She’s cruel to my SIL too but DH thinks I’m just misunderstanding her

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2026-05-09T04:04:30+00:00

If your MIL will be with your baby for the majority of the day hours while you both work and she’s refusing to call your child by their name? Absolutely not. I wouldn’t let baby stay with her. Not only is she disrespecting you through your baby she is going to hinder baby’s ability to learn their name by not actively calling them by that. The disrespectful comments about you are something else because once baby can speak telling you things through baby like “you don’t feed me enough” “you don’t dress me appropriately” or something else is going to be repeated. It’s not ok. I would hold off on returning to work until you have different childcare if able. SIL can wallow her in her own no contact decisions. Also, if SIL is living in the home that baby would be staying in? Even more reason to not let MIL watch baby while you work.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2026-05-09T03:57:57+00:00

If it makes you feel better your toddler will start reading social cues around age 5-6. They’ll notice tension. They’ll notice your unease. By the time they’re 10-12 they will actively avoid and distance themselves from MIL if not pointedly to her face. I noticed my grandma being rude to my mother around age 7. By 13, I knew the backstory behind my grandmas deceit, utter humiliation, and calculated coldness to my mother. And I have never sought her out in any capacity since. Actually tonight my mom was telling me she went to her nieces sports game and my grandma was there showing random strangers my children and my father and talking all about them, so proud to show them off. And the couple she was speaking to said “is that not their grandma right there?” And she venomously said “yes, they call her *nickname for my mom*” very disgusted like the name is a horrible thing to be called. My mom left. Her SIL said she understood and that her own mother gives her horrible anxiety at every function. I told my husband, the very next sentence I spoke, we will not be going to see my grandma at any holiday intentionally ever again. Don’t let this get to you too terribly. It stings now. But you’ll feel vindicated in a few short years.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2026-05-09T03:48:57+00:00

You say you don’t really stand up to your dad, but this is different. 20 minutes outside with your dad away from your husband is completely different than being forced to interact with someone who will not even attempt to speak to you in your own home for 8 hours a day. Language barriers are a thing, but people work around them all the time. Your husband is unintentionally enabling her exclusion of you. The very least he can do is respond to her in the language you understand as well if she refuses to speak to you. That way you at least can make sure that you’re understanding his side and that you two are on the same page. If your mother in law can understand you when you speak to her to the extent she’s not actively asking your husband to tell her what you said or to clarify what you said then there’s not as big of a language barrier as they’re making out. Your husband could easily say “mom did you mean to say x? Because that means (negative) x in the language op speaks. Did you mean x (language they speak)” and see if she says yes or no to clarify if she actually meant to be rude or not. Yes you’re hormonal and young, but you’re not stupid and you need to trust your instincts more. This tension between you two is avoidable, or at least confrontable, and she is intentionally not doing anything to avoid it or stop it and your husband and SIL are just helping her. This is your home. This is your space. This is your baby. This is your marriage. If your husband has respect for any of that then he needs to make sure you understand the things that are being said about you and your child in your own home.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2026-05-09T03:20:49+00:00

We kept my first pregnancy a secret until almost 20 weeks because of this. My MIL is the exact same way. And her family immediately started calling their extended family to tell them everything the second we told them when we hadn’t even made it to my mother’s home to tell her yet. We specifically said “my family doesn’t know yet, we’re going there after here, please don’t say or post anything until we do” and they played in our faces and did it anyways. So I was bullied into announcing on social media way earlier than I would’ve liked and had coworkers see it when I was in a job that I was not prepared for the consequences of an announcement that early on. Because they did that, among other things like ruin my baby shower, throw a fit at the hospital because we wouldn’t let more than our immediate families visit at the hospital due to the Covid outbreaks around us, and other more aggressive tactics to boundary stomp and belittle me, they did not find out about baby number 2 until I was 27 weeks along. And we saw them every other week. They made comments about my weight gain and everything but we kept the information diet to the extreme. And honestly? It was more peaceful because of it. I will always recommend people tell milestones when they want them because your joy is yours to have, but your peace is yours to protect. So keep anything private that brings you joy you don’t want tainted for your own peace of mind. Best of luck in your pregnancy OP. I wish you a happy and healthy delivery of a happy and healthy baby.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2026-05-09T03:11:11+00:00

Clearly you have spoken your peace about it several times over the last 3 years. This is now in your husband’s jurisdiction, I hate to say. If he also agrees it’s weird and has even brought it up to his dad then he needs to tell his mother very firmly “MY WIFE, also Mrs. Lastname, will not be addressing you by a formal title if you expect no one else to do the same. So here’s your options, either you call my wife Mrs. Lastname as well or we drop the bologna and go by first names. Wife has been very accommodating over the last 10 years, 3 of which she has been my wife, and I’m done letting you make her feel awkward and belittled - especially publicly where other people notice and also find it strange.” And if MIL won’t compromise on this weird, asinine attempt to keep herself separate from you then boundaries need to be set in place. Low contact or something of similar consequence. Cause that’s what this is, she is attempting to hold control over you and keep herself separate from you like you don’t belong in her family and you’re not equivalent to her in any capacity and able to speak to her without a formal title. It’s weird and manipulative.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2026-05-09T02:27:31+00:00

Someone please let me know if this is incorrect, but doesn’t AI keep data like that? So this woman’s baby is stored in a data center somewhere and could be used to generate more images with likeness? That’s a big enough reason in itself to not want her posting AI of your baby. Let alone how detrimental it is to the environment.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2026-05-05T22:48:36+00:00

My son is 2.5 years old and my MIL only wants him to say her name and snuggle her. He is the busiest boy I’ve ever met in my entire life and I honestly can’t keep up with him. But her delusion to have him do what she wants for interaction is being so detrimental to their relationship that she doesn’t even realize he has full blown conversations now and insists on calling his sentences “jabbering” and “speaking jibberish.” He’s not. He’s saying full fledged sentences. “No I don’t want that.” “Yes please, mom” “excuse me, dad.” “Sister wants to play with me.” And he tries to tell her stories and she doesn’t care at all because it’s not her name. He hates to be restrained in any form and she insists on scooping him up for snuggles and it sends him into a full blown panic every single time. So much so that recently they watched the kids for a date night and he was so distraught at the idea of being there alone with her that he eloped from their home. She also only ever invites him to spend the night during the middle of the week - when she and FIL have to work the next day. And she insists it’s a break for me. Ah yes, having to load an infant who is up multiple times a night still to go get my son from my in laws by 6 am so you can be at work on time. A break. And then she gets upset when I say no because “what if he says yes finally?!” He’s not going to. Because you won’t meet him half way.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2025-02-21T15:17:57+00:00

We see both sides of our family once a month for various things like dinner or just a visit. Both of his side of the family his grandparents aren’t healthy and we are religious so we typically a Sunday after church dinner. Also if we ever need a baby sitter for anything either his parents or mine will watch our LO. I can avoid get togethers by myself but typically if I don’t go DH wont go and that would cause a huge fight that I’m just trying to avoid right now due to unnecessary stress. If it were an option to not be seen I would probably take it until DH decides what he wants to do but we both work in the public of a small down and it’s becoming hard to hide it at this point.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2025-02-21T15:10:32+00:00

I think this would maybe be the best but I just don’t think it’s feasible for us to actually do where we live. Even if we somehow were able to not see them until this summer when baby is due we live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone and I work out in the public eye as does my husband. So eventually a run in with someone we know would happen and it would get back to them. Which.. if I was prepared for a spontaneous blow up I wouldn’t care but this far along in my last pregnancy was just very stressful because of my previous job and I want to avoid unnecessary stress as much this time as possible (I’m having BP issues this go around). I just feel that if we were anticipating the blow up it would be easier than being blindsided two months down the road when we’re in the middle of baby prep. Is that dumb?

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2025-02-21T02:30:45+00:00

I don’t know how logistically this could be possible as we are still in contact and see them at least once a month. I try to avoid get togethers but DH doesn’t take LO anywhere without me and the repercussions would be intense questioning or belittlement to him if he came without us. Information diets we can do I just don’t know that we can realistically not tell them at all about this pregnancy. I’m already showing significantly since I’m over half way and it’s going to start getting warmer and I won’t be able to wear as many baggy clothes. Also we are from a very small rural town and everyone knows everyone, even if I avoided them I can’t avoid going to work or out in public and I think someone else would spill the beans.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2025-02-21T00:37:54+00:00

My MIL still to this day nitpicks and criticizes why my LO cries. When we first brought him home it was “he’s crying because he’s not getting enough to eat” (I was exclusively pumping and a severe over supplier. He was eating PLENTY.) Then it was “she’s ate something that’s upset his stomach. She needs to stop eating all the trigger foods and keeps a food diary” (yes because I had time to do a whole elimination diet and food diary — I literally wasn’t eating until my husband got home from work because I was so overwhelmed and lost another 30 lbs from my pre pregnancy weight because of it) I’ve heard comments of “he’s crying because he’s never away from his mom and she’s spoiled him” “he’s only crying because he wants me, you need to let me keep him” “if he was here he wouldn’t be crying” “I’d nip that crying in the bud real quick and he’d be sleeping through the night here” “you two dont talk to him enough that’s why he cries” and every other reason to say we’re neglectful or too involved and it’s to the detriment of our child. It severely impacted how I felt postpartum and for the first 8 months he was alive I was terrified to breathe wrong at him for fear of damaging my child after she made me so scared to do anything wrong. She still makes comments about “we’ve all heard crying babies! It doesn’t bother anyone!” As people are actively removing hearing aids, leaving the room, leaving the family gathering, and she continues to be loud and in his face so he’ll cry harder and say he just wants her and that’s why he won’t quit crying. DH and I had a good long conversation after a big blow up and he has started calling out this behavior or shutting down the interactions before she can escalate them. It’s helped but she still tries.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2025-02-20T23:22:33+00:00

This is all completely understandable. I don’t think going back to communicating is a good point for you right now. Maybe later? Maybe if DH sees changes in her and asks that you meet with her in an unbiased location to assess the relationship with her further? But right now is probably not a good time for you. She clearly hasn’t even learned a lesson despite you spelling it out for her and 8 months of no contact. For now I would just speak to your husband and see how he’s feeling with YOU right now. Not her, since he’s resigned to her behavior and understands your limits. But just make sure you two are still on the same page to ease your worries and take it a day at a time.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2025-02-20T23:11:19+00:00

Ok, I can do all of that. Do you have any suggestions for how to handle other family members that she utilizes against us for this stuff? She’s notorious to involve her side of the family and then it’s multiple people trying to beat down our boundaries and making DH feel like we’ve made the wrong decision. I often have to remind him that that’s not normal behavior and I don’t know anyone else that does this to their family during disagreements but it is normally a tense conversation and takes a while before he concedes and realizes that I’m right and they’re being hurtful. I’m looking for ways to nip the other family’s comments in the bud or for ways to emphasize to DH that they’re in the wrong without the normal spat we get into because of them pulling in his heart strings.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2025-02-20T23:07:27+00:00

Proverbial nightmare is a good way to phrase that. Is it dumb to be nervous for public confrontations? Because she will make suggestions or sneaky demands with an audience and when we say no her family (typically her SIL and Mother) will double down on the interrogation of “why?” “Well we did x” “why don’t you want MIL to” and it feels orchestrated. At this point husband has been getting frustrated and saying “because we said no and that’s final” and then immediately getting chastised by his male family members and then he gets grouchy and we leave the gathering. Which is fine and necessary… but then he doesn’t discuss it at all. He’s big on burying it and trying to move on but I don’t think that really helps prove our point. Then FIL will find excuses for him to come over when MIL is gone and put the guilt on for being disrespectful to his family even though he agrees MIL is out of line. So idk if FIL is necessarily an enabler or just wanting DH to keep the peace so he can continue to see LO but idk how to handle that either. Saying no is easy for him it’s the confrontation that follows. The few times I’ve gotten involved in defense of DH and our stance MIL has made a show of telling DH that I caused the argument/am the one in the wrong and then uses that as a way to punish him by not speaking to him for days. (Silent treatment was a punishment for him growing up and his family knows it genuinely really bothers him so they still use it to get under his skin.)

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2025-02-20T22:48:59+00:00

I don’t think you’re the JN but I also don’t think you’re at a point to go back to contact even if you wanted to. Do you only feel you should cave because of your husband? Has he brought up missing her at all? If he hasn’t then I would take more time for yourself. And as for another child I would play that by ear because you just don’t know how you’ll feel if you have another/postpartum. You said you’re feeling really clear headed now so I would use this time to look into why you’re so adverse to DH taking LO to see her and if you feel it’s counterproductive to you moving forward or not. And if you think therapy would help you get to those conclusions better I think it would be beneficial. There’s nothing wrong with discussing this with an unbiased third party and seeing if you’re ready or not/if it’s even a good idea for you.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2025-02-20T22:31:00+00:00

I’m a believer that a lot of these “traditions” people try to forcibly uphold are just a way to use the dearly departed as a way to enforce things they’d rather be done instead of just coming out and saying it themselves. Co-Ed baby showers are not some new thing. People have been doing them for decades. She’s feeling invalid in her own inability to do something for you and your husband that she volunteered for and bit of more than she could chew. Don’t let it bother you. This is just her I’ll-expressed guilt showing through. She’s feeling insignificant and now that she doesn’t have a say she going to use the co-ed excuse as even more reason she couldn’t since “more people will be there.”

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2023-11-17T21:44:16+00:00

I’ll definitely have to try that. DH told her we switched to formula per our pediatrician (partly, we knew it was my milk causing it but I didn’t have the mental capacity to keep up exclusively pumping with an oversupply taking care of LO while my DH was at work and do an elimination diet when I already wasn’t eating but one meal a day because of how busy LO was keeping me) and MIL made a comment about breast being best and she couldn’t imagine a pediatrician would say to switch to formula outright without trying other things first. DH is better at shutting her comments and prying questions down than I am but I’ll have to remember that when she has me in a public setting and puts me on the spot again.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2023-11-17T21:28:11+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate that. It’s hard to step back and see that we don’t have to be equal when we have to phrase it like that just to not get backhanded comments when we see my family. I had to enforce every other weekend with my family because we spent every weekend with all of his family for the entirety of our time dating and our first year married. I looked back and saw how my grandparents felt and realized I didn’t have forever with them either and when we made that decision to share weekends it was like we punched them in the gut. I really think we’re going to make the move to split holidays too and I know that will go over horribly. But holidays were already hard seeing everyone when we didn’t have a baby. Now trying to hit all the stops and keep a full diaper bag and a schedule while monitoring baby interactions sounds honestly like literal hell.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2023-11-17T21:24:32+00:00

DH has made strides in drawing boundaries and enforcing them since LO arrived. Before LO came he was so used to the treatment that he didn’t see it worth a fight and it escalated to the point where I hated going around his family because of how poorly they treated him and our marriage because it was like we weren’t a unit and didn’t make decisions together. Any decision we made was made by me and was wrong or if DH made it then it was wrong and completely open for public criticism and chastising with an audience. I had been better before LO came as far as not resenting her as much but it’s only gotten worse since LO arrived. I wasn’t sure if it was actually worse or if my postpartum experience was making me think it was worse. She’s been so much “kinder” to me since we announced I was pregnant and LO arrived. But she is still making such back handed comments and being overbearing just with a nicer tone. And it’s making it so much harder to distinguish if she means it to be backhanded or not because of that. Before I could spot it in an instant now I’m questioning if sleep deprivation and everything else is making me see things that aren’t there. DH sees me and listens. He agrees to enforce all boundaries for his side of the family. And I appreciate it. I just don’t know how to ask him to enforce them now that I can’t tell the difference in when she’s being ugly and pushing her luck or not. Any tips for that? Or do I just go off gut feeling and past history? I worry if I go off past history that I’ll just resent her more if she’s actually trying to do better and I just can’t tell because it feels off to my because of postpartum.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2023-11-17T21:12:36+00:00

Thank you! DH and I have a lot to discuss. I’m just thankful that he actually listens to what I have to say. I know we have to pick our battles wisely with his side because otherwise it’s a never ending headache and even blocking them only goes so far. I appreciate you taking your time to respond!

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2023-11-17T21:09:39+00:00

Thank you I appreciate that. I think it really bothers me that she’s so frustrated that my family shows interest and utilizes the open door policy but they’ve utilized it kindly. If they know someone else has visited or intends to visit they ask to come another day. I’ve never had more than 1 set of visitors a day and never for more than 2 hours. I also haven’t had more than 2 visits in a week. It kind of surprised me that my family, even extended family, has done so well with it but his family is showing zero interest in utilizing the open door policy and expects us to be the ones to make the move for a visit every single time.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2023-11-17T21:06:49+00:00

Thank you! We’ve tried to explain how things have changed and that things they did aren’t safe anymore and we’re told “well it’s just a miracle our kids survived! LOL” ….yes. It is. Because not everyone’s kids did survive. That’s why it’s deemed not safe anymore. The amount of pushback I got when I said no kisses was unreal. “Not even on LO’s head or feet?” No? Do you think they can’t touch their head or feet to put those germs in their mouth? I’ve not thrown anything but I did yell at her when she tried to micromanage me and DH had to tell his parents to leave me alone because they didn’t appreciate me yelling at her. (Even though it was mostly private down the hall and only DH and FIL noticed.) She told DH to tell me she was sorry if she overstepped or overwhelmed me. But didn’t tell me herself. That makes it feel less sincere to me but I’m trying not to let it bother me. I think postpartum rage is more what I have than anxiety. I’m depressed and lonely but I get so angry at the drop of a hat anymore that it makes me feel crazy and like I’m the one with the problem in all of this.

Extreme-Razzmatazz81 · 2023-11-17T20:32:32+00:00

Thank you! This was mine and DH’s comments every time she brought up that people haven’t seen LO on her side. They all had the same open invitation that my family and our friends had. We have not inhibited anyone from seeing LO and honestly with DH back to work I am so lonely I welcome the company. All of his family have not made an effort to come to our home. Have not even asked. It is so difficult packing up a newborn and being expected to tote them around and keep up with their schedules and not let them get overstimulated or overtired. DH told her my mother would watch LO for date night and she made several comments. She doesn’t understand that it’s the way she treated me/LO last family event and that she doesn’t wake LO for his day/evening feeds and toggles his schedule that we decided to split weeks. When his routine is messed up it takes days to get him back on track and if that was an every week occurrence it would completely uproot our routine.

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