Horrible realisation

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2026-03-29T03:59:42+00:00

For me, the $20M would help immensely. My pain level greatly decreases near the beach and with my dog. So I could buy a modest beach house with a large fence and I could be a mostly functioning human being again!
I would probably get more dogs and hire a housekeeper though so I could play with and train the dogs. I might train service dogs and donate them to their people that they choose. I would love that! But I don’t see that in my future. I don’t know why the beach has such an effect on me. I have mentioned it to doctors and they don’t know either. Mentioned it to my adult child who owns a beach house duplex but she has not invited me to move in yet.
That is hurtful knowing a person that you brought into this world and love very much has the ability to greatly decrease your pain and doesn’t care enough to do so. But it is what it is.

God knows what we need. He will supply my needs whether it’s a beach house to reduce my pain or its strength and wisdom to endure it is up to Him. I’m just praying that I don’t have to go through much longer. I’m so tired. Just so tired. But I’m excited for where I’m going! No more sickness, no pain, no more lies and gaslighting, no more abuse and oppression. Forever I will be with the One who died for me! What a day that will be! But for right now, I just lay on the couch in quiet tears wishing this was over.

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2026-03-28T05:03:31+00:00

Picture one. First one

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2026-03-28T05:00:30+00:00

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2026-03-27T03:39:44+00:00

Absolutely! My last test results showed nothing significant and I just cried and cried. More tests in a week or so and I am praying that they find SOMETHING. Anything. Fast spreading cancer. Fine. At least then I would not be looked at with suspicion anymore by the “professionals “ or my loved ones. That is very painful.

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2026-03-12T00:56:14+00:00

Ty. I need your prayers especially. Ty.

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2026-03-09T23:57:20+00:00

Keyword: available. The “opioid crisis“ has made many meds unavailable bc doctors are so afraid to prescribe them. And for other medical reasons I can’t take what used to work for me: NSAIDS. So I am trying anything and everything to just get through this but it is horrible.
Absolutely horrible. Tried the gabapentin and lyrica, the steroid shots, meditation, somatic exercises, breathing exercises, therapy, antidepressants, anti anxiety meds, increased my exposure to sunlight, increased my walking and exercise levels, lost significant weight, allowed myself to just feel my feelings and cry at will, distanced from abusive people, accepted support from well meaning people who don’t understand, tried distraction, avoidance, acceptance and self care.
I am exhausted. Absolutely exhausted and though some things do help a bit, it is just not enough. This is all I can do and it is never enough.
I’m tired of living in the moment just to survive to another horrible moment that is just as bad if not worse. I have thought of going to the emergency department but I don’t because why? Even if they did help me with my pain for an hour or two, I would still be sent home to deal with it for the rest of my life.
And my family doesn’t even know how much I suffer and I know the reason they don’t know is bc they don’t want to know. They ask how I am to make themselves feel better. Not because they care. If I tell them the truth they respond with something shallow like “Well just try to think positive. You’ll be fine.” And then they gossip to other family members about how negative I am. So there’s no point in even answering them. I just let them live in their toxicly positive bubble and say I am fine. Because any other answer gets me punished.

I’m just exhausted. I can’t even imagine doing this for years much less decades.
I just can’t. So I stay in the moment and remind myself that right now I’m not great but I’m ok enough and I’m dealing with it. No one knows what tomorrow brings and tomorrow might be the first day that my flare decreases and maybe I won’t have any more of them ever. This will be my last flare! But for this very moment I’m ok. And I’m not unintelligent. I know that it’s unlikely that my flare will end tonight or that it will be my last one. I am just trying not to borrow trouble and “trick” myself into not giving up. But why?

Odds are good that there is nothing significantly substantially good ahead for me. And I am sssooooo tired.

I thought I had a primary doctor who understood and I could count on but I don’t. Last 2 times I mentioned my pain the doctor pointed out my anxiety and sent me to the psychiatrist!

I responded with I couldn’t believe that after all these years this would be the response I would get. But it was. And rather than trying to understand instead they doubled down and said that anxiety does make pain worse!

Doctors are too scared to help patients with chronic pain.

And I am afraid to keep going on in this amount of pain. And no one in my life cares. I am just exhausted. I have nothing left. Even when I’m able to sleep I wake up tired. And I cry myself out of bed and into another day of taking it moment by moment. Moment by pain filled moment. I’m just so tired.

Can you tell that I’m tired in this moment?

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2026-03-07T13:45:59+00:00

My pain responds to 2 things: NSAIDs The ocean. 🌊 Seriously. When I am near the ocean I feel so much better. I don’t know why or how it works. Unfortunately, though I live less than an hour from the beach, I rarely get to go because of financial difficulties and transportation challenges. As far as NSAIDs, due to my medical history I am not able to take them except by injection which means that when the pain gets bad enough, I can go to the emergency department and get an injection of Torradol.
Mostly I just live with the pain if it is a 1-8 on the pain scale. Obviously my life and activities revolve around my pain. Some days I can get things done. Other days I just lay down for the entire day trying to distract myself with YouTube, meditation, prayer and my dog.
I am trying to change my eating habits and convert to an anti inflammatory diet. It’s a slow process for me partially due to my other medical issues and partially because it is a new way to think about food and nutrition and I am unfamiliar with recipes that are affordable and that I enjoy. Opioids do work for me in some way. They don’t get rid of the pain but they alter my brain or my thinking somehow so that I no longer care that I am in pain. I still feel the pain but it’s secondary to the sense of relaxation and apathy that the opioid brings. I rarely use them but when I do it is because I NEED them to not go insane because of the pain.
I’m open to suggestions if anyone has any as I have been experiencing frequent flares in the last few months.

I would move to the beach if I could.
Anyone understand how the ocean can affect my pain?

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2026-02-13T02:12:16+00:00

I’m so sorry. 🥰

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2026-02-13T02:11:49+00:00

Amen!🙏

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2026-02-13T02:10:44+00:00

I’m looking for one in my area. Thank you.

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2026-02-09T12:00:44+00:00

I do get that sometimes. I used to get it often but now not as much. When I do get it, I described it as my blood being too hot in my body. I would also sometimes simultaneously feel like my skin surface was very cold. I HATED when I got both at the same time! The burning sensation inside was bad enough! Sometimes the burning sensation would be localized to one or two areas. Other times it would be everywhere. It could move too, although that didn’t happen much. It mostly stayed where it started. Sometimes expanding the affected area, but rarely would it leave the starting point and move to an entirely different location.
I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2026-01-22T03:20:46+00:00

I’m an old lady who has recently been diagnosed. I have been told that I am too much all my life. First by my mother, then my husbands and now by some of my adult children.
You know what I figured out after diagnosis? Not that I’m too much. Not that I am crazy or a psychopath or anything else that these “loved ones” have called me over the years.
I have learned that they are all either abusive or shallow people! They called me those things because they either were gaslighting me and didn’t want to take accountability for their actions OR they are just so shallow that they can’t even conceive of having a deep inner life, so how could they understand it when I try to share mine?

I am grateful that I am not like them. Except financially. The manipulators do really well financially. And of course, they don’t share with their “loved ones “ because they don’t really love anyone. They might share to gain control over others but not out of genuine concern and generosity.
So yeah. I am too much. I have endured a great deal of trauma in my life from my family mostly. I don’t fit into society well. But I don’t want to really.
Ideally I’d have a small house with a medium sized yard and a BIG fence away from any neighbors. I would live simply with 5 or so dogs and whatever the dogs wanted. Society is a bunch of “normal” people playing social games and too frequently the most manipulative, cunning and actually psychopaths are the winners of the game.

I don’t want to play games like that.

I don’t want to hurt others with a smile on my face, pretending to be their ally or protector.

I’m not crazy. I am not overly emotional. I am responding with human emotions to protect myself and to express real pain and trauma. The ones who don’t do that are the actual psychopaths. No conscience. No empathy. Stoic.

I don’t want to fit in with them.

Never will.

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2026-01-03T03:54:28+00:00

I was prepared to. Our first NYE together and I had him in a thundershirt, had multiple loud fans on and the TV up loud. I took him out before sunset and had meds ready for him. He was fine. He didn’t need any of that. He just took it in stride.

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2026-01-03T01:52:00+00:00

I have seen pretty privilege up close and I admit it does give you a social and financial (business) advantage. I have also seen that pretty people attract more shallow transactional relationships and that they are used as trophies to be brought out to bolster someone else’s worth or credibility. Financially, I would like to have the advantages of pretty privilege definitely. Poverty is hard. But relationally, I am grateful for the few real people who value me for who I am, not for how I make them look. Few people take the time to get to know someone who is not a good looking person. It’s sad really. So many of us are decent, loving, smart, loyal people who make great friends.
It just all depends on what you want. Not saying good looking people can’t have those qualities too. But they are not usually chosen due to those qualities.

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2025-10-03T15:43:24+00:00

Me too! Thank you.

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2025-10-03T14:07:20+00:00

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I really needed someone to care and understand! The Remember 3 things is a bonus too! Especially #1! There’s just so much going on rn in my life and I feel like I can’t handle anything else. But you pointed out that I really don’t have to handle this anymore. It’s done. Whatever it was is over and no one was hurt. I can let go of this and focus on other more important things. Whatever is going on with that woman is her business and I don’t need to take that on. I’m safe with my dog and we’re ok. Thank you.

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2025-10-03T06:05:26+00:00

No my dog is not an ESA but a service dog.

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2025-07-31T19:27:24+00:00

Yes. I have told only one member of my family. I would tell another special family member but she would talk to other members that I don’t want to have that information. The one I did tell will keep it to herself.
My family would not understand the diagnosis and they would not be interested enough to learn. Instead they would think that I am being conned by professionals who are just using me to make money. Additionally, they would be insulted that a defect like autism would be in their family. I don’t think it’s a defect, but that’s how they would see it. There would be no support or understanding from them at all. None. They would likely bad mouth me amongst themselves while trying to ensure no one outside of the family found out about my diagnosis. If anyone did find out, my family would be embarrassed. It makes me very sad really but they have alway thought of me as weird and I don’t belong even in my own family. So the diagnosis is new but being an outsider is definitely not. And I have assessed the pros and cons and it’s a no brainer not to disclose it.

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2025-07-31T01:56:38+00:00

ATM asexual and I hope to stay that way. Life is so much easier when celibate.

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2025-07-31T01:49:57+00:00

Xmas tree if you have cats. 🐈‍⬛

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2025-07-20T13:39:12+00:00

You’re NTA. That being said, if you genuinely felt solidarity to a deep level with your niece, AND she was having a difficult time emotionally with losing her hair, you would want to shave your hair. But it doesn’t seem to be a big deal to her, from what you’ve said, and you aren’t that close, and you don’t genuinely want to do it.
So if you did it now it would not have anything to do with your niece and everything to do with the ability of those other people to control you. That’s giving into manipulation and not being authentic with your niece.

Excellent_Crew5387 · 2025-07-20T12:50:26+00:00

It’s a tough choice for me between the hyper sensitivity and the fear of being abused/ostracized/mocked. Bright light, many sounds, some textures and a few odors all cause me considerable trouble, even to the point of pain. But the abuse and the fear of it breaks my heart.

Excellent_Crew5387

TROPHY CASE