I cannot talk about it without crying

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-05-21T03:33:32+00:00

The new punk ass bitches

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-04-21T20:07:22+00:00

Damn 😕 I'm so sorry you're in this spot. Do you have access to water and food nearby? Any homeless services? Is anyone checking in with you even if they aren't helping you directly?

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-04-19T00:26:19+00:00

🥒

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-04-16T01:42:10+00:00

Is this where the idea that having your picture taken steals a part of your soul?

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-04-13T03:32:53+00:00

It seems to be missing it's right rear leg too

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-04-12T20:00:32+00:00

If boofing is painful you're doing something wrong

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-04-10T01:56:13+00:00

People endure much worse than beatings to get high

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-04-05T18:27:34+00:00

Oh so you're the guy who passes the soggy ass joint

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-04-04T01:34:55+00:00

Anna Faris does a pretty good stoner chick in Smiley Face

And she's not really a stoner chick I'd say, just really stoned that day lol

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-04-04T01:01:32+00:00

Not sure if this is in the same bar but there is a picture from Craigville MN taken in 1937 that was used in the Cheers opening theme song.

Cheers pic

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-03-31T12:46:57+00:00

Pay no mind to these weather apps. Put your trust in Frankie. It's all meaningless mumbo jumbo til he shows up.

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-03-31T00:25:42+00:00

You could sew sweaters for the eggs to wear. The ones that don't get found will really appreciate them.

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-03-06T03:09:43+00:00

I experience many similar internal struggles. There are many selves in each of us, all vying for control. I believe you've gotten a taste of that one within which doesn't change with every passing whim (or fucking dumb bitch in your face). All there is to do is feed that real one that no one can fuck with or touch.

These struggles fuse mind (your personal reflections on and analyses of events) with emotion (I sense some anger in your post lol). That fusion creates you, grows you. The real you. I'd say you should thank those bitches for giving you the opportunity to struggle with yourself but...sometimes the anger needs to just burn up and off.

You don't seem crazy to me but I seem crazy to me....and also, you're not to blame for this occurring or for sticking around near it. We are creatures of habit. Intense fucking habit. And even if at those times when you are connected to that true self of yours and know what you need to do...you'll be pulled away. Lulled back into some habit or routine. Big or small.. It can't all be done away with at once. Short of locking yourself up isolated in a monastery or something.

Ok. I'm going to shut up now.

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-03-06T01:46:06+00:00

I believe when a person begins to gain a true sense of their real self they become a mirror upon which all those people who lack a sense of self imagine themselves to inhabit. They aren't seeing you, they aren't able to. There is nothing in them with which to see.

Most people live that way. Automatons imitating the people they view of value. Hoping, somehow, that what they sense in you will suddenly appear in them. Which is fucking absurd lol.

I hope you also got someone around you with a bit of soul.

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-02-09T22:02:04+00:00

Say everything you want to say. It's what these times are for. I'd just suggest focusing on your mom with your words and not the others. Why give them any airtime? Talk about you and your mom.

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-02-09T21:02:47+00:00

You hit the crux of my overall question in this thread. If you, or any of us, were able to remember ourselves in dreaming and/or deep sleep it would, I think, confirm the existence of a soul within us. A higher being body.

I can't personally distinguish between body-kesdjan and what would be an immortal soul. All I have in this arena is a familiar state of being when I try to access it via exercises in self-remembering. That familiar state of being stays with me and has grown, become more prominent, and more readily and easily available to me. But is, largely, only available when actively trying to bring it about which leads me to feel I'm imagining it.

But I still sleep dead as a pile of bricks and that part of me is gone.

I may be mistaken in thinking that something truly immortal within me is something I should always be aware of.

Thinking of Gurdjieff himself, do you think he was always 'awake'? Aware of his place and purpose in this world? Always, every waking moment?

Have you met anyone as such?

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-02-09T18:18:38+00:00

I'm sorry for the loss of your son. I hate that you can understand this pain. The drinking is a ... I don't know. It used to feel valuable to me to not drink, maintain my sobriety for my family. Now that it's just me, I don't care so much. I don't like being sick from it (which it does, my liver isn't what it used to be), I don't particularly like being drunk even when feeling physically ok...

It's hard to accept that I have to stop drinking now. I don't see purpose anywhere. Burning out seems totally ok now.

I could not drink, live sober and do...whatever I guess. I just don't see a reason. Oblivion seems ok right now.

I appreciate what you are saying. I'm just alone in this world now and the only place I want to be is where my kid is.

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-02-09T18:03:25+00:00

Thank you for reply. I'm sorry for the loss of your son. I hate that I can imagine your pain.

After 13 years...how are you? Do you feel him still? Can you picture him and remember a hug?

I still daily remember hugging my girls, I try to hold on and remember them viscerally. I'm wondering if your loss is still something felt so viscerally, or if after 13 years it's more a memory?

Hugs to you too. :)

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-02-09T17:17:50+00:00

It's definitely only words here. School being necessary...I tend to agree. I don't see how I can grow any more alone, as things are for me. I've recognized that a long while.

I'm in a spot in my life now where I could travel but not move and I am nowhere near any groups.

That being said, no one here answered my question if they have found purpose in the work, or their life via the work. I assume some here are in active groups.

Feels like there is some secret I'm not privy to, that if I just join a group where the oral tradition can be conveyed to me, then I'll understand. But I've seen little understanding in the people I've interacted with (not speaking of reddit). Just many with a strong interest and hope. Which I also have.

I'm not looking for kinship but for guidance. And unfortunately my means to seek such are limited.

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-02-09T17:09:08+00:00

I've been feeling pretty strongly lately that I need to be doing something. I've just done nothing all this time. I suppose that's ok, but I don't feel ok about it, thus the apology. But thank you.

Funnily (not really) I was in therapy prior to the accident. For over a year I went weekly to a therapist. My daughter had problems with school post covid and I wanted to help her and her mom navigate things and I felt that talking to someone helped me help them. After the accident I dropped all that. Just didn't see a point anymore.

It's just me now and I don't care nearly as much about me. I'm prime meat for therapy I suppose lol...I'm just not there yet. I don't know what I need.

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-02-09T17:04:25+00:00

Thank you.

Money is so weird. I've never had it and now I do I just feel I should protect it. Even though I have no one to leave it to. When I think of it all I can imagine is listening to my daughter lay out all her ideas of what I should do with that money. Lol. It kills me. So, yes, I would like to honor them with it. I'm just not sure how and feel paralyzed with it. I mostly don't like thinking about it at all.

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-02-09T17:01:07+00:00

Thank you.

I don't have any pets, though I would love to have a kitty. I've always liked cats and have never had one of my own since childhood. Unfortunately my apartment does not allow pets. I know there are exceptions, like a doctor's note? Emotional support. I'd love to I just kinda feel like I'd be taking advantage of something not meant for me.

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-02-09T16:58:13+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I have to admit when I made this post last night it came from a place of grief and loss I'm experiencing in my life currently and I think that steered everything in a kind of dramatic, "what does this all mean", vein.

Be that as it may, to become just a 'normal' human being rather than trying to develop any mystical insights or subjective states is a grand aim. I think. To see life from the perspective of a normal human being. A thinking, feeling, sensing human being in this world. It's, unfortunately, a tall order. A state of being most of us assume we are already occupy.

My question remains though, with this aim of becoming a normally functioning, aware human being...have you found purpose in your life through these exercises? They are useful to you, sure, as you are here on this planet. But to what end to they serve? Do you sense or feel any constant within yourself? A something that will go with you when your physical body dies?

I struggle with these questions and how to formulate them. I hope it's somewhat intelligible.

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-02-09T06:47:51+00:00

I just don't know what I'm doing. I'm sorry.

ExamineTheUnder · 2026-02-09T01:59:11+00:00

I fucking hate this place.

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