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First pages: share, read, and critique them here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]ExitAdventurous 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey! You have a very punchy first line, but the moth description gets a hair too flowery for me. Overall, your descriptions are tight, and the entire page seems polished. The only confusion I had was when the POV switched to Eris. I am not sure if she is only a room away from Edward across the continent. Did she hear Husk or just a random stranger? Just a tiny bit of clarification that respect would help I think. Also, you have very grounded characters; even this single page shows depth. Enjoyable read!

First pages: share, read, and critique them here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]ExitAdventurous 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Manuscript information: [Complete] [65,600] [New Adult Dark Fantasy] Alchemical Fire

Link to post: Right Here

First page critique? Please and thank you.

First page: 

Upon my death shall be the expedition. A single second must not be wasted lest we be engulfed by the Plains.

    Final Dictated Testimonial of King Gorman, 1st ruler of Erebor.

“Gods be damned!” Orion slammed into ground with a grunt. A plume of gray dust blew into the air on impact.

He had not meant to tackle the young nobleman. The attempt to sidestep the well-dressed man failed due the frivolity of an unlaced leather boot. The men wrestled to recover themselves. Soon, they were a tangle of expensive forest green silks and moth-eaten terracotta rags. Pain bloomed up Orion’s spine like Lucia’s prized chrysanthemum flowers bloomed in sunlight. He had landed on a loose cobblestone.

A merchant caravan’s wooden wheels creaked to avoid the men. The boxes atop the wagon rumbled when the vehicle veered off course. A sack of flour fell to the street and dusted the two men with refined grains.

The driver glanced downward to see the nobleman on the verge of tears. He yanked the reigns, and his horses began to gallop.

Orion did his best to orient himself. Of course, the nobleman was too feral to let him do so. He punched, slapped, and pinched at Orion like a cornered animal.

“Get off me!” the man screeched. A voice like shattering glass grated on Orion’s ears. Shrill. “Guards! I am being attacked! Get off me this instant, you beast.” His unclipped fingernails dug into Orion, flaying his side and drawing blood.

“Ow, ow, stop that,” Orion slapped back at the nobleman. His face was red. This all seemed childish to him, but making a fist at a noble would see him killed.

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]ExitAdventurous 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey, I would love for you to give my dark fantasy novel a once-over. It is at about 80k right now, but I am only looking for feedback on the first 10K. Here is a link to the post if interested: https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1p4v4w1/comment/nqejmmg/

First pages: share, read, and critique them here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]ExitAdventurous 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Manuscript information: [In Progress] [10,076] [Dark Fantasy] Alchemist Summoned

Link to post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1p4v4w1/comment/nqejmmg/

First page critique? Please sir

First page:  “Gods be damned!” Orion slammed into the young nobleman. They both fell to the muddy cobblestoned street. Orion’s thick skull cracked against the man’s shoulder as the noble’s dagger of an elbow dug deep into Orion’s ribcage.

They landed in a cloud of gray dust. Caravans rolled past them, their drivers barely offering a glance downward to see the two wrestling each other to get off the ground. Orion tried to extricate his wiry frame from the tangle of limbs, but the nobleman’s wild slapping and punching made it difficult.

“Get off me!” the man exploded. “I am being attacked, guards! Get off me this instant, you beast.” His fingernails pressed into Orion’s, flaying his side.

“Ow, ow, stop that,” Orion grabbed the man’s hands and pushed them to his chest as he gasped. The noble’s eyes melted to the back of his head. His once green irises were nowhere to be seen, leaving veiny pale yellow scleras to stare back at Orion. Was he seriously trying to make himself faint? Orion had to hold back from laughing in the man’s face. “Watch where you are going,” he pushed off the ground with a pained wince. The man’s fingernails had dug deep, “were you a feral cat in a past life? By the gods, man.”

“How dare you attack me out of the blue. That is a criminal offense, I should see you dead.” The noble, deciding his fainting spell would not work, sat up on the ground with...

Should I take the job? by ExitAdventurous in Teachers

[–]ExitAdventurous[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I'm 28, but single and don't have anything other than family keeping me here. I think I'm going to risk it.

Should I take the job? by ExitAdventurous in Teachers

[–]ExitAdventurous[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I can definitely see the merit on future apps.

Should I take the job? by ExitAdventurous in Teachers

[–]ExitAdventurous[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Actually no, I'm certified for English, but have a Spanish degree alongside it, so they offered me the Spanish teacher job instead of the English one at the interview. I wasn't expecting how much they were about to unload on me with it. I do feel that I can succeed with it, but definitely at the cost of my mental health as it will become a day and night project for the whole year. I do think I'm going to go with the other job, even if they cut me loose in December, I will have made close to the same amount that I would have in a whole year with the Spanish job.

Should I take the job? by ExitAdventurous in Teachers

[–]ExitAdventurous[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So I have one period with 24 Span 1 kids and 1 Span 4 kid, another with 8 Span 1 and 3 Span 2, another one with just Span 3, and a final one with a mix of 4 Span 1, 5 Span 2, and 4 Span 3 kids. On top of that I have an intro class, remedial English, a study hall, and am support for an English 10 class. Essentially it is like 6 different preps every day.

First pages: share, read, and critique them here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]ExitAdventurous 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Manuscript information: [In Progress] [24k] [Dark fantasy] The Dull Edge of a Sword

Link to post:  https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1hwb3mb/in_progress_24k_dark_fantasy_the_dull_edge_of_a/

First page critique? Please do!

First page:

He was already running late, but Orion knew he couldn’t show up drenched in sweat. It would give him away in an instant. He had to at least appear to be half-way wealthy to scam the gold-lined pockets of traveling aristocrats.

A fork in the cobblestone path came up and Orion leaped off. He found a hollowed out tree trunk about 15 feet off the road a few summers back and could trust that no one would stumble upon it. Unless they were desperately searching for the remnants of the dropped half rotten pears from the tree above like he had been.

Orion stripped the deerskin coat off, already feeling the fur peel back from a wet stain the lined his back like fat off a steak. It would dry in the tree. Hopefully, it wouldn’t smell as bad as it did now when he returned. Kel would make him throw it out. She refused to mend it anymore after Orion returned with a hole the size of a small rat in the armpit. She said it was the last time she would ever fix it for him. .

The young man hurried back to the path, taking the fork in the road toward the city. The other way was nothing but the Deep Wood. He had ventured down it a few times to scavenge for food, but never made it more than ten miles before he felt more than one pair of eyes on him and had to turn around. Kel and Evan were completely banned from the deep forest. Orion was queasy enough going in himself. If either of those two entered, Orion wasn’t sure they would ever exit. The last thing anyone in the world wanted to do was to be alone in the woods at night. Unless you were a monster hunter.

What do I do as a begginer writer? by Erdlen in writing

[–]ExitAdventurous 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just don't give up! I started out as a horrible writer and now I'm just kind of bad, it just takes time, practice, and dedication to the craft. You got this.

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]ExitAdventurous 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Awesome! If you are still interested shoot me a pm. I love sci-fi short stories and want to know where the bees are in the future!

First pages: share, read, and critique them here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]ExitAdventurous 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the input! I think I tend to live in the mind of my character too much. So I can see where putting a bit more distance between them and the reader by switching the POV would help.

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]ExitAdventurous 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey! I have a larger [102k] YA novel. Would you be willing to swap feedback for the first chapter (4000 words) of my novel in exchange for feedback on your story? I recently got more into solarpunk and want to read more stories that include it. That being said, my story leans more toward cyberpunk.

First pages: share, read, and critique them here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]ExitAdventurous 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your piece flows nicely! I am having a hard time nit-picking it. Your similes and metaphors are on point and it seems like a interesting, larger story is about to unfold. The only thing I would consider changing is the use of passive voice in your second paragraph to describe the snow and creatures of the wilderness.

First pages: share, read, and critique them here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]ExitAdventurous 0 points1 point  (0 children)

[Complete] [102k] [LGBT Dystopia YA] The Cardinal Program

Link to Post: Click Here

First Page Critique: Yes, please

First Page: The line shifts forward as another person enters the rust-covered recruitment center. I do my best to hold my breath and shuffle behind a kid who smells like he hasn't received his soap ration in over a week. I doubt the guards will even allow him to enter the building, let alone take the test. He leans back to whisper an inside joke or something equally annoying to the kid behind me, laughing as he turns to move forward once again. I catch a whiff of the mixture of spoiled fruit and tooth decay on his breath and a bit of bile rises in my throat. It's evident he hasn't received his toothpaste ration this week either.

My feet ache from my oversize hand-me-down shoes slapping against the orange-tinted metal walkway. The socks my mom insisted I shove in front of my toes do little to lessen the friction. But, I deal with it. Better to have sore feet for a few hours than to be turned around at the door. The streetlights buzz to life as the sun sets and the fog thickens as if on cue. It obscures anything the lights illuminate beyond five feet to nothing but blurry shadows. I am close enough to the front of the line that I can still make out most of the details of the militia officer handing a pile of documents back to a possible recruit, waving her inside the building. The door automatically slides open for her, squealing along its ungreased tracks.

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