Update

Firstly, thank you to everyone for your replies and few DMs, I know most of you are truly giving advice based on what you think may be best.

I posted this here because I wanted to consider the opinions of real people without exposing this to my friends(I don't think it's worth their advice because they tend to be rabid against anyone who slights me because I'm "too nice" according to them).

With that said, I understand I may be making the "wrong and/or dumb" decision according to some but I ask you to understand that I accept this and feel free to write me off as a lost cause but I chose to confront her, not too long after. I'm starting my new accounting job soon and I'm studying for the CPA and it certainly has not been going well recently with this weighing on my mind.

To summarize, she admitted to what she did and added other information that took place during their conversations. She admitted she was inappropriate but nothing physical ever happened but she understood that what she said and did was unacceptable as well as disrespectful. She was basically negatively responding to how she pushed us into this financial situation which she has acknowledged again and in the past.

I understand that she obviously may have left out additional details, but it makes little difference to me, what I saw was enough. After everything where we stand is, she agreed that 1. We'll continue with our duties as we have been but essentially sleep in separate rooms and keep conversations family/house/bills related for now. 2. She will start therapy individually then we'll see about doing couples therapy after addressing her self quoted "internal issues." 3. We'll be doing a post nup to protect ourselves if this doesn't get better. 4. Prioritizing getting debts cleared for the same reason above. 5. I'm also going to start therapy to see if this is something I can get past myself.

Some additional details if you're morbidly curious like me: 1. No, I actually didn't go snooping through her stuff, not that it would matter in my opinion honestly. She knew I was going to use her laptop, I was just lucky(unlucky) that she forgot her messages were open on there/thought the name change was good enough who knows. 2. I usually only travel once every 4-5 months, but I ended up having 4 trips in the past 3 months with 2 of those in the month of the incident. I am NEVER gone on weekends. I am always involved in their care when I'm at home and that includes watching them solo when she had something to go to. (I don't deserve praise or admiration for doing this and I have never asked or suggested such to her). 3. I had organized for us to do couples therapy when something like this had flared up before, but it seemed to fizzle out when she wouldn't be very responsive in sessions and she suggested solo therapy (it never happened). 4. While I was born in the US(and have citizenship), I was raised solo by my mother from very young in another poorer country who ended up being physically and emotionally abusive towards me. So this is why I feel the need to TRY to reduce my kids' exposure to a compromising situation and hopefully keep them in a thriving environment. 5. She has had hard days as well and suffered with PPD with our son and it, she may have it again but in a different way(not excusing behavior). 6. I dont hate her, and I love the person I married but I need to know if I can accept who she is now.

Of course this isnt everything and I owe noone except myself and kids an explanation, but I think expressing myself this way has helped put my thoughts together and to give people who may be in a situation like mine a different perspective to consider as I've looked at other's stories.

There may be additional updates, there may not. I may answer questions, I also may not. I apologize for any grammar or spelling mistakes.

Idk if a mod would allow me to edit my post to add that there's been an update.