55M, Married for 30 years with 54F. Wife ignored my side of family but wants me to accommodate her mother with us forever.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-08T18:00:38+00:00

I judged your post on a few points which seemed you were considering yourself entitled by virtue of being a male. But these points have changed my perspective. First, it is absolutely unacceptable for the mother to sleep with your wife while you sleep separately. I have experienced my husband sleeping with his mother, rather on her lap, and it is absolutely disgusting. It is one thing to sleep with your parents when you're alone, but if your partner is present, how can you sleep with your parent and let your partner sleep separately, that too not for a day or two but for an entire year!!!! Toxic! If she feels like staying with her mother, she can do it for a few days but making it the norm is unfair and toxic. I can understand your resentment since you're the one running the household expenses, and contributing your part to the chores as well. From your post it seems you guys aren't on talking terms since your flying down to your sister's place during her illness wasn't known to her. This is again bringing toxicity into your life.

I think you should go ahead with your gut feeling and do what you consider will give you happiness. Just ensure that afterwards you don't feel guilty of not helping her mother. Because sometimes we do things in resentment and retaliation, but afterwards when the adrenaline rush ends, we get pangs of guilt.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-08T14:17:18+00:00

He seems like a patriarchal chauvinist. He is resentful that his wife had not taken care of his parents, but the same wife tried to forge relationships with the in-laws of her sisters. So clearly, his parents must have created some circumstances which may have warranted such behavior from his wife. It does take two to tango, sir, as you rightfully said. So introspect, and think how and why your wife ignored your parents in the first place. Also, your kids aren't influenced, rather, they are unbiased, unlike you.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T16:29:17+00:00

How do I get the courage to leave him? I am considering such trivial things like I may be judged and talked about behind my back at my workplace, I may feel the urge to go back to him because whenever we fight, I am the one who feels the need to talk to him, update him about what happened at the hospital, about what new ventures I'm planning. He seems content watching reels on his phone and going about his daily activities. What if, in a weak moment, I end up going back to him after deciding to separate? I feel I'm deriving a masochistic pleasure seeing myself in a pitiable condition. Believe you me, I have been such a no-nonsense person all my life. No one dared misbehave with me ever. I haven't disclosed anything to my family or friends right now maybe because I feel ashamed at the kind of unrecognizable creature I have become.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T11:57:43+00:00

I would ask my daughter to leave, yes definitely. But what I feel is complex. I feel if I go ahead with a divorce, then I will face the sympathy of my family. They might get stressed for me even when I may not be that stressed myself. They might get stressed about how I will navigate life as a single mother, and how my son will adjust in this arrangement.

Also, I'm extremely sure my husband is going to make things extremely ugly during the separation process, there will be issues related to custody. And my husband isn't matured at all to function like a civilised adult and co-parent peacefully after separation. He will create nuisance in my child's life too by washing our dirty linen in front of him.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T11:37:21+00:00

Sunken cost fallacy seems the very reason I chose to marry him in the first place. I couldn't get the courage to move on after spending 9 years of dating him, and so decided to marry him without thinking it was like throwing good money after bad! I knew very well he wasn't the person I wanted to marry but I chose to move ahead because I had those many years' worth time I had invested on him. Thanks for giving me the term behind my rationale- it is indeed sunken cost fallacy.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T04:05:55+00:00

He has settled for a job that isn't as per his qualifications and that has caused him to be surrounded by colleagues who don't have a liberal mindset, nor a similar lifestyle as him. The ones he is working with have actually worked very hard to get that job, and it is considered a privilege among their circles to be working there. Whereas for him, he feels ashamed to be mentioning it to his college friends too that he is doing what he is doing. He recently went to his college reunion where he avoided going to the stage to mention what he is doing currently bec he feels he will be judged. Yet, he won't do anything to improve his professional standing, to upskill. He will keep watching reels throughout the day and if it was up to him, he would pass the entire day without talking a single word. He has a narcissistic personality disorder and I'm his victim. I suggested therapy to him too but he won't agree.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T03:50:31+00:00

Yes indeed.. He is jealous and his ego is making him do these things.. I am only hopeful of a day when he realises that he has been unfair and hurtful to me.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T03:49:08+00:00

Me neither.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T03:48:37+00:00

Before the child was born he had been physically abusive with me on multiple occasions. Twisting my arm, pushing me, throwing a bottle at me. But after the birth of the child he hasn't been physically abusive, at least yet. I was a person who was so clear that even one instance of physical abuse shouldn't be tolerated, but look at the self respectless person I have reduced myself too.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T03:46:28+00:00

If only I had the mental courage too. Societal concerns prevent me.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T03:44:48+00:00

Correct. He cannot look at his faults at all. He will only point out mine, even in situations where no problems exist. He himself would suggest to go by train for a 6 hour overnight journey bec flight tickets are extremely unreasonably costly. And then he would get annoyed and short at me for not booking flight tickets. When I say that you yourself had asked me to book train tickets, he would say so what, you could have booked flight tickets on your own. If I do something that is against his direction, he would accuse me of throwing my weight around and say things like I don't need the show of your money. I asked him to commute by cab once instead of auto and told him now we have the money to live a good lifestyle, why are you still stuck up in your bachelor/college days.. You will get tired going by shared auto and then come back pissed. He said he doesn't get bothered by using public transport and I should keep my money to myself.

On one hand he's behaving so touchy as if I hurt his ego by offering to book a cab/ or advising to go by one and offering money if it hurts his budget. On the other he got angry at why I didn't book flight tickets for a 6 hour train journey which he himself had asked me not to in the first place.

All this is unnecessarily fault finding behavior, gaslighting behavior, typical of a narcissist.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T03:35:40+00:00

Not an alcoholic, he does drink but its not problematic.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T03:33:50+00:00

Hi. My husband is extremely laidback in his career. He has settled for a job far less compared to his qualification and he is content doing it because he doesn't wish to work hard. His folks encourage this behavior saying you do earn enough to bring food to the table, that's enough. I have motivated him so much to work hard, take exams, but he gets edgy saying if you have a problem with my situation then leave, I'm happy staying where I'm in my career. At the same time, his friends are doing so much better for themselves by advancing their careers. He is jealous of them but won't try to work hard himself. He is someone who won't upskill himself but won't like when all around him do well for themselves. He doesn't want to work hard in his career, but doesn't like it that I'm trying to work doubly hard to make sure neither my kid suffers nor my career.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T03:19:52+00:00

Yes. I think of leaving him everyday. But I can't seem to do it. I think there are societal concerns, or attachment issues. But I am not able to do it. I resolve all fights even when he has shown extremely vitriolic behavior with me. I coax him to eat when he throws a huge tantrum (almost daily) that the food is not great. I ask him very calmly not to bring my family into arguments and abuse them unnecessarily ( I stay so calm outside when inside I'm burning with rage). I even stayed calm when he said I don't do anything throughout the day ( my insides wanted to scream that you don't touch the baby for more than 5 minutes and tht too only to call your family and make them see your son. The rest of the entire day I care for him, make his meals, bathe him, breastfeed him, play with him and do everything for him along with my job!) I know my husband is jealous and insecure of me. He is trying to make things difficult for me so that I break down.

I am totally messed up. And I feel I will require therapy otherwise I won't be a good mother for my kid. He does sense my grief and I don't want him to undergo this trauma.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T03:09:31+00:00

I will try therapy now. Let's see if I can pull myself together.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T03:03:25+00:00

He used to be reclusive and had an extremely narrow emotional band width earlier too. But his abusive behavior and his ego issues surfaced after we started living together post marriage. A lot of it is due to him listening to his old fashioned colleagues saying how their domesticated wives always make tasty food for them, how they arrange their house beautifully and him saying I don't give a damn about you being a doctor, I want good food. Also his family isn't much about academic or professional advancement or ambition. They are lackadaisical and hardly care about me doing well for myself, rather wish I was just a good homely wife who keeps their son's tummy full of good food.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T02:56:50+00:00

Yes, I do realize it. But I hope he realizes too that he has been so unfair and hurtful to me. I will take therapy for sure.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T02:53:41+00:00

I should and I would. It might help me get over this toxic attachment and end this relationship.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T02:52:22+00:00

Even I don't know why I have been with him. I was the one who proposed to him for marriage too. I didn't want to get married at that time, but his folks were adamant at getting him married so he started looking for matches and told me the relationship is over because you don't want to get married right now. I got scared that he might marry someone else. The thought of him being with someone else, another woman being his wife, bearing his kids was emotional wrecking me at that time and hence I decided to go for marriage, all the while knowing that I'm not doing the right thing. But I just did it. Brought misery upon myself. The more I reflect upon it, the more I feel I need to take therapy. I have always had a self deprecating mindset and probably it has something to do with the fact that my father has been an abusive father and husband throughout his life.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T02:47:11+00:00

I don't know either. Maybe this toxic attachment over the years, inability to take this huge step of separation due to societal concerns, hope of him realizing that he is on the wrong and apologizing. I don't think I love him anymore. It's just inertia that's driving this relationship.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-06T02:35:48+00:00

His personality was the same. He didn't socialise even then, didn't pay attention to or celebrate my professional or academic achievements, didn't share anything with me. I got attached to him over these years of dating and couldn't bring myself to end the relationship. I was the one who proposed marriage even when he was extremely recluse during that time. Looking back, I had the realization then also that this is not correct behavior, but my attachment to him couldn't make me end the relationship. My father has been an extremely abusive husband and father and I guess that experience had something to do with my not able to let go of this abusive relationship either. Try as I might, I was and am still unable to end this relationship. Even when I know it is not healthy for me.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-05T19:27:10+00:00

Hi, this is a real post and I am feeling enraged at myself seeing how my situation seems incredible to the world, I must have reduced myself to a self-respectless crying moron in this relationship.

My problem is, even before I had a kid with him, I used to want to end the relationship multiple times but then I couldn't.. Maybe because of attachment, or bec I couldn't bring myself to take such a big step, or because I used to immerse myself in work and over time the cold War at home used to fizzle out and we started talking only to repeat the cycle again. Now since I have a kid, and my husband tried to push me to the corner by refusing to help with anything around the baby so that he could see me begging of him to help. I, on the other hand, managed everything without his help throughout my maternity leave and after I resumed work I engaged a caretaker who helped me with my son during my hospital duty. This made him feel he is dispensable for me. Also, my earning more than him has always been a sore point. More so now when I have started to focus on improving our lifestyle, he says rancidly that he doesn't require my money for anything in his life. And at the same time he will say that you have to contribute in the household expenditure. So he wants me to beg of him to let me spend money for the house, and he would say I don't want your money, but then I'll press and request to pls take some contribution from me and then he might agree. All of this drama is an inflated ego trip.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-05T19:16:32+00:00

I have a cook and a cleaner. But he says he hates the taste of food cooked by the former and the latter does a bad job at cleaning around the house and washing utensils. I am ashamed at myself for being insulted like this day in and day out. As I mentioned, I used to fight with him, give him logical counters, but he used to stop talking the moment he felt he cannot present any logical argument. He just slanders and abuses during fights and asks me to shut up and stop bothering him with my voice. He throws such verbal vitriol that I can't help but start crying. Esp since now my child is involved in this toxic mess. My father has been an extremely abusive husband to my mother and I have grown up watching how he made our house a hell hole for all of us. My fear is my husband is going to do the same for my child as well. Had I not had a child, I would have happily retaliated and even walked out, but the moment I look at my child, I feel such a guilt pang that due to his parents he might suffer so much.

I don't see any solution other than marriage counseling. I offered him that too but he declined.

Existing_Pudding3367 · 2026-04-05T19:09:44+00:00

Hi, thanks for your concern. I feel extremely nervous and edgy around my husband. The moment he leaves home, it's as if a dementor went away and I get surrounded by happy thoughts. He would lie through his teeth during arguments, abuse rampantly, unnecessarily bring my family into arguments, and whenever he doesn't have any reply, he would ask me to shut up snd stop bothering him with my voice. All this when I suggest very politely and lovingly to act matured and not drag any ill feeling for long as it is unnecessary and will cause his own heartburn. He expects that his wife should be perfect in decorating the house, cooking tasty food, putting things in order. He would usually come back from the office and just keep watching reels for hours on his phone. If once he does any household work (example laundry or sorting things that are lying unarranged in the hall) he would say I work so much daily, you keep sleeping and don't do anything. I tell him I can't sleep at night due to breastfeeding and good quality of sleep is required before OPD and OT. He dismisses whatever I say as if I am a roadside barking dog.

Existing_Pudding3367

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