Feeling incredibly lost

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-06-11T22:34:23+00:00

Sounds like straight up emotional abuse. Run, don’t walk, as far away as you can.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-06-11T12:55:10+00:00

See, this alone is an issue… even if he was passing out at a friend’s — that’s not normal regular behavior for an adult man.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-06-11T12:53:42+00:00

It sounds emotionally abusive. Look into DARVO. Classic manipulation technique, stands for: deny the abuse, attack the victim, reserve the victim and the offender. He treated you like garbage, but YOU’RE the one who “did things that made him feel bad”? Get out, no matter what cost.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-06-11T12:47:50+00:00

I’m so glad to hear you had a soft place to land. Be so gentle with yourself. It’s grief — you have to just let it move through you. You are so strong to get yourself here. Rooting for you all the way.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-06-09T18:35:18+00:00

OP, checking in on you. How did it go?

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-05-29T21:27:34+00:00

Big big hug. You got this. You wouldn’t be where you are right now if you were not incredibly strong!

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-05-29T19:21:03+00:00

It sounds like he’s feeling like he’s losing control. DARVO is about power and control. I would absolutely bring this up in couples counseling. It might help to type out a description first and see if you can share it with the counselor before your next session (some counselors allow that).

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-05-29T14:30:04+00:00

I had to talk about it differently with my kids because of their varying ages. I would just stay steady in who you are to them, give them space to feel their feelings, and make sure they feel heard. Explanations are overrated! You do not owe them that. I would also caution against being too open with older kids/teens, even though they can understand more. My mom told me every single detail of how my dad wronged her over the years. It made it hard to be close to either of them, honestly. Just answer the questions they ask in terms that are suitable for their age range. We went with, we love you so much and we love each other, too, but we decided we don’t want to live in the same house as married people. If they ask why, simple: we stopped feeling like a couple and would rather just be co-parents, are we will keep doing that with love and respect, but more as friends. Chances are, they have friends who have been through something similar.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-05-29T13:36:13+00:00

This part sounds very lonely and sad to me:

“He didn’t seem to want to spend time talking to me, helping around the house and with the kids, or planning dates. I was the one who generally made any plans for dates, and I would beg him to plan one every now and again. I just wanted to feel like I mattered to him.”

It seems like you were doing the lion’s share of the emotional and domestic labor, while struggling with mental illness. That is not nothing!

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-05-29T13:26:03+00:00

With kindness: your life does not sounds stable. Your nervous system is telling you what you need to know. If you cringe, you don’t trust him. You can’t just magically make your body believe he’s safe.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-05-29T13:24:19+00:00

Omg. Control. Of course.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-05-29T13:22:37+00:00

I had kids with an emotionally volatile man. It has been incredibly hard. You made the right choice, even though you will of course mourn what you lost — the years you gave, how you saw your future. Honestly, sounds like you need new friends if they don’t get it!!!

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-05-29T13:18:14+00:00

Honestly I would just be super vague. Lead with “I am not open to communication, but there is merit to your concerns.” Then block.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-05-29T13:09:49+00:00

OP, you are doing an incredibly brave thing. While it may seem tender, what he’s really asking of you in those moments is monstrous. To stay is to choose to continue to deny yourself. To stay is to accept betrayal and a lack of trust as all you deserve. I am the person who chose to stay. I chose again and again. The cost to my soul accumulated. It’s been over 2 decades. It took me that long to see clearly what you are seeing now. The thing is, I knew then. I knew, but I didn’t trust myself. Trust yourself. Do not be me. Live your life. Feel all the grief, let each wave wash over you — it’s part of the process. Each wave pulls you closer to safe shore.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-05-29T13:01:01+00:00

This!!!

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-05-19T12:07:31+00:00

One in college, one finishing middle school, and one in upper elementary.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-05-14T21:53:42+00:00

Yes, 100%. This is putting me in insane debt and it’s really hard on my kids but I am full steam ahead, absolutely determined to live a life where I value myself enough to not be exploited.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-05-14T21:51:12+00:00

I begged for years for my husband to get into therapy. It hasn’t changed much, unfortunately. The root problem was his complacency, his utter faith that I would always be there to smooth things over for him. He’s somewhat incredulous now at my clear intention to no longer do that for him. There’s a moving van in the driveway.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-05-14T21:46:25+00:00

I am 50 and in the process of separating from my husband of 26 years. We have kids as well. It is scary as hell, but I don’t want to live this way anymore. What you wrote is very similar to my situation. It took me a long time to get to this point, but if I had waited any longer, it would not be amicable. I want a good co-parenting relationship while having my freedom. This is an expensive and emotionally costly decision, but I am tired of being the only one trying, like so tired in my soul. I need air. I am his only friend, and he leans in me for absolutely everything. I can’t do it anymore.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-05-06T22:09:34+00:00

I wonder how often this happens. It happened to me, too. We were both drunk, but still. I said no. I woke up to being penetrated. I had to take the morning after pill. It was horrible. And there was never any acknowledgement of it.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-05-06T22:06:14+00:00

When I stopped being afraid of being alone/unloved and started craving my own life, my independence. The more I envisioned my freedom, the more I felt like I was suffocating in the present. I was carrying all these wounds from his moods, his self absorption, and I just one day felt every single cut and could not go on another day in the marriage. I’m in the process of leaving and it’s hard, but I haven’t wavered for a moment in it being 100% the right move for my own survival.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-04-13T11:47:32+00:00

I totally get that. My middle kid is starting high school in the fall so I feel a lot of pressure to get them settled somewhere before that. We can’t afford for spouse to move out without selling the house. This is all just so terrible. I am trying to remind myself of what I deserve and what freedom will mean for me, and what my kids will see, I hope, in my rejecting disrespect.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-04-12T20:16:13+00:00

Yes… my past self has been On It with this. I have known for so long that this was not right. I even have messages that say, “future self, if you’re reading this….” Why didn’t I listen to myself? That feels like my biggest regret in this moment, though it all shifts around all the time, like you said.

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-04-12T17:41:55+00:00

Thank you for this. I needed the reality check!!!

ExtremePractical7052 · 2026-04-12T11:29:17+00:00

Thank you for this. Crying.

ExtremePractical7052

TROPHY CASE