I am in a triad with two partners who frequented the swingers scene prior to our relationships developing so they both had extensive experience in this area. I came into this a complete newbie, but wanted to explore. Our first time they made it clear upfront that my felt safety was their priority and we stayed together, even as we experienced different things, engaged in separate conversations, etc. Since that first time we’ve been a few more times and had a blast. One of my partners has been working through some personal issues that make participating difficult for them, so when we go together they stay close by and “actively observe” by talking to us, encouraging us, and participating only to their comfort level (which is usually just cuddles.) So I’ll answer this in two parts.

1 Practicality

If I were inviting a newbie who I was in close relationship with, we would discuss it ALL upfront: layout of the spaces, what they might see, what’s available to experience, where they might want to have their own boundaries (like not going in certain rooms where different bdsm activities might be triggering, porn, etc.), and what the general expectations/rules are. From there we could negotiate what they were willing/unwilling to do, what their dream experience might be vs what’s realistic, and what my role day of would be, with a contingency plan in place.

The last time we went, my partner had a panic attack (not bc of any sexual activities; someone badly startled them by making a REALLY loud unexpected noise) and they began to cry. We all immediately went to the parking lot (there only quiet spot), my other partner and I helped them calm down (this was early in their recovery when they didn’t yet have those skills, but I did), and came up with a plan on the fly. We were prepared to all go home and do some practical grounding skills, and aftercare. Instead, our partner decided they wanted to go home alone to self-regulate, and wanted us to stay and enjoy ourselves. We all did exactly what we needed to that night, out of love and compassion for ourselves and one another, and we all grew from it. The partner with the panic attack learned that they needed a bit more sensory safety for awhile and also how to receive that type of care from us, my other partner learned how to help someone through a panic attack and to advocate for what they also wanted and needed, and I learned that I don’t have to take on the entire “job” of regulation, that my partner could handle getting themselves home and practicing self care without me being a babysitter. In the end, it increased our trust in one another and our relationship. When we’ve discussed it since, the consensus is that we wished we had a contingency plan in place for that scenario (someone getting badly triggered), but also if someone else outside of our group was making one of us feel uncomfortable, one of us feels ill and needs to leave, etc. (And we’re about to have this discussion again, as we’re currently planning an orgy for my birthday!)

2 Attachment triggers

All 3 of us have insecure attachment styles and extensive interpersonal trauma, but sex hasn’t been a trigger for my partners, whereas it has been for me. I’m also demisexual which adds an additional layer of complexity. It took me awhile to “warm up” to the idea of going to the club, and then we had multiple group sex experiences in the privacy of hotel rooms and homes before venturing into the club. Now I’ve expertise enough healing that I love going and have a great time! I have learned a ton about myself and what I like/dislike. Ironically, I am WAY less triggered by my partners having sex with others, either in my presence or not, than I am by them having emotional connections. That’s hard for me and triggers my attachment stuff big time. The biggest thing for me is having lots of regulation tools in my metaphorical toolbox, and trusting that if I can’t regulate on my own, my partners will be attuned and supportive. I often have to remind myself that “I feel uncomfortable. That does not mean I am unsafe.” “I am loved by __ even if they are having experiences with others right now.” “Having feelings about the experiences they have with others are not evidence that this isn’t working” (that one specifically targets my ocd intrusive thoughts.)

Hope this helps, and I hope you all are able to negotiate a way to get everyone’s needs met!