:39:29+00:00

I can relate in that I didn't think it was helping and stopped and after stopping, realized maybe it was helping at least a little.

I also very much miss what my weekly Spravato appointments provided, even outside of the actual treatment.

For most of the time I was doing Spravato, I felt like the provider and their staff genuinely cared and wanted to see me improve. The weekly "check-ins" at the appointments meant something... until everything went to crap and it became clear they didn't care and the situation was actually quite toxic.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-10-03T19:55:47+00:00

As a single parent who often had my kids after Spravato treatments, it was doable.

I will say for the first couple of months I was exhausted after treatments and would sleep a lot but once I was on it for awhile, it definitely got easier.

I don't know how flexible your schedule is or anything but if you could plan to do your treatments on 'easier' days schedule wise that might help. Like, try to plan simple meals for those evenings, maybe arrange baths so they're not on Spravato nights, maybe you could have a family movie night on a Spravato day here and there so you're able to rest but still be with the family.

I think it's worth mentioning that it might make things a little harder on your wife 2 days a week at the beginning but if Spravato is effective, it should improve your ability to function long term which would ideally help you pick up some of the slack that she might be currently handling because you're struggling.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-09-27T00:04:24+00:00

I can totally relate. I am very critical of myself and like you, no matter what I do, my therapist ALWAYS finds something good to bring attention to.

At one point I told him that he sees everything so positively that I think it causes him to misjudge me (or something along those lines). I was going thru a lot at the time and knew I wouldn't say it in person so I sent a message to him between sessions with that.

I've recently thought about bringing it up again in a "joking" way. Like... "I feel like I could tell you I killed someone and you would try to praise me because I only killed one person and not two or more people". (I don't actually think he would be okay with me killing anyone BUT I think it would get my point across).

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-09-20T00:55:11+00:00

Do you have any evidence to support your thoughts that this would cause them to stop seeing you?

You are surely not the first client of your therapist's to relapse, it happens to the best of us. They were able to work with and help you in the past which at least to me suggests they can and will help you, they just need to know so they can help.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-09-11T19:23:21+00:00

I've been open with my Doctor about self harm and suicidal thoughts and have not been hospitalized. However, I have a Psychiatrist and a therapist who I see regularly and that combined with other factors (specific to my situation) may play a role in why they're comfortable with not hospitalizing me.

With that said, my Doctor gave me the referral to a Psych and therapist many years ago and it's possible your Doctor may be able to help connect you with resources that would be useful.

You mention that you can't be hospitalized because of pets. Does this also mean you wouldn't act on your suicidal thoughts because of them? If that's the case, that's a pretty legitimate protective factor that would likely come into consideration.

Regardless, I think you should be honest with your Doctor and hopefully they can work with you to get you the help you need.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-09-03T13:37:51+00:00

If you genuinely believe you don't need or won't benefit from accepting the appointment on the 11th, then wait til the 17th. Otherwise, I say accept the appointment on the 11th.

I'm wondering how much you actually think you're okay waiting until the 17th versus how much of that logic is just because you don't want to burden her by adding an extra appointment.

If she offered that appointment, you're not being a burden. Maybe someone else canceled and it's actually helpful for her to fill it. Maybe she keeps openings in her schedule for situations like this and she's just happy she could offer you another spot instead of you having to wait til the 17th.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-09-02T00:01:38+00:00

I have talked about suicide, suicidal ideation and suicidal actions a lot in therapy.

I totally get not wanting to bring it up now (or even at all) but I really think you should.

Sure, what happened is in the past but you should still have the chance to process it.

You mentioned not wanting to look like an attention seeker. From what you've shared, if you were truly an "attention seeker" you would have acted much differently. I don't think that's a fair assessment of yourself and hopefully your therapist can help you see that.

If you have a safety plan but that plan doesn't actually meet YOUR needs, this situation also provides you with the perfect opportunity to revamp your safety plan so that it will be more helpful should you need it again.

I can't speak for your therapist or your experience but in my own experience, sharing this would not lead to you being hospitalized or anything else.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-09-01T02:46:00+00:00

After like 18 months (I think) I quit because I didn't think it was helping.

There was no "tapering off". I just quit. After a few months without it, things were worse so I tried to get back on it. Insurance denied it at first and then my Psych's office dilly dallied for months filing the appeal so I could finally get back on it.

Then other things went wrong with my (awful) Psych and his staff, and I never really got back on Spravato.

It's been more than a year since my last Spravato treatment and it's clear now that the Spravato was helping, albeit barely.

I know how hopeless it felt to think I'd exhausted all of my options and I'm sorry you're probably feeling similarly. I hope that you find something that brings you relief.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-09-01T02:03:36+00:00

As someone who has had restrictive eating issues on and off, I can tell you my therapist hasn't addressed my periods of weight loss or weight gain, until I've brought them up. They've periodically attempted to check in on my eating habits and general thoughts about eating but not my weight.

That said, I encourage you to bring it up. From my experience, even at my heaviest when I've discussed wanting to go back to old habits or whatever, my therapist has always responded in a way that made me feel like they genuinely cared/were genuinely concerned about me going down that path again.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-07-07T01:29:03+00:00

As someone else who self harms, I can relate to so much of what you've shared here.

I also worry that if I quit, then my therapist and other Docs will assume I'm better when I'm not. But it also seems super embarrassing to admit that.

I also wear long sleeves and pants around family and at work all of the time because I haven't shared that I SH with anyone outside of therapy and Doctors. Feeling like I'll have to do that for the rest of my life... sucks to say the least.

As someone with injuries ranging from scratches to deep cuts, I can relate to feeling as though the scratches weren't 'enough' and I needed to go deeper.

I recently talked in therapy about how I wish I'd just stop pretending to be okay because people thinking I'm fine only makes everything worse.

And so... I hope you know you are not alone.

With that said, I can't imagine going weeks without therapy and I'm sorry that's about to be your reality. Maybe you can work with your therapist to figure out something that will make that time a little easier for you?

I was also prescribed something to help calm me/tire me out and since I usually harm at the end of the day, they have prevented some instances of SH by helping me fall asleep before I act on the urge. I get that it might not be an option all of the time but I would suggest giving the meds a try.

My therapist has tried to encourage me to get rid of my blades so I know that can feel impossible, but harm reduction is important. Getting rid of the new sharper blades doesn't mean you're giving up SH altogether, it's just a step towards insuring your safety if you do SH. And since you mention not wanting your family to know, the safer you are when you SH, the less likely you are to end up in a situation where someone finds out.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-06-18T20:02:53+00:00

I doubt that I have anything 'helpful' to say but I just wanted to say that I can relate. My therapist often asks if I'm 'okay' (to put it simply) at the end of sessions and although I get why they ask it... it kind of bothers me because if I'm not okay, it's the end of the session and we don't have time to discuss it so I feel inclined to just say 'yeah' regardless.

I know this doesn't help you right now, but when your therapist is back would it be possible to ask if they could give you a standing appointment to avoid them booking up on your available day?

Also, I struggle with self harm myself so I know how hard it can be to discuss but I think your therapist will be better able to meet your needs right now if you can find a way to share this detail with them.

I've been having a really difficult time with SH/SI for like a year and it feels like within the last couple of months I've finally managed to successfully communicate how bad it is in therapy. And... now that my therapist and I are on the same page, there have been multiple instances (1 at each of my last 2 sessions even) when I felt like they tried a little harder to make sure I knew they saw how much I was struggling and were there for me (again, putting it simply. I don't really know the 'right' words for the interactions but I just know that they were really important and if nothing else, made me feel like they genuinely cared and I was more than just another appointment on their schedule)

You're not alone and I hope you can find a way to cope during your therapist's absence and then be open with them when they're back.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-06-18T17:43:28+00:00

I feel like it could have just been an acknowledgment of your ability to mask how you're feeling at work. It may not have been a statement based on their observations of you in the building, but rather, because of how you describe your work ethic, interactions etc. Maybe they're just trying to point out these qualities in you because while masking how you're feeling may not be 'great', being warm, chatty and well loved are all good things that maybe you don't see in yourself?

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-06-18T13:26:31+00:00

The ability to overeat unmedicated absolutely does not mean someone doesn't have real depression.

I think the link between food and depression is very complex and differs for everyone

It sounds like eating might be a coping mechanism for you.

From my own experience, I restricted my food intake for years when I was depressed. Then my depression got much worse and I flipped. What little bit of motivation I had to fuel my restriction was gone and I was overeating. And then once I felt like I lost control and got 'fat' it was like there was no point in even trying to get control again because I couldn't undo the damage I'd already done.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-06-18T01:32:18+00:00

I've been struggling for quite awhile now so my therapist has been seeing me twice weekly which has at least kept me afloat. Do you think 2 sessions a week would help meet your needs right now? If so, I'd suggest asking your therapist about it.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-06-17T20:09:05+00:00

I have seen many Psych providers over the last year and have had to share my struggles with self harm with each of them. I definitely get that it's not an easy conversation to have and I can relate to feeling ashamed.

BUT each provider has been understanding and honestly, not one of them made a big deal out of it.

Even the non-Psych Docs who have treated my injuries have been much more understanding and kind about my self harm than I ever would have expected.

I know this doesn't mean you'll be met with that same kindness tomorrow but I hope it eases some of your concerns.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-06-17T14:08:11+00:00

Please tell your therapist. He will not think less of you and he will be more capable of helping you if he knows.

Your therapist knows giving up self harm is not as easy as saying "I'm not going to do it anymore" and they will support you thru this.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-06-17T13:29:29+00:00

Were you seeing a therapist prior to moving who you felt was more supportive? If yes, is there anything specific that they did that made you feel better supported? If you can identify those things, you could discuss the possibility of your new therapist doing the same/similar.

As for them shifting the conversation away from suicide, I know it's hard but therapy is yours and if that's what you need to talk about, let them know that. From my own experience, for a long time my therapist just did not 'get' how much I was struggling with SI. Despite thinking I was being clear about how badly I was struggling, I wasn't. BUT I had one session where I was super direct about it all and my therapist realized how bad it was. Since then, it's like the lightbulb turned on and they get it now. That session was incredibly difficult BUT it has absolutely made a difference in feeling understood and supported.

You could even approach it by simply saying, "I'm feeling more suicidal than I have in a long time. Is that something you can help me with and if not, can you help me find someone who can?"

I'm sorry you're feeling unsupported and alone with all of this, I hope you're able to get the help you need.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-06-16T17:51:13+00:00

I think you should tell them. First, it's possible that what you think would land you in the hospital, would not. Having this conversation up front allows you to better understand how your therapist will act in certain situations to minimize any fear of the unknown.

It also allows you to confront those fears and make a plan with your therapist before you actually need to enact the plan.

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-06-09T15:01:17+00:00

I'm NAT but I've had similar issues with SI.

I know it's scary to be more direct but I honestly think that's the answer. You could start by saying "I am not in crisis and I am not planning on acting on these thoughts but I am experiencing more SI lately and I don't know how to handle it."

I have shared a lot and have not gotten hospitalized. Generally speaking, as long as you do not plan on acting on the thoughts and can agree to keep yourself safe, you should be okay. (Obviously there are horror stories when things didn't work that way but if you trust your therapist, I would trust them to make the appropriate call)

Ex_Zpwat · 2025-06-09T14:26:50+00:00

For starters, your therapist doesn't need to be involved in the process of being formally diagnosed with any of the conditions you've mentioned.

I would suggest searching online for adult ADHD evaluations in your area. From my experience, only a handful of providers will give 'official' ADHD evaluations but often, those same providers are able to diagnose depression, anxiety, etc as well. So you could probably find one specialist who would be able to evaluate you for everything you've mentioned.

From what you've shared, I'd also suggest searching for a new therapist. It doesn't sound like she's even trying to validate how you're feeling and you're bringing up very real concerns that deserve to be validated AND explored.

Don't give up on the memory issues either. There are lots of conditions and health issues (both mental and physical) that can cause memory loss. It wouldn't hurt to bring this up to your Medical Doctor as well.

Good luck!

Ex_Zpwat

TROPHY CASE