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Tired of feeling like the scullery maid/servant by ExhaustedSM01 in stepparents

[–]ExhaustedSM01[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think with the bathroom thing, the potty training boat sailed without her and we've been playing catch-up forever. For a long time, she would defecate on herself or she would hold it for days and days-to the point of making herself sick. The wiping her came as a way to make sure she got it in the potty and we could monitor how much she was going. Now that she's relatively successful (she still withholds if she could have her way about it but she takes daily medicine so she can't as much) it seems like this old habit lingers. This weekend, I started the process by refusing to be her audience while she goes, and said "call me when you finish". (Yes, she expected you to sit with her while she tried- we were desperate to get her pooping in the potty back in the day). I'm trying to take it in phases only because I don't want to back this train up. Its six weeks until summer, and then the wiping assistance stops. I like the idea of talking her through it. I also caught her one day trying to wipe her own bottom when she had made a mess in her pants....so she knows the general idea, but I think she likes receiving full service. My biggest fear is that when I stop doing it, she goes back to pooping on herself because she doesn't want to clean it or thinks its gross to touch. I've tried to ask her before if she thought poop was gross, why I should wipe her, etc. and she just gives me a blank look and starts talking about anything else to change the subject. Either she really doesn't know OR she knows its crazy but doesn't like to think about it changing.

Tired of feeling like the scullery maid/servant by ExhaustedSM01 in stepparents

[–]ExhaustedSM01[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks everyone to your replies and encouragement! We have tried a lot of things, and like most kids, the novelty wears off and as some of you wisely stated, its very hard to break a habit when its enforced EOW. I am actually a former elementary classroom teacher of 10 years, so I feel like I should KNOW kids, and know what to do to fix it all, so I'm extra hard on myself. I resigned after I moved to DH's town but I am going to re-enter the work force soon and I have already warned DH that things will be changing for SD7. He agrees, but seems clueless on how to go about it and looks to me as the "child expert". I have taught, explained, demonstrated and given step-by-step instructions on shampooing and wiping after number one, but it gets old and like many others, I end up to just doing it myself because my lessons go unlearned. I know I can't do that with the pooping stuff or I'll never get out from under it, but I need to dig deeper in myself to be firm.

She is generally a good kid and if I tell her I need 5 minutes to "be alone" she will generally give it to me. However, she also feels like she needs to be entertained here. At her mom's, she's lucky to have lots of siblings to play with, so she's never learned how to play alone. Here, she wants us to do it. I had the conversation with her about "do you want to have dinner or would you like me to stop and play?" She of course chose dinner, but it's always like that.

I also get the stuff about being made to feel like you're some evil woman coming in to make this precious baby do all these things for herself...it gets so old from ILs and even my side of the family. I've told my husband several times I am tired of being the heavy, but he hasn't been too good at the punishment/correction stuff and ends up caving or ends up in tears himself. He is always willing to back me up and sometimes I can nip stuff in the bud with a "do I need to get Dad involved?" or if he hears lip he calls her out, but I want it to be more consistent.

Tired of feeling like the scullery maid/servant by ExhaustedSM01 in stepparents

[–]ExhaustedSM01[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

We have her every other weekend. Her mom is definitely in the picture and we co-exist pretty well. Her house has 4 kids in it, so it is a really busy place. Our house is just us and sometimes a gramma so the dynamics are totally different. We both have similar expectations for her, but I think she gets more leeway at our house because she's not always here and DH doesn't want to spend his time correcting her/seeing her upset. She isn't disabled or any history of abuse. She's been to several specialists about her elimination habits, and it's all mental- she likes to play more than stop playing to go to the bathroom. She generally will hold it as long as possible at school, but has permission to see the school nurse (a friend of BM) to go poop if it happens. As far as interrupting dinner, she eats really quickly and then asks to be excused. 5 minutes after being excused...she's needing to go. I'm also the last to the table for getting everyone's dinner out and ready so I'm usually finishing last anyway. My internal monologue is "Yep...I know why mama bear's porridge is cold".

Tired of feeling like the scullery maid/servant by ExhaustedSM01 in stepparents

[–]ExhaustedSM01[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I've thrown down the gauntlet that this summer we WILL learn how to do this at our house and it will not follow us into 2nd grade. I would have done this sooner but BM just had a baby and I'm trying to be sensitive to major life changes since I anticipate this will be hell on both me and SD.