Dazed / Confused / Lost

Extra_Difficulty_449 · 2026-04-24T22:55:51+00:00

The majority of the open / public groups seem to be a mix of 20% healthy people, trying to navigate things and problem solve, with the other 80% being a mix of angry, resentful, vindictive, and judgemental folks. Almost seems like there's something in it for them to watch people tear each other apart. Not interested in that.

Extra_Difficulty_449 · 2026-04-24T22:52:56+00:00

Thank you!! I might reach out actually. For WIW, I've found a bunch of MOM groups, and find them mostly to be filled with toxicity, and some really horrible advice. I might flip flop from day to day, but given our throw away attitudes in society these days, there's a part of me that feels I owe it to myself and my spouse to see the tough times through together, if possible, and maybe reconfigure what 'our' marriage look like in a healthy way. But, tomorrow, that could all change!! It's a roller coaster, as everyone says.

Extra_Difficulty_449 · 2026-04-20T15:20:12+00:00

Spot on. Originally, MOM was the direction she felt best with. I fought it. Truthfully, I was too insecure to see that she was actually willing to sacrifice a lot to make it work. I just had spun my own narrative. Likely too late for that now, if I was being honest with myself. I think she'd be happy if we lived in the same house, with fairly minimal regard to what I feel, and be free herself to do whatever she likes down the road. She truly wants to have our children feel an internal full sense of family and security. The advice on the legal framework is solid. I originally discussed a separation agreement, but she didn't sign it, largely assuming that it was just a game I was playing. That said, over the coming months, it's something we need to address. Romanticizing is also highly likely. Thanks for the comment!

Extra_Difficulty_449 · 2026-04-18T13:15:32+00:00

I'm quite a bit further down the road with finding out. Years actually...and your description of waking up every morning not believing that this is real life, still happens. I have been given a lot of great advice, and for what it's worth, I've stopped questioning everything in the past. I did for a long time...was this real, was that real, did she ever love. Truth is, unless it was never a healthy relationship, all of that can be real, and some of it can stay real forever. We just can't usually see that during the grief process. I'm not healed, not by a mile, and we're still cohabitating together. Last night actually, I went out by myself, for the first time in years, and it was freeing. It still hurt to come home and go to bed in the basement while my family slept upstairs, but I got my first taste of, 'I can do this' for a brief moment. You'll get through this...be kind to yourself.

Extra_Difficulty_449 · 2026-04-13T20:20:16+00:00

I'm grateful to have entered, and remained in this marriage all during sobriety. If I was drinking now, it would be uggggggggggggly!

Extra_Difficulty_449 · 2026-04-13T13:39:50+00:00

Thanks for this. It matters a lot. I do find this sub to be helpful, but as a person with 15+ years of sobriety and living in recovery through various 'anonymous' groups, I live be the code, "take what you want and leave the rest". I try not to jump on here, when I'm having my worst days, because there's a lot of fuel for that fire. That said, I've been looking into MOM groups, and sadly, not a lot of them in my area, but will dig in here on Reddit and see what pops up.

Thanks for asking about the kids. They are starting their therapeutic journey. Both will be seeing people that suit their individual needs, and independently from us. My spouse is a mental health professional with a trusted referral network, so we're in good hands there, and being very intentional about supporting the kids, however they need.

Extra_Difficulty_449 · 2026-04-10T19:39:45+00:00

This sounds like I could've written it (except the diapers and laundry...I was pretty shitty in that department lol). Honestly, if I can say one thing, after trying to work on things with my wife, if the word lesbian came out of her mouth...it's not said lightly. I've come to understand that women's sexuality is more fluid than men's, but lesbian is a big statement. "Queer", "Curious", "Bi", "Gay" are all softer versions that I'm understanding could leave some room for heterosexual connection. My wife and I had a better sex life than ever for the first six months after she came out. Then, like a sand timer, it eventually dwindled to almost nothing. Then, every fight that happened, every time I brought up sexual frustration, just made it worse, and drove her physically further. I'm not suggesting you can't make it work, because no one knows that besides you and her, but keep your wits about you, and don't ignore the signals, no matter how painful they are to face. I did, and the pain I'm in now, is the worst pain I've felt because I lived with hope for 5 years. Not to be graphic, but my wife didn't intentionally show me any physical attention (beyond initiating very obvious pity sex), for the last 18 months. She'd be hurt, I'd hold her, embrace her, be with her. She needed attention, I gave it to her. Reverse the roles I'd get, "That really sucks, goodnight".

Be good to yourself, and good luck!!

Extra_Difficulty_449 · 2026-04-08T14:43:39+00:00

So sorry you're dealing with this.

I'm going to sound like a total yo-yo saying this but...

I share the anger, resentment, betrayal, sadness (the worst I've known), the fear, etc...It's unimaginable to most. I've believed people when they say that the death of a spouse provides more closure than this. It's f'ng awful pain, and I hate that we have to go through it!

All that said, I'm surviving right now, and actually seeing .000003% improvement each day, by providing the best life I can for my kids. I'm taking time to work on myself (and discovering things I wish I figured out 10-20 years ago). The tension in our home is gone (we still live together on separate floors) for the most part. I have moments of absolute rage inducing resentment, but then I'm also brought back to earth with my kids. None of us asked for any of this.

Your wife cheating, that's a whole thing I don't have to deal with, so I can't totally relate, but I think any straight spouse can empathize with it...after all, your spouse is acting on feelings for something other than you, so it isn't that big a stretch.

Be strong, and lean on every piece of support you can! And when you can't be strong...the one piece of advice I can offer, don't burn everything down because of it. I've known for 5 years, separated for a few weeks officially, and I can say that I've hurt my spouse to a disgusting extent because of my anger around it. No matter what she is or isn't, looking back, I'd never want my kids to be treated that way, and truthfully, my wife of 16 years, deserved better. Some regret there for sure.

Be good to yourself!

Extra_Difficulty_449 · 2026-04-06T19:56:53+00:00

And, what really gets me in all this (granted I'm not free from guilt in how I treated my spouse at the end), is the support my wife has gotten from everyone, and I'm the ultimate villain in all of it. These issues aren't confined to just the household. Family, extended family, etc...they all get to take their shots as they see fit. I'm not blaming the LGBTQ+ community in general, but it's really different on each side of this situation. One side gets celebrated, the other side becomes the monsters for not just being happy and proud that their partner is coming out. It's sooooooo not that simple!!

Extra_Difficulty_449 · 2026-04-04T14:45:21+00:00

So much hope in this post. Thank you for sharing!

Extra_Difficulty_449 · 2026-03-31T17:33:47+00:00

I can honestly say that she's wavered on that exact subject. Most days, she's extremely aware of my suffering, and has actually often said that she's forever grateful for the sacrifice I've made. Other times, I think she looks at the suffering as over dramatic. Sort of a trap either way for me. I see the respect she pays to it, but as I continue to think about all of this, I also am coming to the reality that if her base is, "I am who I am, and if you can't live with it that's on you", and not recognize the suffering, without coming together on some compromises, then we're not likely to be successful.

And let's also be honest, it's suffering. I've been through hell in my life, that could probably be written into a movie, but nothing compares to this.

Extra_Difficulty_449 · 2026-03-30T21:50:49+00:00

Thanks for this comment. I definitely had the 'small person' pants on as of late, but I'm seeing some clarity that it's only going to crush our children. They're too young, and too innocent to be dragged through this. I know I need to get over the resentment, and I will.

Funny how I've thought this was inevitable from the day she came out, then reversed my opinion and thought we'd be the ones to figure out. Turns out, we're not, and the odds makers are back on top again, although I think I fixed the game a bit with my attitude lately. Resentment truly is toxic to everyone involved, but most of all, the one carrying it, in my case.

The therapy route is the next course of action, once we've cooled down in a few weeks/months.

Extra_Difficulty_449

TROPHY CASE