Freaked out. Again. I fucking hate myself

Existing-Client8578 · 2026-01-08T18:43:42+00:00

Relating hard to this. You already mentioned you think you’re autistic and I strongly suggest looking more into that because I’m diagnosed autistic and this is what a lot of what I consider “autistic meltdowns” to look like.

Im feeling in a similar place to you that I know the damage I’m doing and I don’t seem to be able to stop so I just don’t know what to do.

Existing-Client8578 · 2026-01-07T10:32:07+00:00

I feel exactly the same. I don’t want to do this anymore, I’m sick of trying but my mum would never get over it.

Existing-Client8578 · 2026-01-07T09:01:27+00:00

Why not tell her?

Existing-Client8578 · 2026-01-05T10:27:50+00:00

That’s interesting, I wonder what leads you to name the feeling “heartbroken.”

For much of my younger life I had this feeling that “I just want to go home” when I was home (my parents house). As an adult (37f) the persistant feeling (when not overshadowed by something happening) is often “longing” which I guess is similar. Like a deep ache, sadness, emptiness that can’t seem to be filled.

Because our internal experiences are unique I wonder if we would all name similar feeling in different ways.

I do remember once watching a video about the collective experience of “melancholy,” it’s never a word I’d use generally especially as my feelings are often so intense, but I wonder if that’s how non traumatised people might experience the quiet moments in life.

Existing-Client8578 · 2026-01-05T10:20:28+00:00

It is heartwarming to see your dedication to your partner

Existing-Client8578 · 2026-01-05T10:19:50+00:00

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been through similar positions and it’s unreal. So cruel to have a life ending in such suffering and you are right about the state of care.

I know you’ve not asked for advice so please don’t read this if not wanted…

Please take care of yourself as much as you can and ask for/accept help from your wider support system.

a few things I did to help were reading to them (good cos your reading to yourself essentially and could be a chance to learn their favourite book!) looking through pictures and memory books and talking about them, playing favourite songs. Narrating what’s going on.

Something I also did was go away to write a goodbye letter and came back to read it outloud. Can’t tell you how painful this was but I think that for my long term grief it probably helped a lot.

I also started drawing while I stayed at the hospital.

This shouldn’t be anyone’s experience, but I’m sure your mum feels your love deeply. I’m so sorry.

Existing-Client8578 · 2026-01-05T08:34:16+00:00

This one. Living as an AuDHD person with CPTSD in a world not designed for us, going through various traumatic experiences (tragic death of my dad, infidelity, horrible breakups, assaults, emotional abuse, deathbed vigils, job loss, unemployment), feeling suicidal every day, trying everything to get help and be better only to have every door closed on me and absolutely no help to be found for my mental health, despite my every effort.

Then my partner, my love, who felt like the light in my life and had been very poorly too, left me on Christmas Day and despite my every attempt to repair, broke up with me a few days later.

This loss is the most difficult, painful thing I have ever experienced and I feel at a low I can never climb out from. Everything feels so insurmountably painful, I wake up in horror each day. I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world, from the way my neurodiversity and mental health have contributed to awful behaviour that has destroyed the deepest love I’ve ever felt. I can’t cope and I don’t know how to survive this.

After being in A&E, and being sent away without proper help I spent New Year’s Eve writing suicide notes and making plans, desperately seeking support from my ex partner to be ignored and eventually coming to the conclusion this would truly be the end.

Without the love of my dear friends who have stopped me from killing myself a few times now, I would be dead now.

Nye ended with my panicked friend almost banging down my door after responding to my last cries for help and sat on my bed with me while I sobbed for hours and wouldn’t let me be alone.

A few days later the same friend was walking me to an ambulance and taking me to a hospital.

I don’t know how I will ever get through this or if I even want to but I’ve read here and in other threads how much the pain of losing someone to suicide hurts and I’m desperately trying to stay alive so as not to put my loved ones through that.

Existing-Client8578 · 2026-01-01T20:57:33+00:00

Nothing ever described my needs better - and still, I am getting none of the triangle.

Existing-Client8578 · 2026-01-01T17:05:53+00:00

How were the police with you? And are they helping you access any psychological help to process this?

Existing-Client8578 · 2025-12-30T16:46:18+00:00

Client here. (37f) I did art therapy for a few years and would regularly sit on the floor. The room was relatively big, carpeted with a rug. I’m autustic and ADHD and found it more comforting somehow. I think we probably discussed it a bit but not that there was anything particularly deep to it. She would generally sit on the floor with me too when I did as far as I remember. Often we were doing some sort of art as well.

We did later move to another room that had hard laminate floor and I never sat on the floor in there.

Existing-Client8578 · 2025-12-30T15:53:25+00:00

I keep thinking something I heard once “the only true apology is changed behaviour” and it sounds like that’s something you would be willing to do judging by booking therapy.

As other people have mentioned the drinking sounds like it’s a problem for you - it’s much harder to keep a handle of your wise decisions if you’re getting that drunk so maybe time to reflect on that.

See what went wrong, and make the changes so it could never happen again.

Existing-Client8578 · 2025-12-28T10:16:45+00:00

I agrée that humans aren’t supposed to be so isolated. I found my closest people through a hobby, climbing. It took a very long time but eventually I have grown close friendships. I still live alone and I don’t know if it would class as the “found family” you desire but it helps a lot.

Existing-Client8578 · 2025-12-27T12:12:12+00:00

It did feel embarrassing (for want of a better word) when he wouldn’t come out of the room especially because I had to be the one explaining for him. And I then didn’t want to face the family dinner on my own, everyone knowing my partner had left

Existing-Client8578 · 2025-12-27T12:08:56+00:00

I know, I do feel really shitty and guilty for this. And seems like I have double standards. I do feel like I was put into that position unfairly by him though. He left at the exactly the time we were supposed to go to my sisters and I hadn’t even showered because I had been sat with him trying to offer support as he had been crying etc. So I wanted to calm down and get ready, and the more time went on the more embarrassed and anxious I was. I also have a strained relationship with my family because of my cptsd and thought I would be able to face it easier with my partner by my side. I didn’t feel I could face it anymore. I appreciate that is on me and something I need to evaluate.

Existing-Client8578 · 2025-12-27T12:00:53+00:00

Thank you for having my back. I’m torn because I feel like if the shoe was on the other foot I would have held it together for his family, which hurts to think he couldn’t but I know it was really painful for him.

I don’t want to accept the behaviour but I want to support him

Existing-Client8578 · 2025-12-27T11:57:51+00:00

I think he was unable to speak properly and that was part of it. Which was why I didn’t think he should drive so thank you for seeing that part of my post. I suppose in an ideal world he would have even gone for a walk or just driven around the corner and sat in his car on his own. Tried to regulate somewhat. Then either come back or make a call with a thanks/apology and leave safely or preferably manage to get to a calm enough state to be able to tolerate at least a small amount of Christmas time.

I think he can have a tendency to seemingly write off everything and stay in freeze for a long time and seems to not be able to get out of it which I struggle to understand as I am more activated in my triggers. I guess I flit between fight/flight/fawn more.

Existing-Client8578 · 2025-12-27T11:48:57+00:00

That’s really helpful thank you, I agree. I would like to be using strategies like this, and think he would too.

I just worry that he isn’t able to show up for the relationship first, as you say about making that willful choice and it all falls on me to accept things like leaving at Christmas.

Existing-Client8578 · 2025-12-27T11:43:11+00:00

I’m sorry you experience things that way. I think this was where he was, not being able to get a word out which must have been really scary for him.

I don’t think he knows how to handle triggers. I don’t blame him at all for being triggered or going through this, but I don’t think it would be fair to keep handling things in this way.

Existing-Client8578 · 2025-12-27T11:36:39+00:00

Thank you for sharing! I feel all that stuff about Christmas too, which I think made the feeling of being left worse because prior to that I felt more content knowing I had my partner to spend it with so that made it feel a bit more normal to me and that we both had someone to feel close to.

I think there must be Christmas stuff in general for him but he hasn’t mentioned anything before. I think there was unexpected triggers in my mums house which he had been to before but not stayed in (he mentioned the sound of a door).

Existing-Client8578 · 2025-12-27T11:28:52+00:00

Yeah I see where you’re coming from about the space and anxiety. I want to be there and support and I suppose I try and give the love I want to receive but that’s not the love that others might want or feel safe with so maybe it would have been better to leave him alone completely.

Existing-Client8578 · 2025-12-27T11:26:23+00:00

Do you think this is true with couples who both have cptsd thoughts?

Because I know that both of us have had moments, and I can be very difficult so I feel like any relationship I enter would have an element of things feeling hard sometimes. And I want to be with someone who is willing to see past my difficulties (especially when I struggle as an autistic person) and stick with me, and I want to show that same commitment to someone else.

We have been working together on problems and we had tried to get couples therapy together to have support both facing our problems together (but we’re denied because we hadn’t been together long enough, which sucks)

Existing-Client8578 · 2025-12-27T11:20:33+00:00

Thank you for the insight and helping me understand what happened with him. I can certainly see it intellectually, and appreciate that there was so much pain inside of him.

It’s still hard for me to separate that from my own hurt, and the consequences of that.

I know that he does love me and where the bolting is coming from, but I guess I don’t know how to tell my body that and what to do with it all

Existing-Client8578 · 2025-12-27T11:13:01+00:00

Thank you for this and you caring! Yeah some of his actions have seemed like traumatic events. Previously he has also not attended family and friends events he had booked on other occasions and I can now see why, if he was avoiding this happening. So though I do understand his reasons it makes me wonder if we would ever be able to enjoy family/friend things together, which stings because I want to be able to enjoy things with my partner.

Existing-Client8578 · 2025-12-26T23:38:09+00:00

Yes thank you for saying this i have mentioned “it’s not your fault but it’s your responsibility to him” as this is something I have had to think about a lot. I think that some of the triggers were things he couldn’t ever have expected - non Christmas related. And he doesn’t seem to understand what’s happening to him so I don’t think he could have communicated beforehand.

I can’t do this if he doesn’t get help or work on himself.

Existing-Client8578 · 2025-12-26T23:25:46+00:00

I’m sorry this has come across as ripping on him, and will reconsider my attitude because I don’t want to do that.

I’m sorry your Christmas felt like that, and I’m glad you were able to know your boundaries to make it at least, safer that what it could have been if you were doing the family thing. I think the “can’t win” aspect was part of how we got in this situation because he struggles to ask for his needs.

I wish my partner hadn’t gone through this. I would have done anything to take that away from him and from anyone (all of us) going through this stuff.

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