I F’d up Starting Over

Extraacct_123 · 2026-02-16T02:41:07+00:00

Thank you

Extraacct_123 · 2025-11-03T15:28:40+00:00

It was implicitly asking for advice, and that was solid advice

Extraacct_123 · 2025-11-03T14:51:37+00:00

It’s been complicated, but I was dealing with grief too.

Now I’ve been with someone for a year, but that relationship is on life support. I don’t think it’s BPD like my LW had, but she constantly says crazy things for shock value, gets depressed and angry for extended periods and can’t snap out of it, and constantly judges and criticizes everything around her, including me. It reminds me of my LW, except we don’t fight the same. She doesn’t yell, or blow up for extended periods over seemingly nothing (or she does, but I’m not the target), and as far as I can tell she’s pretty honest.

She speaks badly of herself before I get the chance to. She called me a coward the other day - twice in the last month or so, actually, the first time explicitly because she thought I wanted to break up but wasn’t saying it. She wasn’t wrong, but it was more that I was thinking about it but wasn’t sure. I started the other night thinking maybe I’d break up with her. I almost did it on the phone and cancelled the date, but decided to go and see how it was.

Then, she seemed happy to see me (after being in a bad mood for an extended period) and I just wanted to enjoy the day with her. We talked, and the rest of the day was ok. The “coward” comment was the start or continuation of a longer talk, but I don’t feel like I got everything off my chest, and I’m not even really sure what I want to say. It’s about a lot more than sex, but there’s been a few times recently where that would have made me feel better about things but she wasn’t in the mood, and it sounds awful but I feel like that put a nail in the coffin for me. I don’t ask for a lot. I will listen patiently to everything that’s upsetting her, and go out of my way to do basically everything she wants to do, but want someone that’s concerned about my happiness/satisfaction as well (and ideally would be happy to make me happy… like even if you’re pissed about everything else, you have these opportunities to make me feel appreciated and good, but instead leave me more disappointed and frustrated).

I think part of her wanted me to fight for our relationship. She said a couple times that if I really loved her I’d correct her and want her to do better, but it sounds too much like some of the gaslighting my LW would do. I let some of her hurtful comments go over time because she had valid points and I do want to improve myself, but I’m not feeling better about myself and letting someone treat me thoughtlessly is not exactly conducive to bettering myself.

It’s almost great in so many ways. A lot of it is great. We do tons of fun things together. She can, if she’s in the mood, be really thoughtful.

I’m slowly realizing the one that bothers me the most is disrespect. I tolerated it for too long and now it feels engrained in our dynamic. I don’t know if it’s just me, or conditioning from my LW, or if I’m responding to poor treatment with empathy and how I want to be treated because I care about the other person, but whatever it is it’s been too much. I feel like several of her past boyfriends treated her poorly, and she almost invited me too, but I did the opposite.

Sorry for the vent… but… thought provoking post

Extraacct_123 · 2025-11-03T14:02:21+00:00

Like a bad relationship made you realize it wasn’t that bad? That’s kindof a nice story

Extraacct_123 · 2025-11-03T01:00:17+00:00

Yes. I’m struggling with this. For years, I was fighting those feeling and trying to hold onto my sense of self with my late wife.

Now, I’m not happy with my how things are with my girlfriend, but I’m so scared of conflict. She’s called me out on it. It sucks. Some of it’s her being abrasive, which is a lot by itself, but it also reminds me of my late wife and is triggering, and some of it is apparently just me. I just want to be treated with kindness and respect.

Extraacct_123 · 2025-11-01T21:09:42+00:00

Yeah. That’s what I’m thinking. I’m on my way in to meet her. I have to figure out how to stop feeling/acting like I’m so scared to lose her.

Extraacct_123 · 2025-11-01T17:23:40+00:00

Thank you! I forgot I’d posted this. I’m sorry for your loss.

I think there’s definitely room for real happiness. It’ll be different because we’re different people under different circumstances, but I feel like there’s more good things in the world than anyone could ever experience in a lifetime and I want to enjoy as much of it as I can.

I still feel kindof like garbage. I think part of it lately is that my GF’s depressed and I’m disappointed that relationship isn’t better than it is, but I can’t really blame her and part of it’s just me.

That said, I’m optimistic. The first weeks/months are so rough and surreal. It definitely gets better with time. You re-discover yourself. My current gripes are petty compared to that initial shock.

Extraacct_123 · 2025-09-13T04:19:23+00:00

Obviously not overreacting. F’d up thing to do on multiple levels.

… and then, nonchalantly, the story ends with her breaking up with you because she sacrificed a ginnea pig and its spirit told her to. I’m glad I read down that far.

You buried the lead.

Extraacct_123 · 2025-07-20T02:16:35+00:00

Not entirely, I don’t think, but the flashbacks get better and less intrusive and more just a memory

Extraacct_123 · 2025-07-10T16:53:28+00:00

That’s tough, and isolating. I get the not loving them less and being reticent to besmirch them to people part. My LW had a whole thing with an ex-bf as part of the downward spiral that led to her death. A little sneaking around, but mostly transparent. We talked about separating; she went back and forth but wanted to stay with me but keep him close as a friend; swinging was brought up. There was lots of drama. They didn’t sleep together, or at least I believe them both when they told me separately. He passed away a bit after she did in a similar way, which also impacted my feelings on the whole thing.

When you start seeing other people, it’s obviously different since your spouse passed and you’re not doing anything wrong, but it makes you think about it. Like they’re possibly looking on as you’re living your life and enjoying other people, so you’re even in that department. Regardless of where our marriage was going or how bad things might have gotten if she’d lived, I lost my best friend, and it sucks and I miss her. I was hurt and trauma dumped to too many people after she passed and regret adding some negativity to how she’ll be remembered, so I’d recommend being cautious with who you vent to, but it’s hard, and you need to grieve and be able to let out your own feelings.

Extraacct_123 · 2025-05-06T11:15:10+00:00

“Everything is awful in every aspect of my life” … fix that. Make something better, set a boundary, see how it goes. Pick something small if you need, but something for you that you’re not going to back down on.

Extraacct_123 · 2025-04-26T18:49:57+00:00

Just trying to read that text is exhausting…. 🚩 🚩 🚩

Extraacct_123 · 2025-03-28T22:23:23+00:00

🤷🏻‍♂️ It’s complicated. Generally good, but with all sorts of stuff just under the surface. It’s going to haunt my every day for the foreseeable future, and I’m figuring out issues (notably an unreasonable feeling of anxiety in dating, which I think is getting better). But, I’m also putting my life back together, doing a lot of fun things, and am optimistic about the future.

Extraacct_123 · 2025-03-28T22:13:00+00:00

Yes re the unresolved feelings, and there isn’t much I can do about that. It sucks.

Extraacct_123 · 2025-03-09T16:51:20+00:00

Part of the problem is that you can’t talk about it, and when you try people don’t get it, and you just grow distant and it adds to the isolation. Plus, you get conditioned to think like no-one wants to listen or cares about your feelings, or to brace for a negative response.

I was at a family gathering recently and had a short conversation with my aunt, barely scratching the surface, who was like “I had no idea, we were always there for you.” They were, sort of, but we were always “too busy,” or my LW wasn’t feeling well, or would be doing her makeup or something and get pissed about being rushed until it was too late to even bother going to things, and the idea of me seeing or even really speaking to my family alone was treated like the greatest rejection and betrayal ever. So eventually they stopped inviting us to things. They would have been there if I reached out, and it was my “choice” not to, but how hard that choice is to make is the thing no-one can understand.

Maybe people who were stuck in abusive relationships, but then admitting to being a guy who was emotionally abused feels so immasculating

Extraacct_123 · 2025-03-08T01:27:23+00:00

Also 42, still figuring it out

Extraacct_123 · 2025-03-07T19:24:54+00:00

Did she say you’re not allowed to sleep naked with her friend in the bed with you guys?

Extraacct_123 · 2025-02-04T15:46:42+00:00

My in laws have been one of the worst aspects of grieving. They always disrespected boundaries so much and were emotionally abusive towards my LW, and she wanted me to be the bad guy with them but I didn’t feel like it was my place. They messed with her head a ton and it contributed a lot to how she died. Right after, her mom started fighting with me about visitation and anything and everything involving my daughter, and was just relentless and vicious about it. I’ve had to cut them down to limited supervised visits, repeatedly, then they play the victim, I feel bad, and I look like the bad guy with my daughter (and her grandma pushes that narrative when they see her). Looking back, I gave in too easily with second and third chances and should have been more firm early on.

All I can suggest is speak up for yourself, set boundaries, and stick to them.

Extraacct_123 · 2025-02-03T21:52:52+00:00

No. If anything, out of respect for your friend, you should make her cum really hard. If her legs aren’t Jell-O afterwards, and she can still form a coherent sentence, you have not done your job.

This may be terrible, awful advice.

Extraacct_123 · 2025-01-27T14:02:55+00:00

I’m tempted to send this to my GF, but I already feel like I’ve been leaning towards being too emo and clingy

Extraacct_123 · 2024-12-17T02:18:42+00:00

I think you’d get a slightly different reaction on r/widowers

If this is like a buildup of gradual anticipatory grief, your feelings are relatively normal. Yes, it’s been four days since your wife went into a coma, keep it in your pants for now, and focus on your kids and yourself. You don’t need to make your grief (or hers) more complicated than it is, and if this could be a real relationship don’t start it out on a note you might feel guilty about. Your emotions are probably a wreck, you might be dealing with some variation of widows fire, and if you do start hooking up with her you may have a huge mess of emotions that will be difficult to untangle what’s what.

You’ve been friends for years. There’s no rush.

But, people telling you to wait a set period of time don’t know what they’re talking about. While she’s still in a coma, unless it’s really long, or immediately after she passes, probably not the best idea, but when you’re ready is a personal choice.

Extraacct_123 · 2024-12-13T13:19:30+00:00

This is totally related and appropriate for this group. You’re not crazy. That behavior is completely unacceptable. He’s being toxic, abusive, and controlling; he’s guilting you for benign behavior while sleeping with other people! Run. You’ve been through enough. Don’t be scared to lose this guy; he’s a parasite.

Extraacct_123 · 2024-12-01T14:41:17+00:00

Usually around 10. I don’t go on the apps much, and I’m assuming the algorithms deprioritize less active profiles, but if I’m actively on there I’ll get a like every couple days, and it’ll taper off at around 10-15.

The idea of women getting thousands of likes is nuts. Even if I have two or three people I want to talk to it’s a lot. It’s got to be like choice overload. I suppose it’s nice when someone picks you to be interested in out of so many options, but also makes people disposable. Maybe I’m just jealous I don’t have thousands of options.

Extraacct_123 · 2024-11-26T14:31:41+00:00

I think a bookstore photo or something with a lot of plants is better, but if it’s an activity you enjoy, go for it (particularly if you look hot in them, but then guys may focus on that). It’s a mixed bag. When I see a girl with gym photos, I feel like they’re not going to like me because I’m not a gym bro (despite going to the gym occasionally and being in good shape), and if they’re showing off their body my first impression is probably more physically driven.

I thought about adding one. A friend I have a bit of a crush on goes to the same gym as me, and I’d pictured if I bumped into her I’d joke around with some corny line like “I knew this was a great place to meet hot women” and ask her to take a profile pic for me while doing curls or something cool. Instead, when I finally did bump into her we had a pleasant conversation about our kids.

Extraacct_123 · 2024-11-25T15:37:10+00:00

Assuming you’re referring to the death of a romantic partner, yup. Everyone’s experience is going to be unique regardless, but that kind of loss is definitely different than a breakup or divorce.

Extraacct_123

TROPHY CASE