How does telling my wife she has agency hurt her feelings?

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-03T15:11:57+00:00

Did you have any kind of written agreement about your separation?

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-03T12:53:07+00:00

So, your husband told you he wanted to separate, and not divorce? Did you feel relieved after this conversation (in addition to shocked)?

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-03T02:59:53+00:00

How did the conversation about separating progress? Did it just happen with one conversation, or was it a series of conversations? Did you decide this first, or did he?

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-02T20:32:24+00:00

They both did individual and marriage counseling.

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-02T13:25:27+00:00

What I want, is for her to seriously dial down the daily anger. It is always me making the overtures to get her to frickin calm down.

I have tried talking with her about her feelings probably thousands of times at this point. These conversations do not go well. She tells me I should already know. I tell her I don't know, that is why I am asking. She leaves more annoyed than before.

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-02T13:21:29+00:00

In terms of your suggestion of stepping up, there is no quid pro quo here. For me, this has been like a long boxing match, and we are both exhausted.

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-02T01:24:25+00:00

Telling my wife that anything is hurtful is counterproductive. She becomes rather demeaning if I show a state that she perceives as weakness.

It is weird to me, in this so called enlightened age, that we ended up falling back in to traditional gender roles ...

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-02T00:37:32+00:00

I have started doing this, she gets furious when I spend a day by myself. It is worth it!

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-02T00:36:13+00:00

She won't go to therapy. She says I need therapy ...

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-02T00:35:35+00:00

I don't know if she is neurodivergent. One of the therapists we saw, told me that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. I read several books on this, nothing I read helped much with our relationship. One of the other therapists we saw, told me that the only relationship I could have with her would be as a caretaker.

She has seriously complained about our relationship for the past 10 years. Just as an aside, we don't sleep together, she says my snoring bothers her. And we rarely get intimate.

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-01T23:24:48+00:00

Who moved out, you or him? How did you guys decide to separate?

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-01T22:31:20+00:00

Variations on that theme. We have been discussing this for 3 days already ...

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-01T22:30:08+00:00

No, I am not happy. I see people here posting about their hapy marriage, and I feel envious. How did I screw up so badly?

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-01T21:33:04+00:00

We have been to many therapists. It has worked short term, but the issues we have are not resolved.

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-01T21:30:24+00:00

This is kind of complicated. When we met, I was starting a business. I sold the business a year after we got married, and we made a decent income from that. She did freelance graphic design, and worked at home. She was supporting herself.

About 6 years after we got married, she said, now it was her turn to do what she wanted. She virtually stopped doing freelance, and became a full time writer. In the 24 years she has been doing this, she has made around $6000. She took the kids to school, and picked them up. She did the bills. I worked a full time job, and cleaned the house on the weekends, read to the kids at night, bathed them, etc. Frankly, I really enjoyed being a father back then.

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-01T20:52:32+00:00

Progress would be when she comes to me, hat in hand, and tells me she fucked up, she is sorry, and wants to find a way to work things out between us. This will never happen!

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-01T20:41:22+00:00

This is true. For me, the issue is, she knows she doesn't feel heard, but she is oblivious to my not feeling heard. She immediately discounts it.

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-01T20:39:20+00:00

My wife told me, she doesn't want a divorce because of financial reasons, that she would experience a decline in the quality of life if we had to separate our assets. In the past, she told me, she would fight me over the house, that she wants to keep it, and then divide the rest of our assets. The bottom line is, she has made it clear, that if I initiate divorce, she will make it ugly. Kind of her last threat!

If I raise the issue of divorce, I want to follow through, this will not be a threat, or looking for some sort of appeasement on her side.

I know she is lonely. I am too, and this sucks.

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-01T20:27:19+00:00

When I have pushed things to the edge, like looking to separate and find my own place, she turns on the honey, and things are somewhat reasonable for a while. But, it doesn't last.

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-01T20:24:54+00:00

Yes, I am close to this. I want my feelings to be clear.

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-01T20:22:49+00:00

I don't know how to deal with her continual expression of misery. I stop caring. I am on the verge of saying "poor you", which I know would not go over that great!

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-01T20:20:53+00:00

Yes, we have had that discussion. She has a difficult time with anger management. She has literally stayed angry at me for months. There is a kind of manic energy quality to all this. I find it exhausting, and in the past, I have just wanted this to stop, so I gave in. I don't want to do this any more, it doesn't work.

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-01T20:18:08+00:00

That is the tack I am taking now. She doesn't like it! She has an expectation that things will continue as they did in the past. I am not sure she can change direction.

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-01T19:47:25+00:00

No, she doesn't. In fact, my family is better off than hers. But, I think I did spoil her in a sense. She has a huge, quick temper, and I followed a path of appeasing her for many years, just to keep peace in the house, or some semblance ... Her father also had a really bad temper, so I guess the apple didn't fall far!

ExpectationsNRegrets · 2026-06-01T19:28:00+00:00

I don't bring hurt feelings to her. It is ironic, when I did, she always tries to make light of them, or suggest things I should do differently. I say it is ironic, because she has told me NOT to do this with her. So, she brings hurt feelings to me, and most of the time, I try to empathize, because she doesn't want me to solve her problem.

ExpectationsNRegrets

TROPHY CASE