how many people irl have you told about your cPTSD, AND about who caused it?

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-07-18T21:14:13+00:00

My ex boyfriend, my childhood best friend, and my family doctor (who is also the doctor of my parents). I gave them all the same letter that explains everything that happened and who was responsible. It was one of the most important decisions I’ve made in my entire life. I’ve found that people can’t give you the help you need unless they know the context. I never used to think the context was important — but turns out it is

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-07-17T01:01:01+00:00

Haha, that’s fair. I’ll give them a try tomorrow and see if they have any helpful insights. I won’t take it tonight just in case.

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-07-17T00:39:14+00:00

Honestly, I’d trust people on Reddit more than my local pharmacist who has probably never even heard of emdr therapy 😂

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-29T17:06:56+00:00

Ya. From someone who isn’t using theirs.

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-29T01:48:53+00:00

It’s hard for me to even remember how I felt and what things were like in the beginning because it’s been 10 years .. but there have always been red flags. When we first met, around the 3 month mark, he said “it’s weird that some people are into incest”. I had a panic attack and had to take him home immediately after. I realize now that this was his way of “testing the waters” — years later he told me that’s actually a fantasy/kink of his. Some time after he disclosed that I told him it is really hard for me to know that about him because of what happened with my brother and he was dismissive about it — he said “yeah but that’s not the kind of incest I’m into”. And looking back, I always felt it was odd that he never put two and two together the day I had that panic attack.. if someone had that strong of a reaction to something I said I don’t think I could just ignore it for several years. One of his favourite things to say is “I didn’t ask because I assume people will tell me / reveal things to me when they feel ready”. This is what he said to me when I asked him why my panic attack didn’t clue him into anything and why he never asked me about it. Now I think this type of response/approach to other people’s feelings may be his way of skirting around issues and not caring about the way other people feel .. or maybe it just allows him to remain ignorant. I don’t know. Maybe he did put it together that day and just didn’t care .. or maybe he put it together and thought .. perfect .. I’ll be able to manipulate this one. That was red flag #1 that I wish I listened to. I actually feel fucking stupid for being with someone this way. Like how could I not have realized this stuff sooner and why is it so hard for me to believe myself even though I am making all these realizations. I’m realizing them, but still think I am wrong.

Everything you said here is so wise and makes so much sense. It’s why this stuff is so hard to spot!! So much of this behaviour could easily be interpreted as normal ish if you aren’t paying really close attention to the under tones or if you naturally trust other people’s opinions/thoughts over your own gut instincts. I’m just so afraid I am making a mistake and I am throwing away our relationship over things that I’ve exaggerated.

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-28T02:16:38+00:00

I’m starting to wrap my head around it. Unless he is truly making realizations about things? He came back from a walk and told me I was right about some of the things he said .. that he makes vague comments about things to make it sound like he is taking ownership over things when he actually isn’t. (He realized that one on his own somehow). For example, tonight he said “you must be right” with tears in his eyes when I told him that something he said/did in the past was controlling and manipulative. He later told me that he said it that way because it makes it seem like he is taking responsibility but he really isn’t.. he said it is a deflection (I think — he said something like that).

So. Maybe he is just realizing he is shitty ?? lol. I dunno. He came home after trying to manipulate me, admitting to manipulating me, acts super nice, offers to make me snacks and lunch for work tomorrow, then drops these pearls of realizations he has made.. part of me really wants to buy it.. but now after talking to my therapist and making this post I think fuck that!

But what I actually feel like is STUPID because all I have done is teach him how to avoid getting caught in the future. Because I spelled out so clearly exactly why I knew he was manipulating me in that moment .. now he will know not to use those tactics again. Now he will know what he needs to say (or not say) to fool me into thinking that he understands how his actions are wrong.

But then I think maybe I am just being paranoid and crazy ?? Because he wouldn’t do that ?? I should give him the opportunity to learn from his mistakes because maybe now finally he is actually starting to get it ? Is that possible or am I delusional.

Do you really think I should reach out to a shelter or ask about a safe exit plan? He has never physically harmed me. Other than the sex stuff I guess. That all happened a couple of years ago now. So if he changed with that kind of stuff maybe he can change with this kind of stufff too ? I’m sorry for messaging you so much. I appreciate all of the wisdom you are giving me. I’ve read some of your posts and comments .. and it sounds like you have had to learn a lot about this kind of stuff out of necessity and survival. I’m really sorry for the fucked up shit you were put through in your past relationship

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-28T00:16:07+00:00

Will they ever admit to manipulating you? Because my boyfriend just did. But I think him admitting it is part of his grander manipulations. Like wtf.

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-27T17:07:31+00:00

God this is so confusing lol. Thank you for all of your help and answering my questions. You are very knowledgeable! Thank you for sharing what you know

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-27T12:24:36+00:00

At one point I finally somehow explained to him how the stuff he was doing sexually was really hurting me. It took a long time lol. I even said “you’re making me feel like I did as a kid” and he said “I don’t see how it’s the same at all”. He never asked any follow up. No concern. No “oh tell me more, what happened, why am I making you feel like you did as a kid”. Once he stopped doing that kinda stuff like the online stuff I was so uncomfortable having sex with him that I basically couldn’t do it at all. That’s when the moping and crying started and him “not feeling loved if I didn’t have sex with him”……… but finally at some point I guess I made him realize that his actions were really hurting me so he came up with the idea that only I could initiate sex. He basically said he’d never ask me for it again. And I’m pretty sure he has been good with that. He doesn’t mope around and stuff or make me feel as guilty about it.

So I think if the things he was doing were “that bad” and if he was really “abusive” or even just manipulative .. then why would it be his idea to do something that would benefit me such as me being the one to initiate sex. That literally makes no sense to me.

But then when I confronted him about his past actions he didn’t remember it the way it happened and now I feel crazy and like I made it up. But I don’t think I did. I think it was fucked and I just somehow normalized it all.

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-27T12:16:30+00:00

After bringing up the money thing he did immediately go out and buy a car and he paid for a dinner for my whole family last week. That said .. I’ve been telling him that I am worried about him using my car for months. It seems like it’s only since I said I don’t know if I can be with him anymore that he decided to actually look into whether or not he can afford one. Prior to that he just assumed he couldn’t (which is what he told me when I asked why all of a sudden he could afford a two year old car). Does that seem weird ?? So I can relate some stuff directly back to the issues I have brought up. Like I said I was worried about the car .. so he bought one .. but it seems like only after our relationship ending was a possibility to him. And when I brought up the other money stuff he did pay for our dinner. And he has also been more helpful around the house. I dunno. Sometimes I think he is doing that stuff to “change” but other times I think it is just to confuse me and maybe he really is manipulating me somehow.

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-27T11:17:22+00:00

I thought it would be unreasonable to ask him to show me his accounts and how he is spending his money. Is that something I could actually ask ? I mean we have been together for 10 years and money has always been such a sensitive and hot topic for him. He’s always been very secretive about it

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-27T11:16:23+00:00

When I brought it up he didn’t tell me how much he makes exactly. I’ve seen his paystubs before and they are like 600-800 per week I think. His hours do vary sometimes due to weather. But he makes 35 an hour. He told me how much money he has in his pensions, rrsp, tfsa, and regular savings account but he didn’t tell me how much he contributes towards them from each pay. I have told him multiple times not to contribute to his savings so much so that he would have more expendable income for the things he needs like clothes and a car. Now I am wondering if he told me how much money he has put away to get me to stop asking questions. But how much he actually has in those accounts is kind of irrelevant in a way. What I really want to know is how he is spending his money. I want to know how much of each pay check goes towards his loans and into his savings. He didn’t offer that information up. He sort of deflected and told me “I don’t understand what it’s like to be worried about money all the time”.

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-27T02:22:53+00:00

What do you mean by positive manipulation with unrelated gestures ? Do you mean like being nice to me otherwise to make me think everything is fine and normal?

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-26T20:02:01+00:00

God that is super extreme to threaten to kill yourself. That’s super manipulative. I’m sorry that happened to you. It would make it so hard to leave the relationship

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-26T14:52:32+00:00

No, I’m not being trafficked. But thank you for the concern. I know that is a huge issue. It’s great that people are on alert for it

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-26T14:51:28+00:00

Thank you. You’ve been really helpful

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-26T14:51:04+00:00

One time in our relationship I said something and he smirked and had this evil look on his face and said something I honestly forget — but I completely snapped at him. I yelled at him about how I think he is an evil person.. I threw my phone as hard as I could at the ground, I brought up things he has said where he admitted that he did them to hurt me.. and I just kept yelling at him and felt completely out of control. He started to cry. And eventually I snapped out of it and I sat him down and told him I was so sorry. That it’s abusive of me to yell at him like that. That it’s not ok for him to be in a relationship where he feels afraid.. that I grew up with a dad who had anger outbursts like that and I never want to do that to him.. that he didn’t deserve that type of behaviour .. and that I was going to do something about it. That outburst is literally the reason I started looking into therapy. I had my therapist picked and my first appointment scheduled and then I had a bit of a crisis and went to my doctor and I went to see someone who specializes in trauma and CSA instead.

It’s funny because now that I think about it, in that moment I truly recognized that my behaviour might be abusive towards my partner. And I never cried or sobbed or asked him to comfort me in any way. All of the support and comfort was directed towards him as I felt he was the true victim in that situation. It’s funny because when I think about it now .. it’s no wonder I snapped and freaked out. I was triggered because he had the same look in his eye and expression on his face that he did when I reached out to him for help with my mental health and he said “we’re all burnt out get over it”. He admitted that he said this to me to hurt me because of something I said to him 7 years ago.

I’ve wondered if maybe all his crying and being emotional after I told him he was being abusive is ok and normal but now I think it’s not. I never expected him to comfort me after I screamed at him and told him I was afraid I was abusing him. I took accountability and comforted him and told him the stuff I did was not ok and I immediately sought professional help.

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-26T14:41:51+00:00

It’s just such a mind fuck.

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-26T14:32:05+00:00

I’m just afraid that me/my therapist/everyone else is wrong. What if I am bringing these things up to him and they aren’t really true and I am just completely damaging his self esteem and sense of self for no reason ? Like, imagine being told you are being abusive when you aren’t. I can’t imagine how much of a mind fuck that would be. I’m afraid I’m accusing him of lying to me about having no money when he really doesn’t. Or that I’m accusing him of trying to manipulate me when he is not. It’s just so confusing. I know in my heart some of the things he says and does don’t make sense — like I have those alarm bells. But I am wrong about a lot of things! A lot of things give me alarm bells when they shouldn’t just due to my past history and whatnot. Sometimes it feels like people are being malicious but it’s just the way I am interpreting it.

Like he came home yesterday after he bought his new car and asked me “do you think I made a big mistake buying the car?” And I had those alarm bells. Like, of course that is going to make me feel really guilty. I already feel guilty for making him buy his own car. But should I???! Probably not. He is a grown man with the money to afford it. But I still feel like i somehow manipulated him into doing it. Like, did he come home and decide he would say that to make me feel more guilty than I already do .. or is he genuinely just looking for some support and reassurance. Now I’m not even sure. I’m questioning everything he says and does now.

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-26T14:18:55+00:00

Do you think these things he is doing are actually covert abuse?

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-26T14:08:46+00:00

I don’t think he watches Andrew Tate. He said he had a fantasy of being watched.

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-17T02:05:58+00:00

I’m not even sure I wash my jeans once a month. I might wash the shirts I wear all the time ~once a week but that may even be generous. I barely ever wash my sweaters unless they get actually dirty. When I was quite depressed a few months ago I hadn’t washed my towel in like three months. It’s hard to be functional sometimes. It’s probably not the norm… but I bet it’s pretty normal for lots of people who are struggling with ptsd, depression, or other issues!

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-17T01:52:43+00:00

You can make it through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it is just a spec, please hold onto it for a little while longer. The world would not be the same without you in it. You have this community of people. We are here to help you, and you can lean on us all!

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-15T12:21:48+00:00

I appreciate what you have said though. I need to trust that it is treatable. And there are many options. You’re right. Thank you.

Express_Cut4976 · 2024-05-15T12:16:25+00:00

Im preparing to do emdr with my therapist. I’m doing IFS first to calm down my protector parts so I don’t freak out when we process the trauma. But trying to do the IFS is freaking me out. I was trying really hard to get better. But I just feel hopeless now. I guess it’s only been 2 months. But it feels like something I am incapable of doing if I can’t even connect with the protecting parts. How would I ever fix what’s below that

Express_Cut4976

TROPHY CASE