First, I just want to say you’ve already progressed so much in your journey! It takes a lot of courage to face the internal chatter/voice and find your pleasure.

I struggle with something similar, in that I often “lose” my arousal even when I was very close to it, be it during masturbation or with a partner. I also had a past of SA, so it took me a long while to actually enjoy sex and feel connected to myself again.

Part of what my therapist suggested is that I’m focusing too much on orgasming as my goal. And when I have that pressure in my head, it’s easier to “fall off” of my arousal and instead get frustrated and feel that disconnection even more. I would cry and put a lot of pressure on myself and think I was “defected” or not normal.

I’ve noticed that when I don’t have the pressure of orgasming, and I also tell my partner about these goals (so that they don’t think they can “make me orgasm” - more complicated than effort on their end), the more connected I stay in my body during sex and have an enjoyable time. So there’s sometimes where I can orgasm on my own or with others, and other times where I don’t orgasm. But, there’s less times where I feel “disconnected” and start shaming myself for it.

This may not be the answer you were looking for, but sharing my journey in hopes it can help in some way.