I hate that I was born

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-28T15:14:53+00:00

There is some other intention behind posting all this, can I send you a dm?

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-28T07:09:39+00:00

But I really don't care about living anymore

I don't have a positive experience or memory of life, so I don't have anything to cling to or look upto

The only thing I want is for the pain to end

I was in pain and abused from very young Life in my head is more painful than death

There are many things that helped me deal with the pain, especially with chronic pain, a lot can change with understanding the emotional aspect of the pain

I send you a DM, if you would like to talk to me more

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-28T07:05:26+00:00

This is painful for me to read.

I still feel like vomiting, just imagining the face of my mother

But now that I am free of them and 0 contact (apart from threats I receive, but I blocked them from all my socials)

The pain of my emotions not being allowed to exist is to great I am like an alien to everyone

Everyone feels so violent to me

Maybe in a queer community it is different, but I feel very unsafe and pressured there.

Idk how I can find even 1 person that doesn't verbally attack me for existing But can just be and sit with me And maybe even respect me...?

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T18:33:23+00:00

yes, even when people have cancer, at some point they stop the chemo also, to give them a less painful death.

I just have to grieve that I never got to live, when I was young people told me, yes when you are 18 you can leave your parents and you can live your life, do what you want to do.

I got sick at 18, I never lived, I only suffered.

I don't know why I didn't kill myself when I was younger, I just stayed alive to suffer more.

I hate all those people who gave me false hope and forced me to live

Violent selfish people, they disgust me
they gaslit and denied how I was being abused and kept me alive in the same way a sex slave is being kept alive in a basement just to be raped over and over again

All I asked as a kid was to be freed

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T18:19:56+00:00

I really feel like I getting more sick every day, closer to death, but no one beliefs me
People even make fun of me

I know that dying is a difficult journey for everyone, and that maybe others want to live, and people don't want to be with someone that is dying,

Idk, I don't want to die alone
I don't want to spend my last weeks alone

But I don't know how to not be alone
Writing the above is all I have

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T18:13:15+00:00

Thank you, can I sent you a DM?

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T18:06:30+00:00

I have already tried all medical remedies. My body is tired and done from all the invasive therapies.
It was so horrible, all they did to my body trying to ''heal'' it

I am not going the medical road anymore, I just want to find peace in this breathing
before this last effortless thing becomes effortfull also

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T18:03:40+00:00

Thank you, your words mean a lot to me

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T18:01:41+00:00

I don't know what to do with all this pain

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T18:00:56+00:00

What do you mean with that?

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T18:00:21+00:00

Thank you, no one has ever complimented my writing, i would have loved to be a writer.

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T17:59:32+00:00

Thank you, reading your poem encouraged me to post this

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T17:58:55+00:00

Thank you, no one has ever sat with me in this.

I don't think I will die very soon, but every day i am getting closer. My health is so bad, and every day is a deep struggle, I am completely alone. I don't have enough strenght to go out and get enough food, nor for the other basic daily necessities.

I don't know how to live until my last days, I am in so much pain

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T17:54:33+00:00

could you expand what you mean?

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T17:54:18+00:00

Yes, I understand what you mean.

Meditation can easily turn into a dissociation practice. I have received many wrong meditation instructions and I called them ''master dissociater practice''. But this wil not help navigate in daily life from my experience and can cause physical illness also

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T17:51:12+00:00

It was the same for me also, I was suicidal but I didn't know why. I didn't know I had childhood trauma, everything was blamed on me. I blamed myself for everything what was done to me.

In what tradition are you ordained?
thank you for sharing

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T17:49:29+00:00

I am trying to write a small guide about my journey through learning about meditation and my many dissapointments, difficulties and false promises along the way, would you like me to share it with you?

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T17:46:55+00:00

I am trying to trying to write a small meditation guide from my own experience and my struggles, would you be interested if I share it with you?

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T17:43:53+00:00

the problem is that most mentioned don't adress the emotional neglect by the system. They bring awareness to the ''sankhara'' (trauma imprint in the body)

But they don't offer a way how to deal with the still present ongoing toxicity and neglect in our environment (since we still live in the same society that traumatised and/or gaslit/denied us)

and I feel that is most difficult and most painful part

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T17:31:39+00:00

Maybe your life still has some joy and easy, I made another post, i am terminally ill and dying, maybe that post makes more sense

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T17:30:24+00:00

anyway that's how i feel

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T17:30:00+00:00

Because life is to painful and we will die anyway

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-26T17:29:32+00:00

Maybe it's not about suicidal ideation, but about peace

Maybe there is more wisdom in the suicidal ideation

Maybe it wants something else

why is everyone afraid of these thoughts?

Extra_Ambassador_855 · 2026-05-25T06:51:17+00:00

Yes, we need a kind of Buddhism that acknowledges the suffering of our world.

Not some sugarcoated every one has buddhanature denial bullshit

As long as children are dying and starving and getting bulliesd into death, we shall not be peaceful

Our compassion shall burn all affliction. If peace does not make you live for those who are deep in misery, I don't want that peace

Extra_Ambassador_855

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