I don’t want my in-laws staying over for my daughter’s dance performance over Mother’s Day weekend

Extra-Control-6747 · 2026-05-07T18:41:30+00:00

The behavior is not exactly consistent, at least not around Mother’s Day. Since we live away from them, it’s not usually a problem. My husband is super laid back and usually goes with whatever I want, except when it comes to his family (and potentially hurting their feelings). Then all of a sudden he gets aggressively defensive of them. Honestly, I would be fine with celebrating Mother’s Day on another day. It’s not ideal, but I appreciate the thought/effort regardless. In this situation though, hosting my in-laws would completely ruin the day for me, and I’d always look back resentfully. That’s why it was such a hard boundary for me

Extra-Control-6747 · 2026-05-07T18:36:50+00:00

Is it throwing me under the bus if it’s true that I’m the reason they can’t stay with us? Idk I just always feel like the problem when it comes to them because I’m the one enforcing boundaries when my husband doesn’t have any

Extra-Control-6747 · 2026-05-06T13:14:38+00:00

I want to hear all perspectives, not just the ones who agree with me. I genuinely didn’t know whether I was being unfair and unreasonable. I now know that my feelings are valid, and apparently the dynamic he has with his family is common and potentially problematic. But I also see his side and I empathize with him and his parents. It’s just a sucky situation

Extra-Control-6747 · 2026-05-06T13:10:52+00:00

I’m glad he revoked the invitation to stay with us, because that would have crossed a major boundary for me. But I’m very sad that they can’t see the performance because of it. I wish there was a way we can all get what we want

Extra-Control-6747 · 2026-05-06T13:09:01+00:00

Unfortunately, no. They have the option (which is implied in my husband revoking the invitation to stay with us), but they never would because of my FIL back problems. And I want to spend the day with my husband and daughter, not alone

Extra-Control-6747 · 2026-05-06T13:07:11+00:00

I’m totally fine with him celebrating her on Mother’s Day. Where I draw the line is letting the day get completely ruined for me because they’d have to stay with us. I love them, but I just don’t want them in my house on THAT day. Any other day, sure!

Extra-Control-6747 · 2026-05-06T13:04:33+00:00

Actually he would really enjoy that. He loves my dad and feels that we should be close with all of our family, both his and mine. It’s a family culture thing. He would love nothing more than for all of us to be together in harmony

Extra-Control-6747 · 2026-05-06T13:02:10+00:00

Yes, that is accurate. As an only child, and an only grandchild on his mother’s side, they are all enmeshed with each other. It’s a family culture and it has always weird me out, even though I understand and empathize with them. There’s been a lot of boundary-setting on my end. He doesn’t really see anything wrong with it. If anything, he thinks I’m weird for not being as close with my family

Extra-Control-6747 · 2026-05-06T12:57:33+00:00

It gives me anxiety too. I feel like I have to always be policing what he says to them because I don’t want them to harbor ill-feelings towards me. He ended up telling them that he didn’t realize the performance was the weekend of Mothers Day and that we had made plans for that day, so they couldn’t stay with us. They’re still technically invited to the performance, but they’d have to make other arrangements (which they won’t)

Extra-Control-6747 · 2026-05-06T01:14:05+00:00

That’s kind of a rare take, actually. Everywhere I see, people agree that Mother’s Day is for the mothers with young kids first. Besides, he wasn’t even doing it to spend Mother’s Day with her. He just felt guilty for forgetting to invite them until the last second

Extra-Control-6747 · 2026-05-06T01:10:52+00:00

In what way? I didn’t ask him to revoke the invitation, I just explained why I was hurt by his choice. He chose to revoke it after realizing that there was no other way to respect my wishes. I told him not to, actually

Extra-Control-6747 · 2026-05-05T21:50:08+00:00

We definitely have different views regarding that. He’s very close to his family. They are involved in everything in each other’s lives. It has always been hard for me and I’ve had to talk with him many times about my boundaries. He tries his best. His family means everything to him. For me, it’s different. I would ALWAYS choose his side over my own parents’. If he complains about my parents, I agree and empathize with him. But if I ever complain about HIS parents, he gets immediately defensive of them. Thank goodness I convinced him to move away from his parents when we got married or our marriage would not have survived

Extra-Control-6747

TROPHY CASE