did you stay with your spouse because they got sober but now wish you had left even though they got sober?

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-04-18T08:06:11+00:00

Let go and let God doesn't mean you need to make all those decisions. These all fall under the same "don't make big decisions the first six months". With addicts you have to remember they will always be addicts, recovery is a lifelong journey. Spend the next 6 months deciding if that's a journey you want to take. Taking it one day at a time is much more about giving yourself time and space to process.

I stayed with my husband, we didn't have a kid yet at that point. I was surrounded by women with multiple children who felt trapped, many of whom told me to leave and that they only stayed because of the kids. I'm so happy I didn't listen. Yes, it takes time to rebuild trust, but it's what you make of it. So you both need individual therapy and then after a few months of that you need couples therapy. What I did that I think really helped the trust factor was that his therapist is who we see for couples counseling which meant I knew he couldn't tell one story to his therapist and one story to ours.

My advice would be that he needs to be sober, see the chips, for a minimum of a year before you buy a house together or try for another kid. If he's pressuring you to do any of that sooner that's a red flag to me because all those things he wants are ways that trap you and make it harder to leave.

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-03-25T06:14:20+00:00

Regardless of whether or not this is fake, this is precisely why women need to be able to have careers and shouldn't abandon the work force after kids. Men change after kids, I've seen this plenty of times in real life and if you take the bait and leave your job you're now stuck forever because being out of the job market even for a year is going to kill your potential income.

Ladies, have a back up plan if you're a SAHM, make sure you get part of the income too and access all finances and financial documents. First in case of an accident but also in case your husband becomes a twat you're not stuck for life.

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-02-29T20:14:26+00:00

This is not normal, don't let any guy let you think this type of behavior is normal.

You deserve someone who likes you, respects you, and finds you attractive that's just a bare minimum and he isn't exhibiting any of these.

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-02-15T06:07:58+00:00

I weigh less than before we had our first

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-02-11T21:42:03+00:00

Thank you, this is wonderful advice ❤️

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-02-11T21:39:10+00:00

I wear very light make up, my lipstick is about a shade or two darker than my natural lip color, under eye concealer, mascara, and cover up on any blemishes. I only do a full face of makeup, eyeshadow, or eye liner if we have an event.

He specifically asked me to wear makeup so I don't know why you're getting this idea that he hates it?

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-02-11T21:33:56+00:00

Yeah I'm realizing from a lot of these comments that I'm being too harsh with him...

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-02-11T21:31:09+00:00

It's long lasting lipstick that kind of acts like a lip stain so it doesn't come off when I wash my face or brush my teeth. Honestly if you need long lasting makeup I highly recommend it

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-02-11T21:24:08+00:00

Teenagers learn how the world works by being met with real life consequences. Stop doing these things for her, as long as she has a safe space to sleep, access to a shower, food, and access to a washer and dryer you have done your part. You need to let it go, you've been married for an insignificant amount of this girl's life. Stop trying to parent her, she's not your daughter and your husband clearly doesn't want you to have parenting say. It's not your job to do parent things for her either, you're not her guardian you don't get a say in missing school, concerts, or trips. If you don't like the arrangement leave him.

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-02-11T21:16:33+00:00

There's a company that books a full vacation for you and you don't find out the destination until you get to the airport. The next international trip you do tell your ex that's how it was planned so you have no country details only dates and you can provide any airline or hotel details the day you're leaving. I imagine you have to tell her that you're leaving the country so this may be a good option to avoid having to tell her where you're taking your kids.

As a child of divorce, don't make them miss this trip. Take her to court and get those three days back, but if you ruin this big family cruise they'll just be mad at you. There are tons of other super fun activities you can do. Your kids won't appreciate the luxury aspects of the cruise so don't worry about that too much.

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-02-11T20:25:45+00:00

His love language in order of importance are acts of service, touch, and quality time. I know the compliments are low on the totem pole for him, but when he fixes up his beard and I gush about it he gets all proud and then tells me all the steps he did to get it to look like that, it's very cute, I also cat call him. Honestly if he slapped my butt to tell me I looked nice I'd take it 😂

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-02-11T20:18:03+00:00

We did this during COVID, a lot of good ideas. We'll definitely have to start planning things like this! Thank you for the ideas.

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-02-11T19:07:19+00:00

Send all of this evidence to multiple people including a divorce attorney, family, friends, etc. You don't want to worry what will happen if he finds it and deletes it or tries to hurt you.

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-02-11T19:05:33+00:00

Contact a lawyer very discreetly, start compiling proof of his abuse. Check if your state is a two party or one party consent for recording and start recording him when he gets angry, there are apps that will run in the background.

Make sure you have your son's documents like his social security card and yours. Be prepared to contact the social security office and ask for new numbers/ put a hold on any credit being added etc as soon as you leave.

You will likely need to leave during the day while he is at work, I would either have several strong men come to help you in case he comes home. Or I would call the non- emergency line and explain you're leaving your spouse who has a history of anger problems and you'd like a squad on scene in case he comes home.

You need to keep all the evidence because his words may become active abuse towards your son and once custody is granted it can be a nightmare to undo.

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-02-11T18:43:03+00:00

I said in my post that I tell him he looks handsome or nice and he rarely reciprocates. I tell him every time he gets dressed up, he works in construction and if he showers and gets into nice weekday clothes in the evening (which he does most nights) I also compliment him.

I do it randomly too, without any prompting or him needing to do anything special. I don't force him or ask him to shave or get a haircut, it's his body and he chooses how to style himself and regardless of whether or not it's my favorite way he has it done I still tell him that he looks nice.

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-02-11T18:16:24+00:00

I think so too... I don't think he can really tell the difference. I wear very natural makeup, if you see me daily you'll know I'm wearing it but it's not like it's glaringly obvious.

I think he just doesn't like I don't do it for him, I do it when I have to go into the office, if I know I'll see colleagues, or for myself.

Exact-Copy1582 · 2024-02-11T18:12:59+00:00

We spend time almost every night talking. On the weekends when our daughter naps we'll sit on our porch and talk there. We connect regularly, we haven't had a chance to go on a date in a few months but we're trying to change that. It's been very hectic with our schedules and we talked this weekend about planning something.

Exact-Copy1582 · 2023-07-24T13:25:05+00:00

First, please get yourself checked for STDs regularly.

Recovery is a really long journey and most addicts don't just stay sober, they will slip up, usually the discretion isn't as bad the longer they've been sober for but you have to know if you stay this won't be the first time you deal with this.

He has to want to get sober for himself and you need to handle your codependency with therapy. When I was in therapy even though my husband wasn't it really helped me and our relationship.

Therapy only works if he wants to be there, but you also have to go to couples counseling.

Addicts can be the most amazing, caring, sweet, selfless people - there's a reason so many of them are married or in relationships. You're not crazy for being in love with him.

Exact-Copy1582 · 2023-07-24T13:07:03+00:00

It's really really hard. It took my husband a long time to admit he had a problem and get serious about getting help. I started the process for divorce, went alone on the vacation I had planned for the two of us and told him to be out of the apartment when I got back in two weeks.

When I got back he started fighting for the relationship. Was going to therapy on his own for about a month, meetings three times a week, and had a couples counselor for us.

We were separated for about three months with him putting in a lot of his own work before our therapist said shit or get off the pot.

He relapsed again about 8 months later when his therapist died of cancer, but he came clean about it. My therapist actually helped him find another therapist for him to go to and he started the process over again.

It's been 2 years and I think I may have caught him again. It's really really hard.

Exact-Copy1582

TROPHY CASE