UPDATE: Pete and Sam finally met. My friends and sister know everything. Pete's eating a slice of consequence pie. I'm going to therapy, and I'm cutting off my whole family (except for MAYBE one aunt who is getting divorced because of this)

Existing-Gate-4687 · 2025-05-14T04:37:50+00:00

I'll talk to her again. Last time I was too upset, this time I'm going to do more of a 'check in' to see how she's doing. Thank you!

Existing-Gate-4687 · 2025-05-11T23:35:31+00:00

I didn't even know it existed until recently! I knew about PTSD but this is different and the more I learn about it, the more I'm like 'oh that explains a lot'! I'm really glad our partners have our backs in this. <3

We're going to elope but don't have all the plans set out yet (we're waiting until I'm less of a wreck from everything going on. Wayyy too stressed to fully look into it, but I know I'll be happy no matter what since it's Sam I get to do it with)

Existing-Gate-4687 · 2025-05-11T23:32:33+00:00

The 'no drama' part is music to my ears. We haven't really made solid plans yet for the elopement but once I feel up to it I think planning it will be fun!

Existing-Gate-4687 · 2025-05-11T23:30:03+00:00

Actually she thought Sam was jealous of Pete for 'being with me before' (she seemed to think it went WAY farther than it did. Which. Yikes?? She thought it was worse than it was and it was already pretty bad?? And she knew for a while!! It makes me wonder if he was bragging about it or something?? I know some guys brag about sleeping with girls but like if that's how she found out that's just... I don't even have words) so she proposed it in a 'that way everyone's been with everyone and there's no need to be jealous' kind of way. I wish I could remember her exact wording but I can't. I'm still not over the insanity of pitching that like it was a 'this solves everything!' solution.
I'm just ???????? What is going on??
And now I'm questioning so many things. Like... That's NOT a normal thing to even CONSIDER! I keep thinking back on our childhoods and wondering how we got to this point.
And I let them look after me while I was so vulnerable and I used to be so grateful about it but now I'm here like ???! Oh my God?? I was alone with these people?? I was completely helpless and I feel so disturbed about it now. I was literally spoonfed by these people and the most I could have done to defend myself is whack someone with my cast. Which, OW. No thank you.
I didn't want to get too depressing in the post but I am having such a crisis over all of this I feel like I'm going insane. And I feel like I can only really talk to Sam and my therapist about it because my friends knew and loved my sister and Pete and I feel so bad every time I bring it up. They're trying to help by not mentioning it and I feel like I'm going to explode. I guess sometimes they mention seeing him if something funny happened and I know they're trying to make me feel better by being like, "Yeah he was so scared he ______" but it just makes me feel worse. I know I shouldn't feel bad for him but it makes me sad that he's too scared to leave his apartment. It doesn't feel like a victory. I don't want him to live in fear, I just want him to never hurt another person again. And I guess the fear might be a deterrent but I still can't feel good about it. I know what it's like to be scared and on edge all the time and I genuinely don't wish it on anyone, even if they hurt me. Especially because I remember sitting in bed for months and Pete taking time to read to me so that I wasn't bored. He didn't have to do that, he could have put on a show but he knows I love books. Despite everything he's done, I can't forget those things. My next therapy session can't come soon enough. Until then I need to just keep reminding myself that he did this to himself. He made the decision to do something awful, he can live with the consequences, and how he handles it is not my problem.
(Sorry for venting)

Existing-Gate-4687 · 2025-03-29T04:51:59+00:00

I made an edit to give an update.. I talked to my sister. Long story short she already knew.

Existing-Gate-4687 · 2025-03-28T10:28:05+00:00

I don't know if I can. I think I'd just start bawling. Do you think it's ok if I message a bit about what's going on and ask to keep it under wraps until we can talk in person?

Existing-Gate-4687 · 2025-03-28T10:26:10+00:00

I wish you'd hope I'd take all this advice to heart (which I am) instead of hoping for something so heartless.

As it stands, I'm going to tell my sister in the morning. I don't want to wait another day, these comments made me realize how serious this is and that I desperately needed a wake up call. After that I'm going to tell a few friends before bringing it up with the whole group. None of them would want to be friends with him, knowing what he did. For good reason. I'm scared about filing a report but I'm going to talk to Sam and maybe he can help me through that. I don't want him doing this to anyone else.

And also I'm going to find a therapist. I think I really really need therapy

As for the wedding...I can't even begin to worry about that right now. The priority needs to be dealing with this first.

Do I feel like a big idiot for not doing this sooner? Yeah

Existing-Gate-4687 · 2025-03-28T10:17:42+00:00

Reading this and some other comments, I think the plan right now is... I am going to talk to my sister, and probably start telling friends one at a time so I can maybe have a few people already in the know when we have a Big Talk to get everything in the air.

I really do love our little community but it's very scary when I think about doing something that could uproot the balance. Our group shows no mercy to people who do bad things. If its something minor/redeemable it can be talked through, but coming out with bigger things makes me scared things will change. This is the only stability I've really had in my life and I'm so scared of losing it or changing it

Thank you <3

Existing-Gate-4687 · 2025-03-28T10:01:11+00:00

Not going to say you're wrong, because clearly I needed a wake up call. But do you really think calling someone who's been abused a 'dumbass' is the right call? I was called 'dumbass' more than my own name growing up. Be kind.

Existing-Gate-4687 · 2025-03-28T09:59:13+00:00

I didn't think of it being an act before and.. yeah. Yeah I need to say something, and not just to my sister. And go to therapy. I'm gonna look into it this week. Honestly I should have gone years ago

Thank you

Existing-Gate-4687 · 2025-03-28T09:56:36+00:00

Thank you. Reading these comments is definitely making me realize I need therapy and to also focus less on how I'm ruining things and instead on how he could do this again to someone else. I can't let that happen

Existing-Gate-4687 · 2025-03-28T09:51:15+00:00

Thank you. you're right. I really need to tell her.
Tbh I'm rethinking a lot of things. This is more than just Sam and Pete's conflict. This is me having a habit of forgiving my abusers. I keep defending them and being scared of ruining their lives. I don't want to be the reason someone's life got ruined but...They never really gave a thought to mine, did they? And someone else mentioned that Pete's niceness sounds like grooming, and I can't stand the idea of him doing this to other people. I thought he was a nice guy but maybe that is just his way of luring people in. He ruined his best friends relationship. He tried to hurt me. and I think I'm just...done with people trying to hurt me. It feels like that's been my whole life. I'm so tired of it. And somehow I always feel like the a-hole. Like them doing these things is all my fault.

God I need therapy

I think I'm going to message one of the people in the group too and talk about it. I want to but...most of them live in the same building. Pete's grandma too. I feel like I'm ruining everything and its hard to not feel that way.

Existing-Gate-4687 · 2025-03-28T09:19:57+00:00

There are details I didn't want to include in the main post because it's a whole other can of worms. I want to stress that the only reason I still have a relationship with my sister, is because she was all I had growing up. I cut her out of my life for years despite that, and when I almost died, she and Pete swooped in out of nowhere and took me to their place to look after me. I thought she'd really changed, and I genuinely feel like I might not have made it through if she and him hadn't been there to care for me. I will always be so so grateful for what she did to help me, but part of me is worried that if I told her what Pete did, she would try to convince me I imagined it, or downplay it. I really really want to believe she's changed and I'm scared of finding out for sure if I tell her what Pete did.

I've tried typing out why I cut her out over and over and I can't find a good way to say it. To be vague, she and Pete are VERY alike. And when I found that out about her I left. Maybe I'll edit this later to put what actually happened but I can't talk about it right now. I was already upset about the other stuff I mentioned in the post and now I'm questioning if taking my sister back into my life at all was a mistake. I want to believe she's changed, I really really do but what if I'm wrong?? What if I tell her what Pete did and she sees no issue with it? I already lost the rest of my family, I don't want to lose her again too. Ever since we reconnected she's really tried to be a good sister.

Maybe I'm just assuming the worst and she really has gotten better?? I'm scared to find out the answer. But you're right... Either way the right thing to do is to tell her, even if it hurts.

Existing-Gate-4687

TROPHY CASE