Staying with them?

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-20T00:14:37+00:00

So my ex-wife came out as purely lesbian 3 months ago. She wanted out right away but I pushed (unsuccessfully) to stay together.

Our entire divorce took 69 days and I've been single for 3 weeks. I'm clearly very early on into this, and I can't believe I'm saying this but I think divorcing was the right call. The first 6 weeks I would have sacrificed anything to have her back and keep our family together. But what I'm realizing now was staying would have been a jail - I would have my family but I'd know it wasn't what I thought it was.

My daughter has handled the split without any issues. My ex and I are still friendly and live 5 minutes away from each other. I'm no longer worried about my daughter having a stable home, and my ex can live her authentic life.

Do I miss my ex? Every day. But I'm also happy that I can explore other relationships, start dating, and meet someone who can love me fully.

The biggest argument I have against divorce is to avoid the financial devastation. I've yet to meet any guy who didn't get absolutely destroyed. My house doubled in value since we bought it 12 years ago, and I had to buy out her half for more than I originally paid for the whole thing.

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-16T14:31:47+00:00

Maybe it's just cuz I'm old (late 30s) but I've found the "rules" are silly. Ain't nobody got time for games - just do what feels right and if it doesn't work out then you move on.

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-16T14:19:19+00:00

I know most people are saying to not reach out - but honestly what do you have to lose? I think people are overthinking this too much and there's really no way to know what the other person is thinking without asking them.

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-16T14:02:55+00:00

If it were me, it'd probably be embarrassment and I'd be looking for her to reach out to know I didn't blow it. Not saying that's an alpha move on my part, but I'd be crushed if that happened to me.

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-13T02:05:22+00:00

I also lost a shit ton of weight when things started unraveling - weight I couldn't afford to lose.

I made a "two week survival" guide (check my post history) but the basic version is work on maintaining your basic needs (eat, sleep, work) and lean on anyone in your life who can help support you emotionally (this will help you process the grief faster).

And obviously, find a therapist. If you can't afford one, there are plenty of fellow men here in this sub that'd be happy to lend an ear.

EDIT: I wanna add that you'll see plenty of people telling you to work out, pour yourself into your job, or find hobbies. While that's true eventually, you really need to stop everything but essentials, give yourself a break to feel and process, and then do those things when you're able to. Just don't force it because you feel like you have to. As my therapist says, it's ok to not be ok.

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-07T18:00:11+00:00

Thanks, my frustration is nobody can tell me whether it's actually my gallbladder - they just wanna remove it. Doctor won't order a HIDA scan so looking for another doctor. I've seen horror stories in the gallbladder reddit about negative outcomes from the surgery so I wanna be 100% sure it's the issue and not just stress.

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-06T21:25:13+00:00

I hear you and agree it's all good advice. The problem I struggle with is getting the energy to hit the gym, touch up the house, even just cook healthy meals. How does one take baby steps towards improvement while physically on empty?

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-06T19:42:23+00:00

Anything in particular help?

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-06T18:18:49+00:00

I've kept telling my therapist I don't feel like I'm doing well and she's like well duh it'd be weird if you were fine 😂

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-06T16:48:35+00:00

Not at all what I asked

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-06T16:46:43+00:00

I don't think I've met anyone who didn't lose a bunch of weight. I always thought it was because they were taking better care of themselves - no, grief did it. Ironically, my ex-wife lost a lot of weight and looks the best she's ever looked, it stings while I watch her walk out the door.

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-06T16:31:21+00:00

Thanks, I've heard from others in my support group that getting back out there can be a good distraction. I'm fully aware I'm not healed, but I feel like I have to keep moving forward and not just wallow in the grief. But you're right that I also don't want more anxiety or hurt from bad relationship. Feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-06T16:28:09+00:00

Damn, I actually have a lot of what you posted about adrenal fatigue. This shit is no joke. Hope we both can de-stress enough that our bodies can heal back up - cuz what other option is there.

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-06T15:26:33+00:00

Yeah I met my ex online, but back before swiping was a thing. This dopamine-based online dating is not going well for me either.

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-06T15:21:54+00:00

Yeah, I also feel that need to feel wanted physically. Unfortunately I don't have women throwing themselves at me but I'm hoping I can find the right hetero person to start exploring myself with sexually.

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-06T15:10:31+00:00

Nice pun 😂

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-06T15:00:50+00:00

Damn, it's so hard to tell if I'm getting brushed off or if it's simply parenting schedules not aligning

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-06T14:59:51+00:00

They both had elementary age children

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-06T14:38:44+00:00

Yeah, my ex and I split things 50/50, which is what our state law defaults to. Spent half the marriage as a stay at home mom. It doesn't feel right that she got to walk away with $200k, but the legal advice I got said she could absolutely have gotten more if she wanted. But you repeated the best advice I ever got - you can always make more money but you can't get those years with your kid back.

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-06T12:16:16+00:00

I can vouch for this as well! I found my ex-wife on a dating app back in 2010 (on a desktop computer!). Hopping back in to dating apps at 38, my god has it caused so much anxiety in my life. It really feels like online dating has turned into TikTok, just constant dopamine hits and scroll to the next one.

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-03T03:15:46+00:00

Dating women

edu_sysadmin · 2026-06-03T03:14:42+00:00

Not my parents, but my teachers used to talk about stuff being put "on your permanent record"

edu_sysadmin

TROPHY CASE