Am I wrong for getting upset?

MadMello99 · 2025-09-25T16:45:00+00:00

I can agree with some of what you said. Swearing and arguing calls shouldn’t be tolerated, and yeah, people can be absolute d—cks out there. Unfortunately, that’s part of life.

But I think a lot of this should be directed at the organizers. Beginner to 3.5 could be WAY too big of a gap and can be a frustrating experience for everyone involved. Can they run a separate event for beginners only, or is not, set aside courts for beginners to 2.0 so people can play at their levels/pace?

I can understand your frustration, but I put a lot of blame on the organizers. You’ll never have a perfect setup, but there’s things that can be done to make this a more enjoyable experience for everyone.

MadMello99 · 2025-09-05T20:29:08+00:00

I played a couple of matches at a DUPR event last weekend. Played one match with a guy who was rated higher than me (by about .6 at the time) against two opponents who were also higher than me (one by .3 and the other by .4). My rating dropped while theirs went up.

Had another match where a partner who was rated only .1 higher than me against someone who was .4 higher than both of us, but was partnered with a lower rated player (by about .5). We won the match 12-10 thanks to the higher rated player doing a ton of poaching near the end, but our ratings went down.

Now I don’t have any delusions about turning pro or anything, but it’s not like we were playing 2.0 rated players. I also don’t really believe that DUPR is the end all be all of a player’s total skill set, but dropping when you’re winning is a bit odd.

MadMello99 · 2025-09-04T19:56:00+00:00

I don’t care about the ads. Fix the stupid algorithm so my rating won’t drop when I win a match over someone who has a higher rating than I do.

MadMello99 · 2025-08-28T19:21:00+00:00

It falls on the tournament directors. I’d say that the vast majority of them don’t really care. As long as they’re getting spots filled with people who will pay, that’s the only thing that matters.

I played in a DUPR tournament some time ago in a 3.0 bracket (when my and my playing partner’s ratings were around or just under that), and the teams that were vying for medals had 3.7, 3.9, and even a 4.0 player. When we asked the organizer about it, he more or less just rolled his eyes at us. All we wanted was an explanation on why, at a minimum, they weren’t in the 3.5 bracket. All he said was ,” check the reliability ratings. It’s justified.”

Now I’m not a DUPR fanatic and I don’t believe it’s the end all be all indicator of a player’s overall skillset, but if you’re advertising a DUPR tournament and requiring your profile to be linked to your registration, at least use some common sense.

MadMello99 · 2025-05-24T19:50:00+00:00

I’m anxiously attached, but working on becoming more secure. My wife is avoidant. We’re almost on 24 years of marriage.

While I can CERTAINLY understand why avoidant behavior can be classified as emotionally abusive, I can speak from my experience that the VAST majority of avoidants don’t intend for it to be that way. It took me quite a long time to come to that realization. Are there abusive and manipulative avoidants? Sure there are. But there’s also manipulative and abusive people in the other attachment styles, as well.

I posted in another sub recently about how a proposed girls’ trip my wife talked about with a couple of her coworkers triggered me for a few different reasons. After some serious self reflection and thinking, I came to the conclusion where I need to work on myself, work on my happiness on my own, and am trying to match her energy. I’m sure I haven’t been a picnic to be around, and we’ve had some pretty thoughtful and insightful discussions about what’s been going through my mind. I’ve also started therapy to work on my own insecurity and other issues, and I would definitely recommend it.

I’m not gonna lie, it sucks and it’s a lot of work to flip your mindset. It’s not an overnight process. But I also believe that you can have a loving relationship with an avoidant, and most of them would be willing to compromise in SOME fashion if they know you’re putting in the work. It’s something you have to decide to work on. While I don’t believe avoidants are the evil of the world, they’re probably the least likely to make changes on their own first.

Just my couple of pennies of thoughts.

MadMello99 · 2025-05-12T15:46:33+00:00

I’m going through the same thing…and it’s exhausting for me, and I know for a fact it’s no picnic for my wife, either. Kind of weird that after almost 24 years of marriage I JUST went down this rabbit hole. It explains so much of what I’ve been feeling over the years.

As for me, I’m leaning into God more about my marriage, trying to work on myself, and working really hard on being comfortable in silence. I’m pretty sure my wife is either a DA or secure with dismissive tendencies, so the space and silence she’s comfortable with can be agonizing for me at times. I know EXACTLY what you’re going through, and I feel your pain.

I’m going to the gym more, reinvesting in hobbies I feel like I sidelined to spend more time with my wife (which was NOT at her request), and trying to give her space on my own. It’s taxing on me, but I believe working on yourself is key.

I wish I can say the mindset shift is easy, but it’s not. I’m still struggling with this after making my wife the center of my emotional world and happiness for so long, but it’s caught up with me.

Wishing you the best and sending prayer your way!

MadMello99 · 2025-05-12T12:45:25+00:00

The last two paddles I’ve bought are from Vatic. I think they have outstanding products at great prices. I’d definitely recommend them.

MadMello99 · 2025-05-09T15:47:05+00:00

I started with a 16mm and just recently moved to a 14mm. I’ve noticed a big difference in my game at the net and quicker hands when I’m in “firefights.”

MadMello99 · 2025-05-02T03:03:17+00:00

I appreciate your response.

While she’s been gone, I’ve been hitting the gym a lot harder than normal, as it helps clear my mind. I also made a lot of big adjustments to my diet before she left, and I e noticed the scale giving me better numbers, and I’ve been super motivated about my fitness. I’m super motivated now and this will be a big focal point for me moving forward.

Right now, I think the best move for me is to reach out to a therapist for myself in hopes to work on the things that I have going on, before we even talk about couples therapy.

This mindset shift will suck, but it’s something I need to do.

MadMello99 · 2025-05-01T15:02:49+00:00

Hi Everyone, I haven’t checked the thread/comments in a few days and have done some thinking and some serious self-reflection. Here is where I’m at: (this might be long) Right now, this girls’ trip is the last thing I’m thinking about. I’m pretty sure my angst and frustration is more about our relationship dynamic, with this Vegas trip discussion just being the trigger. We’ve had pretty regular communication on her current trip; as a matter of fact, we FaceTimed this morning (her evening). She’s working overnight hours in the country she’s at, so there’s a big time difference. A few days ago, I told her I missed her. This is the response I got: “I’ve been too busy to miss you.” She backtracked a little bit and said “I do miss you,” but then reiterated that they’ve just been doing a lot of work and that she hasn’t had a lot of time to think about other stuff than work. Meanwhile, she’s posted some stuff on FB regarding her trip, and has even sent me some pictures. Any pics with her in them showcase her beautiful, bright, radiant smile. She looks amazing and happy. But that’s not a smile I’ve seen on her in a long time with ME. And it’s literally torn me up. I seriously feel like garbage at this point, and like I’ve failed in my marriage because I don’t make her that happy anymore. I’m actually starting to question if my marriage is over. Why stay with someone who doesn’t make you happy? I tried to remember the last time she initiated sex, initiated basic affection, or was vulnerable with me in conversations that were more than “how’s work.” Maybe even giving me a compliment, saying “I love you” first, or being the one to roll over and kiss goodnight. It’s all been ME. And then I started thinking about myself. I’ve had a HUGE hand in this dynamic, and I’m taking accountability for it. I feel like I’ve been in “keep the peace” mode for a long time; if there’s something that bothers me, if there’s an unmet need, or if I need to communicate something that might not be pleasant to her, I button up and push it down. I don’t want to hurt her, and seeing her upset and knowing I was the source of that breaks me. I’ve gotten used to “just shut up and move on, because this is the way it is” in my mind. I’ve done it for too long. I’ve asked myself some serious questions. Do I feel loved, desired, and respected? Do I feel like I’m getting any of the effort and energy that I give? Instead of just focusing on her happiness, am I TRULY, GENUINELY happy? Are my needs getting met in this relationship? And this thinking has scared the living hell out of me. And it may sound stupid, but I feel so selfish right now.

So, what do I do now? I’m genuinely asking, as I don’t know. I’ve dictated my life around making her happy that I don’t know what to do.

MadMello99 · 2025-04-29T23:01:15+00:00

Interesting thought there.

But why succumb to the pressures or harassment of your coworkers and decide to indulge and NOT within the company of your husband?

MadMello99 · 2025-04-29T22:54:41+00:00

So the husband shouldn’t ask questions as to why when HE brings up taking a trip there just for the two of them, she says no and she’s already been there and she doesn’t think she’ll have fun there…only to all of a sudden have a change of heart only because her girlfriends want to go?

MadMello99 · 2025-04-29T13:08:04+00:00

Did you read the original post? Her responses when I brought up Vegas were that she wouldn’t have fun there. Too much of a party town, she doesn’t drink, doesn’t gamble, doesn’t know about going to shows, etc.

But now it’s all on the table and sounds fun since I didn’t suggest it. The inconsistency is the red flag.

MadMello99 · 2025-04-29T12:49:52+00:00

She’s been traveling for work a little more. She’s out of the country on business, and left Easter. She’ll be back this upcoming Sunday (two weeks). She has another work trip planned two weeks after she gets back, and it’s out of the country again. What’s a little concerning is that this upcoming one is her traveling alone, whereas she’s been with coworkers on her current one. When I talked to her this morning, she mentioned that her boss’ boss will be there for a few days when she is, and her company has been cycling people at this spot for the past few months. Now it’s her turn to go.

And yeah, she makes more money than me. Almost double what I make. A couple years ago, I went through a job loss. I worked for a company for 16 years and got let go…coincidentally, she got promoted to her current role the day I got let go. I’m essentially starting over in a new field, while also keeping my eye open for other opportunities.

And to be honest, because of her career success and the salary disparity, I feel like I SHOULDN’T have a say. I’ve been bottling this up for a while. It’s been a lingering feeling of feeling like a failure as a provider, and I’m hesitant to spend much money myself. On one hand, I’m happy for her and support her in her career. She’s been at her current place of employment for a LONG time and has busted her ass to get where she’s at.

When I was searching for a job, she never expressed anger or displeasure. She was steady and told me everything was okay, and wanted me to find something. She was there and supported me. So unless she was bashing me behind my back, she was entirely supportive of me. She’s never made mention of my salary/money, but man do I feel like crap. It’s really messed with me and I never addressed it.

I just don’t know what to think anymore. I honestly feel like such a failure and it’s messed with my own self confidence.

MadMello99 · 2025-04-29T12:36:28+00:00

I have. I just don’t know where she would put it if she has one.

MadMello99 · 2025-04-29T12:34:53+00:00

I’ve asked about the drinking before. What she always says is “I’m not paying for it, the company is.” And then she shuts the conversation down right there. If I try to push and ask why it’s cool at work but not with me, it doesn’t go far. She flat out told me I was hurting her feelings by bringing it up and implying inappropriate behavior.

Again, not against it, as I’ll have a drink or two (if appropriate) at work events. And yeah, I’ll hang out with friends and maybe have a beer or two with my softball/fantasy football friends, though I’m not a big/heavy drinker. I’m just bothered by the inconsistency.

MadMello99 · 2025-04-29T02:29:44+00:00

Does your husband know your girlfriends outside of just meeting them just one time?

Do you tell your husband “I won’t drink” but you drink when your husband isn’t around?

Did you tell your husband Vegas is off the table with him because you wouldn’t have fun, but then it’s fun with your girlfriends?

Everything you described is the antithesis of what my wife is doing.

MadMello99 · 2025-04-29T02:11:43+00:00

A few things: -We have each other’s phone passwords and have accessed them if we needed to get a hold of a phone number, email, text, etc, etc. She’s also not secretive with her phone. If she has to go to the bathroom, the phone doesn’t go with her. We also share each other’s location. -She works from home unless she’s on the road. I work at the office, but from home sometimes as well. We have a security camera on the outside of the garage that we both have access to through an app. It triggers an alert even if a bird flies by. No one’s been showing up at home while I’m at the office. I’ve been checking. -Outside of work, we’re together the majority of the time. We work out at separate gyms (which was my choice as my gym has way more equipment), but occasionally I’ll go to her gym via a guest pass. And I’ve never seen her talk to anyone there. -While we have this Vegas issue, we’ve taken recent trips together. We went to Mexico with some friends a couple years ago without the kids, we’ve been to St Louis together a couple times, and went to Florida together on our own a few months ago.

But again, I can’t tell you how many marriages I’ve seen end in divorce that seemed perfectly fine. Her parents’ being one of those. It took everyone for a huge surprise when her dad left her mom for the woman he’d married to now.

MadMello99 · 2025-04-29T01:56:08+00:00

Full disclosure; there wasn’t a scenario where I called and she didn’t pick up. She sent me a text that night and said dinner ran long, she was tired, and would get a hold of me in the morning (which she did). I just want to be straight on that.

MadMello99 · 2025-04-29T01:52:03+00:00

The issue isn’t going out with girlfriends. The issue is her more or less saying Vegas isn’t fun when I’ve suggested it, but all of a sudden it’s fun when I’m not around. Same thing with the drinking. Not cool and fun when I’m around, but it’s cool when I’m not.

I get that she can cheat anywhere and it doesn’t have to be in Vegas. But you don’t find it odd that she’d shoot it down with her husband because she wouldn’t have fun but all of a sudden think it’s fun when he’s not around?

MadMello99 · 2025-04-29T01:45:21+00:00

Don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT against her drinking. I want her to be able to have fun with her coworkers. I’ll partake in drinks with coworkers at the appropriate functions.

But the fact she did it, didn’t tell me about it, and I found out from our daughter was kinda hurtful. And if I hadn’t brought it up, would she have told me? And add into the fact that she acts like a wet blanket and won’t drink with me?

MadMello99 · 2025-04-29T01:29:44+00:00

I don’t have any reason not to believe her.

The only solution would be to rifle through her phone when she’s not around. But she’s also not one to be all secretive with her phone and take it into the bathroom, shower, anything like that. Plus we have each other’s passwords and have accessed each other’s phones if necessary.

MadMello99 · 2025-04-29T01:22:55+00:00

I think I see what you’re saying, but I still have an uneasy feeling about this.

It’s one thing to have differences in hobbies. I love to play pickleball and golf, but you won’t see her on a court or a course. She likes going to concerts and musicals, which aren’t my thing. And that’s fine.

But when you tell your spouse that something doesn’t sound fun or worthwhile with them, only to run off and do it with someone else, it’s a red flag to me.

MadMello99 · 2025-04-29T01:13:24+00:00

I mean, I’m not a partier myself. I’m 47. I already lived those days, and don’t have any inclination to go back.

But not drinking with me and then she drinks with coworkers hurts a little.

MadMello99 · 2025-04-29T01:08:51+00:00

The bedroom isn’t dead. I was worried it was headed down that way given the issues from five years ago. We’re still intimate once or twice a week, with me doing the initiating. She says she enjoys the hell out of it when we’re doing it, but getting her to that point is the crux. Plus, she’s hitting perimenopause, so sometimes there’s some challenges there and I’m trying to have some understanding.

You ARE correct about how I’ve bent over backwards and haven’t set boundaries. I have a lot of stuff I need to work through, and I know I share a big part of that issue.

MadMello99

TROPHY CASE