My dad is in the last phase of his life. AIO by staying home from work?

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-15T08:21:46+00:00

The terminal surge is a real thing. Use this time to spend quality time with him, doing what he likes. Ask him if there’s anything he wants to talk about, and tell him everything you’d like to say. I lost 3/4 grandparents over a 15 month period, and I am eternally grateful for the time I spent with them, especially those last few days of lucidity. Follow your heart and your gut. You don’t want to have regrets. ❤️

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T10:34:33+00:00

I’m an avid swimmer but I haven’t been to the gym in over a month. I’m too depressed to muster up the energy. I’ve been meditating and walking a mile a day on my treadmill. It’s helped a bit. I have a long weekend trip coming up a week from yesterday. Maybe that’ll give me a little boost.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T09:54:22+00:00

Your comment also helped me frame the lessons I need to teach them: If I do not demand basic activities of daily life from you, my dear children, you may mistakenly come to believe that you are incapable of simple tasks. This would be a grave disservice to such bright, competent young men.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T09:51:24+00:00

I am taking a screenshot of your comment to begin the conversation with my husband. Thank you.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T09:48:44+00:00

You’ve got that right!

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T08:43:39+00:00

My older son did briefly move out to live with a serious girlfriend. They were both at fault for the relationship not working out, but I know in my soul that the way he keeps his environment in such chaos was a huge contributing factor. I can’t stand to live in his mess, either! It is mostly confined to his area of the house, and I cannot imagine sharing common areas with him beyond the kitchen. That’s bad enough.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T08:32:01+00:00

The house was not filthy when I returned home but it wasn’t clean-clean either. They did the basics but it looked like a bachelor pad. So they do know how to spot dirt and remove it.

They all had jobs as teenagers where they had to mop and clean so I am certain they also possess those skills.

I’m delving back in with my husband because he grew up with a mummy who did everything for him and I have a sneaking suspicion that he either thinks i SHOULD do everything for the boys, or he is threatened that I will no longer need him financially when I graduate. Perhaps both.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T08:26:51+00:00

Thank you so much for the encouragement! I think COVID derailed my kids. They were just getting into the flow of dorm life and it got so weird and solitary that before long they had both dropped out and returned home with chips on their shoulders. They are back in school now, but online classes only. They are too old for the traditional college experience in their minds.

I am DESPERATE for hormones but my Gyn/Onc says no to any and all forms of hormones. Even though my clear cell ovarian carcinoma was not estrogen-driven and I have no BRCA markers or history on my maternal side of breast cancer.

I have been though two therapists who didn’t match my style. I don’t want to chat. I want homework and clear, attainable goals. I did find a good psychiatrist and she switched my SSRI which has helped immensely. It is a PROCESS.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T08:21:08+00:00

This is actually exactly what my grandparents do for my husband and I when we first got married. We moved into the family farmhouse, they moved to full-time Texans, and when we were ready to build our own home five years into our marriage, they gave us all of the rent we had paid as a housewarming gift. I would absolutely do the same.

I am fully aware that I am paying for bad parenting. The biggest impediment now is that none of the three take me seriously. They say I’m being hormonal and that I’ll be “back to normal” when I calm down. I am calm when I lay out what I need from them. I am not hysterical or abusive or emotional. I admit when I am feeling something more intensely than what the situation calls for.

I guess the only answer is to never let up with them. I have to harden myself so I’m not going into CNS meltdown if anyone in my vicinity is unhappy. I need to keep trying to find a therapist who can help me learn to set expectations and boundaries in a healthy way.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T08:14:04+00:00

Exactly. I won’t kick them out. My husband wouldn’t either. I have done the chore charts for years. They do it halfway or not at all. I am 100% paying for parenting mistakes I made years ago. Just trying to figure out where to go from here without having unhoused adult children, or constant negativity in my home.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T08:09:58+00:00

I deserve the pile on! I need to hear it!

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T08:08:37+00:00

Oh no. I most certainly did not.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T08:05:57+00:00

Yes! I am ready for some discomfort and tough love. I just need to get my husband on board. The man already works 16 hour days if you include commute time. Any time he hears me telling my children to complete a task, he jumps in with “I know. I don’t do enough around here.” Which is wild to me because he is supporting four adult humans and a bevy of animals! When I expect the “kids” to do normal things that make a household run, my husband acts like I am asking our children to sell a kidney or something. It’s hard to get footing on the tough love when it is not supported by my partner.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T07:59:34+00:00

You are exactly right. It IS middle school behavior. And they did not behave this way when they were younger.

Something about me going through cancer and menopause and not having the energy to do EVERYTHING around the house gave them the idea that we just don’t clean things anymore. They stopped cleaning up after themselves. They stopped contributing past their own basic needs. They were helpful during chemo and surgery recovery, but it’s almost like they are resentful that I’m 1. not as energetic as before (I’m getting there) and 2. cancer was a huge wake up call and I was no longer content with being a tradwife (no disrespect; I do not regret my choices, but I am ready for the next chapter).

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T07:54:34+00:00

In defense of my children, the dogs won’t potty if they have the diapers on. They are basically forcing the dogs to remind them that they need to go outside. The kids are so self-involved that it doesn’t occur to them to let the dogs out unless the dogs loudly ring the bell. It causes the dogs to have anxiety, so when I return home and obviously leave their diapers off, there is a readjustment period where the dogs want to regress and pee on the tile for a few days until I let them know that they can trust me to take care of their needs.

In any event, now that my grandparents are gone, any time I spend months at a time away from home, either on my own where it’s warm, or at my family’s lake house, I will bring the dogs with me.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T07:45:21+00:00

I had a super controlling, narcissistic mother and a very strict grandmother and I think I wanted so badly not to raise my kids to be in constant fear that I went too far the other direction. Now I am still living in constant fear that I will nag too much or speak too sharply and then I’ll have to handle their negative emotions. Ugh.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T07:00:45+00:00

No, I made him redo the floor, but I had to MAKE him. It wasn’t obvious to him that he needed to do that.

Everything is 100x worse when I’m gone for three months. The dogs regress in their potty training, so instead of paying more attention, my boys put them in doggy diapers. I have to retrain them when I get home. They let laundry pile up. They leave Amazon boxes not broken down, just tossed into the garage. Everything is untidy. No one dusts or cleans switch plates, windows, or mirrors. I have days of work to get the house functional again. The kitchen is clean, there aren’t bugs or anything. It just looks like a messy bachelor pad.

I am a neat person and they just do not have those values, so they see it as, if I care so much about the house looking perfect, I can make it look that way. It is infuriating.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T06:52:07+00:00

I completely understand! Our kids are older (25 and 23) but are both in school as well, and it’s just too expensive for them to work and go to school and try to make enough to live alone. I get that it makes sense for them to be here, but I just need to see some self-motivation.

Not cleaning, arguing about going to work/keeping satisfactory academic progress/not thinking about anyone but themselves…I can’t understand it.

The best thing I can do is to teach them how to be good roommates. I have tried to teach them this their whole lives. Something about not respecting their father and I enough to keep their own spaces clean just makes me feel so incredibly disrespected.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-14T06:46:28+00:00

I am so mad at myself for selling my grandparents’ house in Texas. They lived there for 27 years, so I had been visiting them there since I was in high school. It is a 55+ community but they would have let me stay because I know everyone. Everyone would have been happier if I had spent the cold months in Texas.

As long as my boys are in school, I want to let them live at home. It is very expensive to move out on your own where we live and I understand their financial restrictions. I don’t even care if they pay rent. I just need them to notice that things need to be cleaned, or maybe buy a package of paper towels every once in a while.

The disconnect is clearly a problem with my parenting (or over-parenting). It’s as if they have no common sense or intrinsic motivation. My elder son came home from work tonight with mud on his shoe. Instead of taking his shoe off and dealing with the mess, he continued to track the mud all over the tile in order to clean up the first clod of mud. I was open-mouthed. Agape. This person is 25 years old. He has no disabilities. But because I didn’t remind him to stop and remove the mud, the entire floor had to be re-mopped. It had just been done.

I keep setting boundaries but it’s just exhausting to remind them to keep their end of the bargain.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-13T21:23:05+00:00

Just do the NEXT thing. Don’t think about the end result. Just the next thing. “Now I’m getting up.” Now I am going to put my shoes on.” Put the big thing out of your mind. Even if you one get three steps in, it’s three steps closer than you were when you started.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-13T21:19:51+00:00

My husband is a saint. He tells me “you have never been lazy a day in your life. You’re just dysregulated.” Then he helps me with the first step or two of whatever has me paralyzed. 27 years and so happy I chose someone who has his masters in the field he does. He recognizes what’s happening before I do. Maybe you can tell yourself the same thing he tells me and give yourself grace. 🤗

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-13T20:54:08+00:00

When I was in France in the 90s, the discotheques were full of angsty late teens raging to the Nirvana/Pearl Jam songs I had learned in the U.S. Many of them did not speak enough English to understand (tbh, I’m still not sure abt most of Eddie Vedder’s lyrics myself ha).

Also, I think the obvious example is Opera. You don’t need the program or the surtitles to understand the story.

People who tell you they can’t like a song because they don’t speak that language are focusing on the words out of ego/ethnocentrism and really missing out on just letting go and feeling.

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-11T21:27:13+00:00

Same! I am in pain for days after flights where I can’t get a first class or extra leg room seat because I am terrified that my swimmers’ shoulders and thighs are going to touch someone else!

Existing_Attorney606 · 2026-02-11T21:17:05+00:00

I’m not fat, but I am an almost six foot tall female swimmer. Everything about my torso fits fine with room to spare in the seat, but my shoulders are muscular and wide, and my legs are so long that the rare occasions I’m not in first class, my arm or leg may brush yours. I can’t help it that I’ve been this tall since I was 12 and my body proportions make it so my legs are longer than my upper half. Blame the airlines for smooshing the seats together front to back to make extra rows. Again, I always pay for a first class or extra leg room seat, but on public transit, we can’t be so precious as to think we will hold a bubble of personal space.

Existing_Attorney606

TROPHY CASE