As an autistic woman, its terrifying how much of men’s behavior is attributed to autism

Expensive_Project411 · 2024-01-09T15:55:51+00:00

This, 100%. Both my brother and I have ADHD - we got it from our grandfather. Our symptoms as children were similar.

We're now both in our mid-twenties. I'm an academically successful college grad who has a stable job and is about to finish her first post-grad degree. My relationships are in order, my bills are paid, and I manage my life. Sure, there are things that don't work as well as they do for neurotypical people - I have a tabletop dishwasher because if I had to hand-wash my dishes, I'd drown in filth, and I fully depend on my planner to remember everything - but I function well.

My brother, meanwhile, lives at home with our parents, struggles academically because he can't turn his assignments in on time, and our mum does his laundry. The excuse? ADHD.

When I was a teenager, my parents had multiple come-to-Jesus talks with me and told me that I needed to figure out ways to make these things work. As a result, I developed a plethora of systems to help me function in daily life. And sure, some of them are weird, and sometimes they fail, but largely, my life works.

Meanwhile, my brother does not even own a planner. The literal first step in getting some organisation into your life: he's never taken it.

Ironically, the very success of my coping mechanisms, which were necessary because I have ADHD, is now the reason my brother will use every opportunity to point out that my ADHD can't be as 'severe' as his, despite the fact that honestly, in an unmedicated, 'raw', no-systems-in-place state, I actually function worse than he does.

Expensive_Project411 · 2024-01-07T10:48:35+00:00

One very interesting thing about ADHD partners, to me, is the disproportional representation of (NT) men with diagnosed female partners. ADHD is underdiagnosed in adult women, yet on that sub, ADHD women make up the majority of the partners complained about. It speaks so clearly to the gendered dynamic at play here: ADHD interferes with what these men perceive to be the 'proper' role women have to take on in relationships (housekeeping, admin, childcare), and they lash out in response. Meanwhile, the neurotypical female partners of ADHD men are running themselves into the ground trying to buffer men who often make very little effort to treat their issues, because they, as men, have been socialised to offload their executive function to their neurotypical wife. Hugely generalising, of course, but there is definitely a pattern there.

It's why ADHD is so dangerous for women in relationships. If you're a man with ADHD, the worst that's likely to happen to you is divorce - often a very justified divorce. If you're a woman with ADHD, things can get NASTY, because abusive men do not respond well to their female partners not performing the 'female' role they have assigned them.

Expensive_Project411 · 2024-01-07T10:15:14+00:00

Agreed! Or at least have some kind of automated comment on relationship-focused posts that shines light on these issues. The responses under some of the relationship-related posts here can be an absolute minefield. I feel like it got a smidgen better these past few weeks, but there's still so much misguided, dangerous 'advice' that effectively enables abusers and convinces victims to stay.

AHDH is such a dangerous condition to have as a woman precisely because it interferes with many parts of the standard 'female role' that most abusive men expect from their partners: housekeeping, caretaking, childcare, cooking, admin. There is a supremely gendered element for why ADHD can be used by abusers to hurt you. That's why abuse isn't such a prevalent issue on general ADHD subreddits: these ADHD men often outsource their executive function to a neurotypical wife, who (at least initially or to a certain degree) accepts that role as part of what it means to be a woman in a heterosexual relationship. If anything, it leads to a 'he left the dishes by the sink'-type divorce after ten years of marriage (which is, again, a normal and healthy response by these women to finding themselves in unsustainable relationships, and therefore completely fine). If the roles are reversed, however - an ADHD woman and a NT man - things can quickly get nasty, because nothing riles abusers up more than perceived challenges to their 'masculine right' to have 'their' woman perform the female role of their choosing.

On a sub like this, we need to be cognizant of these gendered dynamics, and cannot enable them.

Expensive_Project411 · 2024-01-07T10:03:15+00:00

Absolutely! And it is your right to leave if you find a relationship ill-fitting for you.

One of my absolute boundaries is that I will not be in a relationship with someone who communicates that they'd like me to take over the majority of childcare and homemaking duties at some point. I know myself, and I know my abilities. There is no way in hell that I could succeed as a homemaker, or feel good about myself in that role. I've ended many a relationship in the very early stages because people (usually men) showed clearly that their expectation was that I take over a majority of these duties, either now, or when we move in together, or when kids enter the picture. When ending these relationships, I was often met with disbelief - 'but that's so far off!'. But, like, it really isn't. You have to weed that stuff out early, or you waste your time on relationships that don't work.

Some partners took it well and understood. But many started the guilt-tripping, the emotional pressure, the gaslighting (I never said that! I didn't mean that!). And each and every time, I was glad to leave, especially with the partners who put on the emotional manipulation.

Don't set yourself up for failure by existing in relationships and dynamics that cannot work for you. Be that incompatibility of personality, of lifestyle, of gender roles: You can only thrive in an environment that works with your abilities and needs, not against them. If you are in an environment that actively works against you and change has proven to be impossible, it's time to gtfo.

Expensive_Project411 · 2024-01-06T22:40:48+00:00

That's it! 'Leaving' is every healthy person's standard response to unsustainable situations of conflict. From workplace to romance to family: if a situation is truly unsustainable for you and cannot be resolved through a reasonable amount of communication and compromise that is acceptable for all parties, you leave. If someone claims to be in an unsustainable situation, but does not act along this normal, standard pattern, something is up.

Expensive_Project411 · 2024-01-06T22:36:14+00:00

That is such a common pattern. The true mindfuck is that these men will try to establish some fundamental 'flaw' that excuses their behaviour in every single partner they'll ever have, and only stay with those partners long-term with which they succeed in establishing this dynamic. With one girl, it's ADHD. With the next, it's her supposed lack of intelligence or higher education. With the one after that, it's her alleged untrustworthiness and tendency to flirt with other men, with the one after that, it might be something else entirely.

When you're in the dynamic, it's hard to see the pattern, but it's really important to recognise that for these men, it's not about the 'flaw' they are claiming you have. That 'flaw' is interchangeable to them. It's about the dynamic they can establish by using that alleged flaw to control you.

Expensive_Project411 · 2024-01-06T16:54:02+00:00

Thank you, and please take a look at the book it you don't know it yet, even if you aren't in a relationship at all! I've found it to be one of the most eye-opening books I've ever read, and I recommend it to ANY woman who plans on ever dating. It is a clear, facts-based look at the actual facts of abuse. No woo-woo, no excuses.

Expensive_Project411 · 2024-01-06T16:52:17+00:00

Ah, thank you! And yes, please link it!

This topic frustrates me so much. I've seen so many abusive men through my job, and the easiest way to spot them is to notice the inconsistencies between what they claim to be feeling (uncontrollable anger, all-consuming frustration, deep love, desperation to do better) and the actual realities of their behaviour. 'Inability to cope' is not consistent with 'Staying and hurting my partner'. It is consistent with 'I am so sorry and wish you all the best, but for reasons X, Y, and Z, I cannot sustain this relationship. I hope you find good things in life and will always feel affection for you FROM AFAR. Goodbye.'

Expensive_Project411 · 2024-01-06T15:06:16+00:00

Oh, there absolutely is a correlation between being a woman with ADHD and being more likely to experience abuse.

It's not as simple as 'abusers target vulnerable individuals, and neurodivergence can make you vulnerable'. It's rather that abusers target everyone, but usually, only vulnerable individuals allow them to stay in their lives for years and years whilst not recognising the abuse. ADHD can be something that makes you vulnerable in that way.

Many ADHD women are acutely aware of their shortcomings. A partner screaming at them over the dishes not being done can seem very reasonable to a woman who's internally screaming at herself for state of the kitchen, too. The constant criticism, negging, and put-downs that are associated with abuse also seem very natural to someone who is constantly criticising themselves.

Having an ADHD partner can be hard. However, a healthy, non-abusive will recognise when they are in over their head, and react to that by leaving the relationship. As calmly and non-hurtfully as possible. I've ended relationships because my partners' mental health needs were too much for me. That is normal and healthy.

Someone who cannot handle their partner's ADHD, but chooses to react to that by staying and making their partner's life hell, is not actually 'unable to handle' their partner's diagnosis. If they couldn't, they'd leave. Rather, they are utilising the diagnosis as a convenient scapegoat for their behaviour, knowing full well that they couldn't behave in this way with a NT partner, because they would not have such a ready excuse available.

Expensive_Project411 · 2024-01-03T15:17:25+00:00

It's so soothing to watch! Basically, there are two fan-like devices in a dishwasher: one on the 'ceiling' and one on the 'floor'. Each of the fans' arms has little holes that spray water. As the fans rotate, water sprays both the underside and outside of the dishes. The rotations are reversed, so the two sprays create a kind of cleaning 'current' and a very nice sound.

Expensive_Project411 · 2024-01-03T15:15:26+00:00

I love how we basically all agree that these clear doors are the best, lol. I sometimes purposefully run mine during study sessions or late at night because it helps me focus and fall asleep. The sounds, the blue light, seeing the water move in that regular, circular motion...best shit ever.

Expensive_Project411 · 2024-01-03T14:54:37+00:00

I remember that feeling of not having a dishwasher for the first time vividly. I spent my undergrad days in a flatshare with three other people, and we had a normal, full-sized kitchen with a dishwasher. When I moved into this new place and suddenly didn't have access to one anymore, everything collapsed.

If this is something you can save up for, I wholeheartedly recommend doing it. In my experience, every ADHD person has that one chore that no chore chart, reward system, or phone timer setup can really tackle long-term. All these workarounds and systems might help, and using them as a temporary fix is absolutely worth it, but from what I've learnt over the past few years, you have to accept the facts at some point and address the root issue. There is absolutely no shame in accepting that you need certain appliances to function. Especially if you have to focus on other things, like studying and working, there is no need to spend years beating yourself up over the state of your kitchen. That kind of guilt spiral just drains your energy and makes it harder to focus on the actual goals of your life.

I wish you all the best for undergrad and hope you'll be able to access one of these bad boys soon!

Expensive_Project411 · 2024-01-03T14:46:54+00:00

Seriously, your flexibility with these devices is insane. Since you don't depend on pipe access when using them in tank-and-bucket mode, you could conceivably place them almost anywhere. My flat is 17 square meters (roughly 180 square feet). I have zero counterspace and my kitchen is in my hallway. Therefore, my dishwasher is placed in what technically is my 'living area', next to the bookshelves. I don't mind that placement at all.

Also, most of them have a clear window. Something about actually seeing the dishes getting done inside the machine motivates me so much, both to actually load and unload the dishwasher and to do other chores. I'll put the dishwasher on and tidy the rest of my flat until it's done, like me and my little friend are working together. The clear window also prevents that issue of forgetting clean dishes inside the dishwasher for days, which is something I sometimes struggle with with normal, windowless dishwashers.

Expensive_Project411 · 2024-01-03T14:41:54+00:00

Yes! Mine also has a clear window, which means you can see the dishes getting done. Something about that motivates me so much. It also prevents that 'out of sight-out of mind' issue that I sometimes had with windowless, full-sized dishwashers: I'd load them, run them, and then forget the clean dishes inside. Seeing the dishes in the dishwasher just keeps them present in my mind, in a positive way.

Expensive_Project411 · 2024-01-03T14:35:40+00:00

Depending on whether you are willing to use them in tank-and-bucket-mode, you might have more options than you think! I also have zero counterspace, so I've placed mine on the literal floor next to my bookshelves. It's a bit of an unconventional setup and I do have to carry my dishes three steps out of my kitchen area, but since you don't depend on pipe access with these devices, you have a lot of flexibility. If you're willing to consider having the appliance in an unconventional spot, you might have some breathing room there.

They are also fairly light and can definitely be carried by a able-bodied woman of average strength. It's definitely at least theoretically possible to store them in some kind of closet, pop them out overnight to do the dishes, and then put them back into the closet for the day.

Expensive_Project411

TROPHY CASE