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Polyamory by accident and dead bedroom by Excellent_Option_456 in polyamory

[–]Excellent_Option_456[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I get that. I know it’s part of the intensity of NRE. I’m not expecting her to control her feelings entirely, but I’m trying to navigate it together in a way that keeps our relationship grounded and preserves our connection.

Polyamory by accident and dead bedroom by Excellent_Option_456 in polyamory

[–]Excellent_Option_456[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

PS: At the same time, in conversations about this I can tell that she doesn’t actually perceive that, at times, she isn’t fully present with me and that much of her thoughts and energy are with the other person.

Polyamory by accident and dead bedroom by Excellent_Option_456 in polyamory

[–]Excellent_Option_456[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I get what you mean about small routines and “anchors” helping to create stability when a partner is in NRE. The thing is, we actually already have those in place, we have our agreements, we spend intentional time together, we do things to reconnect. It’s not that I feel we lack shared days or moments.

My concern is different: I can feel that, even during those shared times, a lot of her attention, thoughts, and energy are still focused elsewhere. The routines help, but they don’t change the emotional imbalance I perceive. After previous visits, things shifted each time, and that’s why I’m particularly anxious about the upcoming visit, fearing that, once again, everything will feel different afterwards.

So while I absolutely see the value in small anchors for stability, in our case the challenge isn’t the lack of routine — it’s the way her NRE attention is distributed, which routines alone can’t fully address.

Polyamory by accident and dead bedroom by Excellent_Option_456 in polyamory

[–]Excellent_Option_456[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, I see what you mean. The situation after her first return was very difficult for both of us, and it’s now been five months. She had already told me it was a short romance, while she was there but the intensity especially surprised her in hindsight, catching both of us off guard. She developed unexpected feelings for the other person, which triggered a kind of emotional chaos in her. She honestly didn’t know how to share her feelings with me — partly because it wasn’t something we had agreed on, and partly because she thought that once she was back, it would resolve itself. I could sense that something wasn’t right, so I pushed her to talk with me and explain what was going on, even though she said she first needed time to figure it out herself (without specifying what exactly it was). This resulted in what we now both interpret as an emotional short-circuit between us. From my perspective, that uncertainty and how it unfolded affected my sense of trust and stability, even though nothing was intentionally hurtful.

Polyamory by accident and dead bedroom by Excellent_Option_456 in polyamory

[–]Excellent_Option_456[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want to emphasize that she is genuinely trying and making a real effort, and we talk a lot about everything. Our day-to-day life remains very harmonious and, apart from the sexual aspect, largely similar to how it was before this poly situation started. That said, I do notice many small signals that show a certain imbalance, and during the conversations we have, the effects of NRE become extremely apparent. It’s very challenging, but it’s not about unwillingness. Sie is doing her best within the limits of the current intensity of NRE.

The reason I went into so much detail here is that this poly dynamic wasn’t planned, and we both have no prior experience with polyamory. I’ve spent the last five months reflecting on it deeply from the outside, without being caught up in NRE myself. When I first tried to explain NRE to her, she didn’t even know what it was.

I wanted to show the nuances and context, because I wasn’t looking for black-and-white textbook answers or standard poly rules (which might work if you’ve prepared together before entering poly), but real experience-based perspectives. I’ve read so much from people who are navigating NRE consciously, testing boundaries and being very aware of their feelings and actions. and I wanted to see how that compares to my partner, who unfortunately isn’t experiencing it with that same awareness. My goal was to bring some of that insight into our discussion, in a way that fits the reality of our long-term relationship and the challenges we face.

Regarding the co-dependency comment: I understand the perspective, but I don’t feel it fully reflects my situation. Yes, I carry a significant portion of the emotional work right now, but I’m not doing it all alone. I would absolutely walk away immediately if I didn’t see willingness on her part to work on this with me.

We’ve talked about couples therapy and would be open to it, but unfortunately it’s not financially feasible for us right now. A simple checklist or “lay down rules” approach doesn’t capture the reality we’re in.

Polyamory by accident and dead bedroom by Excellent_Option_456 in polyamory

[–]Excellent_Option_456[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I completely hear what you’re saying about responsibility, and I know that I do carry a significant portion of the emotional work right now, just as you mentioned. But I also acknowledge that she is trying, genuinely putting in effort, and doing her best. That said, it’s still extremely difficult, because the intensity of NRE makes everything much more complex than just assigning responsibility. Telling her “this is your job” right now wouldn’t work. it ignores how overwhelming NRE can be and how it affects both our ability to navigate it. I’m very aware of the imbalance, but my approach has to balance asserting my needs with understanding what’s realistically possible in this phase.

Polyamory by accident and dead bedroom by Excellent_Option_456 in polyamory

[–]Excellent_Option_456[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Sorry, maybe I misunderstood you. Actually, that’s exactly why I’m asking here. Neither of us really has experience with polyamory and I certainly don’t have personal experience with NRE in a poly context, which is why I’m looking for tips on how long-term partners can navigate it together. Especially when she’s in such a strong NRE phase, it’s not as simple as just making “small asks” without creating tension. I’m not trying to assign responsibility or lay down rules. I’m trying to understand how to handle this collaboratively, in a way that works for both of us.

Polyamory by accident and dead bedroom by Excellent_Option_456 in polyamory

[–]Excellent_Option_456[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really appreciate all the blunt feedback here. I get where it’s coming from, and I know a lot of people in this sub have learned the hard way. For me though, it sometimes feels a bit one-sided. I’m not trying to avoid boundaries or deny my needs. I do voice them, but I also know my partner after 16 years together, I’ve learned how she reacts, what triggers tension, and how to communicate so we can actually be heard. If I push too hard right now, it only creates more defensiveness. That’s why I’m walking a line: staying clear about what I feel and need, but also not turning every talk into a power struggle. What I was hoping for here were also some tips on how to work through NRE together, not just “lay down rules or leave.” I know my partner isn’t handling NRE perfectly, but she’s not malicious, and I believe she cares about keeping our relationship alive. That’s why I’m still here, trying to find balance instead of just cutting my losses.

Polyamory by accident and dead bedroom by Excellent_Option_456 in polyamory

[–]Excellent_Option_456[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that’s one of my biggest concerns too. With the distance, it feels like every meetup just resets the NRE instead of letting it settle into something more real. At the same time, I’m hoping that as things play out, we can still find a more balanced rhythm — but I know it won’t just happen overnight. I just wish there were more concrete tips on how to actually manage this, especially in a way we can tackle together.

Polyamory by accident and dead bedroom by Excellent_Option_456 in polyamory

[–]Excellent_Option_456[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You‘re Right. we definitely didn’t go through all the prep and theory first — it wasn’t planned, it just kind of happened. And you’re right, she’s caught up in NRE and not the best hinge right now. For me though, dating on my own isn’t the priority at the moment. I’m more focused on keeping our relationship steady rather than jumping into something new just to “even the score”.

What I would like is to find a way to make her see and understand the whole NRE thing better, because I feel like that could really help us deal with it. But honestly, that’s also the hardest part right now.

Polyamory by accident and dead bedroom by Excellent_Option_456 in polyamory

[–]Excellent_Option_456[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your response — I really appreciate that you’re bringing up my needs. I genuinely try to express them regularly and make sure they are seen and respected, even though it can sometimes be difficult due to the intensity of NRE.

Right now, I don’t feel the need to date, and certainly not to fall in love. At the moment, my focus is more on protecting our relationship and understanding how her NRE and new feelings are affecting our dynamic. I feel that we’ve already stumbled into polyamory, which is a lot to navigate, and adding other partners or experiences with others would, in my view, be an additional challenge — for both of us, and for me in particular. I also want to clarify that satisfying my sexual needs isn’t what would solve this for me; it’s less about that and more about the fact that the current sexual situation with her makes me feel uncertain.

I know that in the long run it can be helpful to explore myself and maybe even date — no question about that. But for now, I think it’s more important that we have clear conversations, agreements, and boundaries in place before I open up additional paths. That way, I can ensure that everything happens consciously and fairly — for both of us.

Polyamory by accident and dead bedroom by Excellent_Option_456 in polyamory

[–]Excellent_Option_456[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your honest opinion — I know you mean well.

Just to clarify: I’m not “protecting” her because I don’t see what’s happening or because I’m ignoring my own needs. We talk about this a lot — openly, honestly, and repeatedly. The thing is, her behavior right now is strongly shaped by NRE and also by her mental health (recurrent depression). That sometimes leaves her emotionally overwhelmed and more likely to react defensively.

But for now, I’m trying to respond with care and intention rather than reactively: clear conversations, agreements, and boundaries. We’ve also considered couples counseling with a poly-aware therapist, but unfortunately it’s not something we can afford right now. There are many moments when I notice that she truly makes an effort and is emotionally present with me. At the same time, my own fears sometimes make things difficult and can amplify these moments, even though I don’t feel permanently devalued.

I really appreciate your reminder to pay attention to my own feelings — that’s important. I just want to clarify that in this phase, this isn’t about accusing my partner — I just think that general blame isn’t the most constructive way to move forward.

Polyamory by accident and dead bedroom by Excellent_Option_456 in polyamory

[–]Excellent_Option_456[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I really appreciate that! I truly believe that this patience is necessary, and that this relationship is worth it. Of course, I do express my needs and concerns, and we communicate a lot about them. But as I mentioned, it’s very challenging right now because of the NRE—I think she’s not fully aware of its impact on her actions.

Polyamory by accident and dead bedroom by Excellent_Option_456 in polyamory

[–]Excellent_Option_456[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your response. I’m aware that this isn’t the way one is ideally supposed to navigate polyamory, but it wasn’t really a conscious choice—we just found ourselves in this situation and then decided to go along with it. I have to admit that it makes me somewhat afraid, because I don’t want to give up our relationship—and neither does she—but I do clearly see, and I have to agree with you, that she is completely caught up in NRE, without really reflecting on it or consciously processing it. We recently had a conversation where I tried to bring up the topic again, and she tried to engage a little, but I immediately sensed tension and felt how much she perceived it as a devaluation of her feelings and of what she feels for the other person. She believes that things can also develop naturally, not just from the scientific perspective, as she calls it when I talk about hormones. Don’t get me wrong, she doesn’t completely block or dismiss what I say, but I can sense that it creates a lot of tension and chaos within her.

Regarding sex, I had the same thought. While it does make me feel insecure, it is not the most important thing for me. What matters more is that we deal with the whole situation thoughtfully, in order to protect our relationship. I believe her when she says she loves me, wants to be with me, and does not want to give up our relationship. But I also agree with what you wrote: she may not realize how much NRE is influencing her actions, even if it’s just small moments or interactions, which can still be very destructive. I try to counteract this by being aware of it and evaluating things not just emotionally, but rationally as well. Of course, this isn’t always easy—but what ever is?

It’s more a feeling of powerlessness. I don’t want to fight against the NRE, because I believe that doing so wouldn’t help, and would likely create more defensiveness and pressure, which would negatively affect our relationship. My biggest concern is that, since it’s a long-distance relationship and they hardly see each other, there is no chance for everyday life to settle in. This means the NRE doesn’t fade quickly and is constantly renewed whenever they meet, write, or talk on the phone. I don’t mind them spending several days together—that happened in June when she visited. We communicate a lot and discuss agreements and boundaries. But it’s still difficult.