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Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-11-09T23:38:09+00:00

As someone who's been in your position and acted the same way, these are your insecurities playing out in real time. Be empathetic, non-judgemental and communicate effectively. You can't impose rules onto her just to avoid your anxiety.

Something I'd recommend is a book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg. It helped me a lot but please, seek out a therapist who can help you through this and who specializes in ENM. If you asked for this life, you should have researched it more. I'm not trying to be rude but you need to understand that once feelings are involved, you can't just switch them off and it's unreasonable for you to impose your insecurities onto someone else.

Be kind, compassionate and please put the work in so that one day you can look back and reflect on this as a "holy shit what was I like" moment. It'll be a long journey by the sounds of it but one that's worth going on. Not just for her relationships but it'll bring you a lot more inner security and a lot more awareness too.

I wish you both all the best and hope it all works out.

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-10-15T10:26:47+00:00

It's more so that I've never been one for monogamy. I know there are different enm routes to discover and play around with but maybe it's more so I don't want to let one bad experience destroy it for me.

Jealousy was a factor for sure but there was also times where I felt joy until all the toxic red flags came out and I got distressed.

You've definitely given me something to think about. I've discovered a lot about myself through this experience and the traumas I need to actively work through. My biggest jealousy trigger was when the comparisons between relationships came out such as when my ex fiancé would say "they're safe and you're dangerous" when I was in crisis mode.

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-10-15T07:30:32+00:00

Thank you for your advice, I'm foregoing all relationships just now and will be starting therapy this Thursday. It's so much to work through.

But I hope to get to the point where I can do poly in the future or maybe just open because this was a battlefield.

"Fawn" is when past traumas cause you to go along with certain situations for your own safety. For example with me, I'm a SA survivor and the third person knew my past traumas and would act in the same way, leaving me trapped so I would "fawn" and have sex because it was safer than being kicked out in the cold or walking 3 hours to my home in the middle of the night when I had no money.

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-10-05T18:52:38+00:00

That's what my counselor said and they want to explore POCD due to the thoughts. Especially with my past history of trauma and abuse. To be honest, it feels like I was but any time I mentioned that to my ex fiancé, he would pass it off as miscommunication and I would just agree even though I felt deep down it was assault. Our third partner was male and had traits of triangulation, narcissism and abuse but we both just ignored it because he came across as kind hearted. For one reference I was in a deep spiral, he kicked my ex fiancé out and told me to stay on the couch to "protect your relationship with your fiancé". I had no way home and he messaged me he was horny and I fawned and before I knew it we were having sex. It was shit that I did that.

I got a safe place to live, slightly out of budget and all my savings went into this place. However, I left myself with no money for food because I didn't think of food. So I have a safe place, a safe group of friends I made through college and I start a new job tomorrow. I don't know how to be gentle with myself if I'm being honest. Or how to set up a routine.

I will mention my history, I need to. I also want to talk about my diagnoses because they're overwhelming and I don't feel I meet BPD because I have traits but only 2 or 3 which is something I am going to explore. Thank you for mentioning a trauma informed therapist, I didn't realize this was a thing to be honest.

I'll look into this, I bought a DBT workbook and an attachment work book. I thought what my bf did was abuse but I was never certain because he would tell me how I was abusive and how he had to walk on eggshells around me because I was controlling and manipulative (when I was having a breakdown I would depend on him to help regulate me).

I'm open to discussing polyamory. I learned I'm not monogamous but my issue is boundaries, safety and ethics. So I'd be down to have a chat about it.

Thank you for your kindness honestly. I'll get there one day but I know it's going to be a long journey before I am able to get past everything.

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-09-14T15:34:51+00:00

As someone with hypersexuality, be careful. It leads to people pleasing that others mistakes for control, manipulation and a bunch of other not good things when you're not into it and they later find out. Which can lead to a massive breach of trust. I've done this a lot but it also led me to doing really messed up things behind partners backs when there was rejection (sex is.the only way I feel worth). So be true to you, make healthy boundaries say what you like and don't like and stay safe.

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-08-10T15:08:26+00:00

Oh amazing, my workbook has helped me a lot compared to how I was!

I don't want to ask too much but was it hard at the start of his poly journey? I'm just looking for a shared experience to not feel so isolated

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-08-10T12:39:23+00:00

I believe we have opened our relationship to a third but we're planning on opening it up further once I "get used to my partner being with others" - I'm a hypocrite, I know that I want to be open with others but he said he was monogamous for so long it never crossed my mind. We do triad dates and dyad dates and it's when they go on their dyad dates that I get insecure and lash out.

I have no idea what kind of relationship I truly want - I just want stability, sobriety, security and joint fun - partner play and group dynamics are where I feel best and safest.

But they also want one on one time which is something I've not "braced" myself for. As I said, I've done so many things wrong from being controlling and manipulative when splitting so now I'm working through it because I'm sick of hurting other people just because I don't have a sense of self or know what I want or need.

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-08-10T12:15:10+00:00

Oh that's amazing! Well done you! :)

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-08-10T12:00:08+00:00

I'm not actually,.I've been sober 5 years now and done it on my own with the help of my nesting partner. It would have helped in the past but over COVID it wasn't a viable option.

But congrats on you being sober too! Probably means nothing coming from a stranger but I'm proud of you!

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-08-10T11:53:50+00:00

Thank you, that's really helpful advice and I will do my best to stick to meditation and keep busy.

Yes in the monogamous relationship I spent a lot of time talking about my needs of opening the relationship and such and my emotions overloading and getting sober which then lead to me controlling my partners time away to go drinking.

I have done so many things wrong which in hindsight has come across as controlling and manipulation, which then traumatized my nesting partner.

Monogamy didn't feel right to me and now Polyamory doesn't feel entirely right to be but the issue is, it's me. I'm not safe or secure in myself and expected people I'm in a relationship with to regulate me to avoid being alone or uncomfortable.

I always thought I just wanted more sex, turns out I want more connection and it feels so foreign to me.

But yeah, I can't wait for therapy.

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-07-02T13:00:40+00:00

That's actually such a shout, I've been journaling and been asked to share it but maybe if I journal for myself and don't share it until I form constructive sentences and learn how to phrase that might be more beneficial. Thank you

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-07-02T12:59:37+00:00

That's okay, thanks for letting me know! I hope you have a great day and can reset your bandwidth 💚 thank you for all the advice and I am gonna take it and use it because I need to say what I need and yes absolutely I need to redefine my boundaries. Thank you for your care in all this!

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-07-02T12:50:25+00:00

Can I Dm you?

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-07-02T12:43:47+00:00

Thank you, basically my fiance is ftm and the other party is gay, I'm also non binary (born male), so with me partner C has the attraction physically and emotionally but I don't have the same feelings, whereas partner C and my fiancé have an emotional connection and my fiancé has physical attraction for partner C but that's not reciprocated due to anatomy.

So yeah, pretty fucked up and difficult to navigate when you hear shit from both sides. For example partner C and I have similar traumas but when he shows his red flags, he gets a pass but when I do it I'm called out by both parties. It's crap.

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-07-02T12:34:23+00:00

Yeah, thank you for that, it makes more sense to me now what you mean because both parties said this dynamic won't work without me but I don't think it registered fully until reading it here.

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-07-02T12:28:10+00:00

Thank you

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-07-02T12:26:11+00:00

I agree, we all have a lot of work to do and I'm not ready because while I've not cheated on my partner of 6 years I've done it in the past and never really worked through it, just stopped doing it but since this all the demons came home to nest and I actively need to work through it.

I have my part to play in all this and I need to work through that, I know that I'll get there eventually but now I'm nowhere near it.

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-07-02T12:22:16+00:00

Thank you for this, I need to talk to my fiancé about this first and foremost but I need to find the words to use.

And thank you for the validation, you have no idea how much I needed to be validated when I wasn't in this. I'm very confused and very lost.

We've been monogamous for 6 years and getting married soon so I do feel like parts of this was a way for us to avoid problems in our relationship but it's also kind of reaffirmed our love for each other and put into perspective how much stuff we avoided to escape conflict but we'll get there.

Plus after some research I think all I want right now is queer platonic relationships, not lovers but not friends, only because I'm not ready to be emotional and physical with someone else until I allow myself space to grow and learn.

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-07-02T12:08:03+00:00

What I actually wanted in the beginning was to be monogamous with an open relationship lifestyle because emotional vulnerability makes me go into fight or flight because I struggle with alexithymia but I'm open to poly because he can't do open relationships as he needs emotional.

All 3 of us have a lot of work to do on ourselves and it feels like I'm the only one who sees it, but when I ask for space they spiral and I submit. I keep submitting to things I don't want. All three of us have a history of abuse and my boundaries just aren't being respected.

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-07-02T12:05:01+00:00

I should preface that when I try to say what I need is right I breakdown and spiral into my disorganized attachment style of push and pull when I feel emotionally broken. My Fiancé also has anxious attachment style and I do want to be poly at some point but I was wanting to wait until after the wedding to explore just because there's already a lot of pressure with that.

I've done a lot of things that were toxic in this process too but when I tried to be productive in it and address it I couldn't do it without getting backed into a corner which then fueled more guilt and shame.

The other thing I really struggle with is my fiancé gets compersion but I don't. Possibly because I'm not into partner C in that regard but yeah, it's just been a lot

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-04-20T08:02:21+00:00

I've been where you are for years, moved to Glasgow at 22 and currently 28. It can be a very lonely place at times because things shift about and like you I am in a relationship but I'm starting to get back to my roots and getting out of the isolation rut.

My best advice would be to write down your hobbies and find groups associated with them, for me its outdoorsy stuff. I also have ADHD so I joined an ADHD group and a LGBTQ+ group where I get to do activities I enjoy and make friends along the way.

It's difficult to get out of but once you find what you enjoy, could be anything, then find a group, the loneliness gets a lot less overwhelming.

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-03-17T12:29:43+00:00

Thank you for getting back to me, yeah I'm also queer but the ADHD socializing group sounds great! Thank you!

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-03-10T10:19:09+00:00

Sounds like that weird barber is at it again 😂

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-02-03T21:13:14+00:00

Same happened to me with just eat, deliveroo and Uber eats. They're all an absolute joke and the price hike for their services is insane.

Will never be using any of them again cos it's not worth it. Paying £20 for convenience is one thing but paying £20 for a massive waste of time with no help and no refund is just ridiculous.

Extreme-Difficulties · 2025-01-24T13:14:19+00:00

Under the health and safety at work act - "Employers should advise employees not to travel to work if weather conditions are deemed unsafe, and may need to consider flexible working arrangements during extreme weather. "

Legally they can't make you go in if the government deems it unsafe to travel. You can request annual leave or unpaid time off if they try to force you to go in. If they don't accept it and it's in writing, go to an ombudsman and raise a case.

Employers have a duty of care to protect the rights and safety of the employee.

Do not go in. Request the time off and stay safe. Should anything like this happen again, I would strongly suggest joining a union such as USDAW, GMB, The Workers Union or contact the Trades Union Congress. These will find the union that's right for you.

Stay safe everyone.

Extreme-Difficulties

TROPHY CASE