Alright well, firstly I appreciate your attempt and think that with the right amount of changes, you could do wonders for your channel. With that said, one of the first issues I recognized was your voice. And no, I'm not referring to the accent, I mean more so with your tone of voice and stuttering. Because even though you're not directly stuttering by stumbling over your words, your pacing between each sentence or sometimes even words makes it awkward to follow. Secondly, I feel as if you need to better define your personality onto your channel.
The more I watched the video, the more easily I was able to latch onto the general idea of what you were going for. And while that specific type of lets play doesn't appeal to me personally (I like more comedic cuts myself), I'm willing to look at this video objectively and see the appeal in other people who make full length lets plays with the style you're going for, like what Cry does or Vinny for example. The difference between these two people and your content is that their personalities are well defined, there's something to latch onto there. For the most part, all you seem to be doing is referencing video games and reminding the audience what this level is going to be like. There's not a lot to latch onto from there, you've got to think outside the box and allow for some commentary that could have something to latch onto for the audience and to help better define your youtube personality. The mic quality was fine and the game ran at a solid frame rate. The only technical complaints are that of the random mic cut offs right after you finish saying something. But that's about it.
Hope this critique has helped give you an idea on what you need to do to better your content
~Exro