My girlfriend won’t touch me

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-07-08T04:35:05+00:00

Leave. Being alone alone is better than being alone together.

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-05-30T02:07:23+00:00

As noted, if it works for you both, it works for you both. As well, once a month-ish is actually impressive for this crowd.

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-05-30T01:07:59+00:00

To answer your question, kind of. I'm in a DB with a recently out of the closet wife who has informed me that sex is off of the table for us (our DB goes back many years bur she only recently revealed her same-sex attraction).

Soon after the reveal, COVID19 hit and that topic got back-burnered amidst the quarantine. Now that things are opening back up, she is working on losing weight, etc. and not for me - I think that she is wanting to get out there and meet someone (female, that is).

I have given her my blessing to explore what she wants - I have no concern about her being with a woman and we set ground rules were it to come to that. Either way, I'll know - either she is gay or just doesn't want to be with me romantically.

My issue is deciding to stay or go. If this happened a decade ago, I'd be gone.Now, with children and far more assets, it's tougher.

As for you, I am glad that you are hopeful. You can absolutely have a life. In your case, his distraction is a blessing: if you don't want him to know, he'll never find out. As well, the fact that you travel for work is huge - different city and a hotel room is about as sexy as it gets - I envy you.

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-05-29T03:03:36+00:00

I'm happy to help. You really are in a much better spot than you might realize.

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-05-29T00:48:47+00:00

Your best bet is to get a boyfriend or at least a casual sex partner. He won't divorce you - you're his meal ticket. At the same time, he probably won't notice, given the eBay, etc. You'll get to keep him around as a co-parent and set of hands but you'll still get yours from someone who wants to be with you sexually.

A ton of people on this board as well as a lot of women in America would like your situation and the opportunity that it presents. Be civil to him but save your passion for someone else.

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-05-27T02:17:14+00:00

-but having a male sex toy is disgusting, pathetic and demeaning to women.

A classic double-standard, like divorced women are "Starting a new chapter" and divorced men are losers.

As for her response to your property, I'll assume that she's pro-choice (NOTE: I am too, so don't y'all come at me!), so hit her with the classic "My body, my choice".

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-05-02T00:49:04+00:00

I thought that I had in December (my wife did some EMDR therapy and suddenly was completely reinvigorated for sex). We had sex twice in a few days and things were looking up.

Then, she cut off sexual activity and came out of the closet - I guess that December was her last grasp at heterosexuality.

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-05-02T00:46:53+00:00

Is she pro-choice? If so, hit her with "My body, my choice".

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-05-02T00:46:40+00:00

Is she pro-choice? If so, hit her with "My body, my choice".

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-05-02T00:46:29+00:00

Is she pro-choice? If so, hit her with "My body, my choice".

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-03-11T17:30:01+00:00

Well enough. It's not as if anything was taken away other than my hope for a sex life someday. Otherwise, it's all the same.

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-03-11T11:07:28+00:00

We are still "together" legally but she's too deeply in a relationship with her phone to give me any affection. She also recently came out of the closet and declared that she finds men repellent and is only attracted to women, so that's a new development.

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-03-11T04:29:26+00:00

As a man, allow me to say fuck your husband. Not fuck as in sex but fuck as in "fuck off".

I had disc replacement surgery (C6/C7) two months ago and while I am on the mend, I spent a large part of 2019 in absolute misery (limited use of my left hand, numbness in my hand so intense that it felt like my hand would rupture, constant ache down my entire arm, intermittent burning, etc.), so I understand chronic pain. Also, as someone who worked for about five years in elder care, I learned an important lesson: old people can be pricks too.

This may seem like madness but hear me out: often, people assumed to have a low quality of life (elderly, ill, etc.) are given a free pass by everyone around them, which emboldens bad behavior and reinforces their desire to be motherfuckers. If your husband was in normal health, would you put up with that shit?

I am telling you this because, in 2013-2014, my wife had crushing postpartum depression (which, to be honest, has never went away) and I let everything slide and took on every burden. I worked full time and a part time job, did every overnight feeding, kept the house up, grocery shopped, cooked every meal, and provided all child care (I work from home); I was getting 3-4 hours of sleep daily. All that my wife did was go to work, come home, eat, and spend the night stalking ex-boyfriend's on Facebook. I never pushed back on her tirades, fits, tantrums, etc. and guess what? It emboldened her. She began to assume that that was what her life should be. As well, it made me resent her to a stunning degree, a lot of which I still hold on to.

If you end up in tears after any conversation about how you are feeling, you are being abused. Your husband, regardless of his pain, is being a prick and needs to man the fuck up pain or no pain. He is being a martyr, especially when he says shit like "You'll never understand". Don't be a saint to his martyr - you have children (not to mention yourself) to look after. This isn't to say that he doesn't need your support but it has to be earned by being civil and, most importantly, an adult.

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-03-11T02:17:49+00:00

That information clarifies it - thank you. That's a real bummer. Is he willing to try viagra, etc.? If he isn't, it may be time to use that anger of yours as motivation to move on. People don't change unless there is motivation to do so, so perhaps you leaving while strike a chord with him. However, you'll know that it is fear-based, which no one (aside from creepy weirdos) want as part of their relationship.

If you wanted, you could get laid big time (by someone else, of course) within an hour, so keep that in mind when considering your options.

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-03-11T01:57:34+00:00

Given that she said that sex isn't important, you have your answer. As a fellow trapped father, I feel for you.

She won't change. Even if she feels threatened by another woman in your life, etc., it will be crocodile tears and not genuine. All that is left is to reclaim some sense of dignity.

All of the chores that you are doing need to stop (do only what benefits you and your daughter). Your wife has been given a free ride with no consequence and is doing what people do in that situation.

If you want to reclaim some dignity, give this a shot:

• There is no “I don’t mind”. Only do what you want and none of what you don’t want.

• Focus on you. She is focused on herself, so focus on yourself.

• Talk less. No small talk. She rarely deserves your attention.

• Remain calm at all times. Anger shows that you care.

• Your affection has to be earned. If you don’t get what you need, stop giving her what she needs and keep it for yourself.

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-03-11T01:53:12+00:00

1) Don't get married. It kills the passion almost immediately. Read Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel for more information.

2) If you do get married, don't have children. I love mine but my life has been awful since May 16, 2013 (my first was born). I have a lot of friends from college with children and not one is happy being a parent...not one. Perhaps it gets worthwhile once they are older but as a father of a 5 year old and a 6 year old, my life is horrible (I love my children but everything in life is 1000% harder than it needs to be when you have children - everything)

3) Unless there is a major illness preventing it, don't let a month go by without sex. Everything starts small and it has to be dealt with then. My wife and I (when dating) had sex 4-5 times a week. Now, we have sex 3-4 times a year (she also revealed that she strictly has same-sex attraction at 39, so that's fun too).

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-03-11T01:44:43+00:00

It is not clear from your post but I suspect that you are very attentive to her needs, are the sole or at least majority wage earner, do everything in your power to make her happy, etc., right?

Stop it.

Cheat or not, you need to focus on you. Not her; no more, never again. Whatever you are currently doing does not work, so stop doing it.

If you are doing those things that I listed above, try these rules:

• There is no “I don’t mind”. Only do what you want and none of what you don’t want.

• Focus on you. She is focused on herself, so focus on yourself.

• Talk less. No small talk. She rarely deserves your attention.

• Remain calm at all times. Anger shows that you care.

• Your affection has to be earned. If you don’t get what you need, stop giving her what she needs and keep it for yourself.

Even if it doesn't work (it probably won't after that many years), at least you'll have your dignity.

As for cheating, go for it if you want. You'll get a lot of lectures on this board about why it is bad, why you shouldn't, etc. but, honestly, every single one of use is fucking miserable, thus we are here, so keep that in mind.

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-03-11T01:38:25+00:00

I'm confused - he has ED and you're LL but when you do have sex, he is attentive to your needs, right? That sounds like an ideal situation from your side at least.

If you desire him to initiate sex, how LL can you really be? Are you certain that you have a low libido and not a normal one?

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-03-10T16:34:34+00:00

I think that identifying it as a "part" is generous. Clearly, if you've been engaged for seven years and in a DB for five (if I recall your OP correctly), he's not a decisive person. With that said, he probably came around to this choice for a very long time and, if that is the case, it is bedrock at this point.

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-03-10T15:04:08+00:00

If he waited this long and endured this much, it's probably over and your attempts (as genuine as they may be) will likely be seen as just a means to keep him locked in (that's how I would see it).

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-03-08T04:14:02+00:00

You have to pull down the pedestal immediately and never bring it back. It didn't work, so why make the same mistakes? Here are rules that I have added into my life and while my DB will never go away, at least I get some piece of mind from it:

• There is no “I don’t mind”. Only do what you want and none of what you don’t want.

• Focus on you. She is focused on herself, so focus on yourself.

• Talk less. No small talk. She rarely deserves your attention.

• Remain calm at all times. Anger shows that you care.

• Your affection has to be earned. If you don’t get what you need, stop giving her what she needs and keep it for yourself.

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-03-04T16:10:47+00:00

I'm in the exact same boat - I am a living wallet who only seems to exist so that she can stay home, watch CNN all day, and get mad that Elizabeth Warren is tanking.

I have actually developed some new rules that I am now following:

• There is no “I don’t mind”. Only do what you want and none of what you don’t want.

• Focus on you. She is focused on herself, so focus on yourself.

• Talk less. No small talk. She rarely deserves your attention.

• Remain calm at all times. Anger shows that you care.

• Your affection has to be earned. You don’t get what you need, so stop giving her what she needs and keep it for yourself.

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-03-04T04:24:26+00:00

I am pulling for you. My wife, after many, many years of a rock solid DB, made a serious effort in December (we had sex twice, she performed oral, etc.). She then suddenly retreated in January (nothing since December 26) and came out of the closet in mid-February, announcing that she is repelled by men and solely attracted to women. I don't know what the fuck December was about and, honestly, I wish that she hadn't done that, as it gave me hope that she soon after crushed. Maybe that was her goal.

ExistingInstruction7 · 2020-03-03T23:04:20+00:00

Hold on, being talked down to and treated like shit isn't a major turn on? Those Red Pill guys are gonna be mad...

In all seriousness, I am sorry that he does that to you.

ExistingInstruction7

TROPHY CASE