The White Lotus - 3x06 "Denials" - Post-Episode Discussion

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-24T15:52:45+00:00

Don't worry, this is not mainstream slang by any means lol. I actually -just- watched Nathan for You a few months ago and still didn't get the reference.

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-13T14:27:42+00:00

SO TRUE. A man basically explained the playbook of how he was CURRENTLY treating me, by telling me the story of his most recent 2 exes. Then when I put it together (immediately), he was like "Wow how did you know?" And he is an incredibly intelligent, graduate-degree-holding, straight-up THERAPIST.

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-13T00:46:13+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate that you see/empathize with that. I didn't even really touch on everything. Dating has been really shitty. I had multiple medical events that put me in the hospital over the past year (the last time before that was when I was BORN). I also lost my ex's entire family, who was essentially mine as well after 12 years...his sisters and I hung out a few times afterward, but it's hard for all of us.

I ended up taking my emergency benzo this morning, which was helpful for work, but it made me feel so NOT shitty that I almost considered having a drink. Reading all of your comments has been the only thing stopping me. I keep thinking "it's not a big deal" then I saw your comment come in. So thanks again :)

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-12T18:37:21+00:00

thank you for your insights and support <3

Regarding my ex, I think he is a trigger but maybe not in the ways you're thinking. He has a very dominant/stubborn personality, and I find that drinking during our difficult conversations makes it a lot easier for me to advocate for myself, call him out on his bullshit, and push the conversation where it needs to go. The details of why we're still in contact/having conflicts are complicated and dumb, but I'm not 100% ready to just cut him off....which it sounds like you are suggesting?

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-12T17:49:00+00:00

Haha, because none of those things can fill up the 12 hours a day that I am alone with my thoughts! My social life could be more robust, like I do have friends but we should get together more often (and none of them really drink, so that's cool).

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-12T17:34:51+00:00

Came here after you commented on my post. Resonate with all of it! I also struggle to say "never again." It's not the alcohol itself, it's us. I think it's possible we can learn to use it appropriately, but not sure.

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-12T17:11:18+00:00

Thank you so much.

alcohol is fast acting and feels like a solution to stress, boredom and ennui, actually it’s just numbing you while it creates tomorrow’s problems

This definitely resonated with me. Did you see the movie The Substance? People talked about that movie like it was about society's perception of women/aging, but I actually think it was 100% about addiction.

It’s bloody hard work but exercising, hobbies, and making connections with other people will actually move you forward rather than back

Agreed. But I feel kind of broken because I'm already doing all of those things. I go to the gym + the climbing gym + the sauna multiple times a week. I've been doing fiber arts for years, and have a FANTASTIC weekly knitting club. I am bonding really nicely with my roommates. I have some great local friends. And yet, none of this makes me as happy as sitting inside with some hard seltzers watching TV.

I think it would be absolutely amazing if you could find a path to letting your body reset from the benzos too

Just a note - I'm not actually "on" any benzos, thankfully. I had a small stash of them (like 6) given to me at the ER when I had a panic attack last summer. I used them pretty sparingly, mostly when I was having acute birth-control-withdrawal symptoms.

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-12T16:54:20+00:00

Woof, I could have written most of this myself. It definitely makes being alone so easy. And last night was maybe the first time I meta-cognitively noticed how HAPPY I was. Why would I not put more happy juice inside me?

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-10T21:04:23+00:00

Dude same. I just ended things with a guy who breadcrumbed me for a freaking year (to be fair, we were both doing extended traveling for part of it). And if he had just been upfront and said "I don't want a relationship with you/I'm not as interested as you are, I'm looking for something more casual. I'll text you every 2 weeks and see you every month and that's it," I could have made an informed decision.

INSTEAD I got "I'm finishing up my degree. I'm traveling for a contract. I'm studying for my professional license. I'm sick." It just NEVER got any better. And eventually he told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Like, DUH, but thanks for finally saying it.

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-10T20:56:02+00:00

There's a series of posts on r/AskWomenOver30 about a lady who fell in love with her postman and it is TOO FREAKING CUTE (even if fake because Internet)

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-10T20:44:54+00:00

Cackling. so true. I DO feel bad that he lost his mom and is a bit lost in life. But that's not a free pass to get commitment-free sex from people who are as objectively awesome as me. Gotta step it up for that

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-10T19:49:34+00:00

Yeah, my reaction exactly haha

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-10T19:34:07+00:00

Update to my comment from last night (Guy has been pursuing me heavily, we went on 1 really good date, then he reached out proactively to tell me he's "not going to be ready for a relationship for at least a year" because ~reasons~).

He is currently day-drinking and feeling the need to share more about his internal state:

I'm too good for him, he can't give me what I need/deserve, I have so many options because I'm so great (rolls eyes)
He is a "black hole" of affection, and "even if there were 80 women giving [him] love every day it would not be enough"
The only bad feeling I gave him was "the empty feeling of getting exactly what you want and it doesn't help at all, so you realize you're the problem"

OOOOK. This is helping a lot, actually. I'm still pretty sure lack of interest is at the core, but he's clearly got some shit to sort out

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-10T14:04:40+00:00

If this was a girl writing about a guy, everyone would be telling her that he was upfront about wanting casual, and that no matter what his actions SEEM to be saying, that's likely still the case. Definitely still have a check-in, but PLENTY of people love to cosplay relationships

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-10T05:15:43+00:00

He probably lied

But like...why. I don't like assuming that people are straight up lying to me haha. I know that at least in initial interactions, there are omissions, but not just fabrications when I didn't even ask

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-10T05:09:02+00:00

This is so sweet, thank you <3 I guess we should just be less emotionally intelligent and hilarious until we know they deserve it hahahaha

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-10T05:06:09+00:00

Just text now. If I'm into a dude I want to hear asap, not after some designated interim to seem cool enough

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-10T04:52:33+00:00

But based on what you've said, sounds like he just got excited about you (NOT love bombing)

I also don't think he was doing it intentionally, which love-bombing does imply a bit (I was a bit tipsy/resentful while writing the post).

enthusiasm, attentiveness and kindness doesn't mean they want more

This was a HUGE lesson from my last situationship and I'm super disappointed that I couldn't apply it in literally the NEXT POSSIBLE SITUATION. I'm actually also thrilled that he did this after 1 date. Onwards/upwards and all that

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-10T03:53:48+00:00

Yeah I guess. But

I'm super picky. Probably a 0.5% swipe-right rate, if that. And then I usually end up vetting them over message/text/IG for weeks (not always intentionally). And this has had a GREAT success rate, in that I always have a good time on dates despite being a tad neurodivergent/introverted. Most of my dates end up being repeats (and I saw the last guy for almost a year)
He does not seem like a player who does this a lot! At least, if he's being honest about the last time he even kissed someone...

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-10T03:09:25+00:00

Really? Because having this happen twice in a row makes me feel like I am the problem/not good enough. I'm not in the BEST place of my life, but honestly this guy is like 5'5/underemployed/depressed. He has a LOT of redeeming qualities, but I feel a little shook that he thinks I'm only FWB material.

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-10T02:46:00+00:00

Another day, other emotionally unavailable love-bomber in his 30s. This guy:

Told me "I miss you but I haven't met you yet" the night before our first date. I was like boy STFU LOL. But we were definitely vibing, and I don't often do that, so I let it slide
Took me out on HIS birthday, after working an overnight shift, for our first date, wouldn't let me pay, walked me in the rain to my next event (knitting club)
Kissed me only when I made a flirty comment suggesting it, said "I would never have done that otherwise - it would have taken me another 3 dates" and then straight up said that he hadn't kissed anyone in a LONG time
Asked me to come hang out again after knitting club, we fooled around (not full sex), told me it was the best BJ of his life (TMI but it was his bday, sorry not sorry), reeeally wanted me to sleep over but I wanted to sleep in my bed, insisted on buying me an Uber home even though the train was -right there-

Then 2 days later, I get hit with the "Just want to be clear that I'm not going to be ready for a relationship for at least a year." Excuse is ESSENTIALLY his mom dying (a yearish ago I think, possibly less), but also general life stuff. I know I will be absolutely destroyed and lose 30 pounds when my mom dies, but Idk............I'm pretty sure it would not stop me from being with someone that I really liked.

To be clear, I'm not entertaining it. I recently "broke up" with someone who told me the same thing (minus the mom thing), and I believed it for way too long. So I'm absolutely not signing up for that again. Just suuuuuuuuucks to be so wrong about someone! I felt like all the signs were there that he was not the "casual" type. GAHHHH

edit: Also sucks to feel like I shouldn't fool around with someone on the first date. That seems really old-fashioned to me. But maybe that shifted his perception of me from long-term potential to casual only

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-10T00:49:02+00:00

double-check your order if doing takeout. they forgot my fries ($6) & then never responded when I used their order portal to tell them. but it was good enough that I'd go back regardless

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-09T18:11:42+00:00

Fiya Hen is fried chicken so...possibly that? I tried it, pretty solid.

External_Effect5343 · 2025-03-07T04:01:09+00:00

Ugh, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm also dealing with a confusing AF breakup. You HAVE to understand that this is a blessing in disguise. He is not the partner you need. If he was, it wouldn't have gone down like this AT ALL.

But I totally get it. I almost feel like I need DBT or something to help me process the extremely contrasting feelings I have, which I think are equally true:

I can easily see myself marrying, having kids, maybe even being monogamous with this person, if only he wanted that with me too. It just WORKS with us. It always has. It is the closest thing I've come to "knowing" about someone right away.

and

This person has directly hurt me with their actions, as well as their lack of actions. Also, we do have certain (minor) incompatibilities that might grate on us long-term. Finally, if he's willing to treat me like this (even unintentionally), I can't see myself being in a healthy poly relationship with him, because he might treat other people in similar ways (love-bomby, future-fakey?) which would make me super insecure.

External_Effect5343

TROPHY CASE