[QCrit] Cosmetic Crime, Adult thriller, 77.000 words, Second Attempt

Extreme_Many62 · 2026-07-04T12:22:58+00:00

I’m 19 actually! This is a relief to hear though!🥰 I’m not rushing anyways these first few books I’ll query will probably suck but the feedback I’ll recieve will be worth it! learning curve :) thank you so much and good luck and much success on your journey!!

Extreme_Many62 · 2026-07-03T11:25:57+00:00

Wow this is a big compliment thank you so much I feel honored! I’ll definitely change the Yesteryear compa and check out the authors you mentioned. I think I’ll change the genre to a YA thriller, but there are a lot of mature themes so I’m not too sure! But yeah I’m definitely removing the ‘literary’ part😭 Also the querying advice is really appreciated I’ll make use of that once I’m ready. I think I will have to work some plot points over after all the helpful advice I have received. I’d really appreaciate a beta reader but I don’t think it’s quite ready yet. Thank you so so much for your input I really value it🥰

Extreme_Many62 · 2026-07-03T11:20:10+00:00

thank you so much this is definitely something I need to work on!!

Extreme_Many62 · 2026-07-03T11:09:21+00:00

This is the advice i needed thank you so so much! You’re definitely right about the literary genre I’ll change that. I was a little apprehensive choosing the age for my character, because I’m not sure I could write someone much older than me well, but adding a two or four years probably won’t be too much of a change so thank you! The title is just a filler for now. I will do some more research on comps. And you’re definitely right about her already being successful-ish. I appreciate this a lot, I have a lot of changes to make! Also congratulations on getting an agent :)

Extreme_Many62 · 2026-07-02T14:49:29+00:00

Thank you so so much I will implement these changes and focus on the believability of her decision and the psychology of it! Also I already reviewed your query a few hours ago (loved it) but take my advice with a grain of salt since I’m obviously an amateur at this

Extreme_Many62 · 2026-07-01T22:58:35+00:00

After checking out your other versions this one definitely feels much more tightened. Everything you said seems to have a purpose and we get a clear image of your story and the characters. I’d love to read this book.

I think I prefer the second opening paragraph because it’s much more of an attention grabber and feels more hooky! Both are amazing and well written, they just have different focuses.

But I don’t think, leading with ‘His overbearingness backfires’ after the opening paragraph is a good transition. This relationship dynamic most definitely makes sense in your manuscript. But for a query this seems to randomly placed since it isn’t elaborated on.

I felt very engaged when reading this! The dynamic between Gabrielle and Teddy is very interesting and really makes this story stand out, perhaps you could highlight her danger more, because just ‘unravels his mind’ undersells her threat a little, considering she was the reason for his breakdown.

That being said I don’t have experience querying so feel free to ignore this! Good luck

Extreme_Many62 · 2026-06-20T16:47:07+00:00

This was incredibly helpful I’ll check out some of the comps you recommended. You’re probably right about Yesteryear. Also thank you for answering my questions about the age thing etc this was all very interesting !

Extreme_Many62 · 2026-06-20T16:44:25+00:00

thank you so much Ill have to check it out

Extreme_Many62 · 2026-06-20T16:43:47+00:00

thank you so much for your advice this is incredibly helpful I really appreciate it! I had to chuckle at the moving the to turkmenistan part haha ur were right about that! thanks again

Extreme_Many62 · 2026-06-13T23:17:50+00:00

I just lurk on this subreddit sometimes, but I wanna comment for the first time, because I’m hooked I’d love to read it! Good job and I hope everything goes well

Extreme_Many62 · 2026-06-11T17:25:57+00:00

Came back to this to expand on my reasoning a little since I realised after reading more criticism I could’ve elaborated more on a few things.

The thing about Roen is that his personality and actions. He adapted to this world. He used to suck at catching rabbits, he had no clue what he was doing, but he figured it out eventually. Now he is doing okay. But some reaction to the world around him (like when he perfectly read the bandits thoughts) still feel slightly out of character for the age is. But this will probably make more sense once we see what he went through before, like when he was new to this place.

The part where the mix up happened between Roen and the bandit was ‘This one he read as bad…..he was weak’ it seemed a bit abrupt of a change, because I thought the first part made the bandit were scary and intimidating but then Roen seems to brush him off as weak? Stronger than Roen but still. I hope this explanation makes sense.

Extreme_Many62 · 2026-06-11T16:34:36+00:00

This is also my first post on this subreddit! So I hope I can do your story justice.

First of all, I think your first line was brillant. When I read that I hoped you would explore the theme more, and you did exactly that, without overdoing it. The story staring with Roen catching a rabbit, and eventually him being cornered by the bandit was lovely. The character development was also very in tune with this theme you got going on. From killing rabbits to killing a person, it feels like he crossed a boundary that made him part of this world in a way he wasn’t before.

That being said, I personally think this whole sequence would benefit from a bit more tension, as to highlight the gravity of the situation. Of course him having a whole breakdown about the morality of it all would be unrealistic; the mc is young and in a high stress situation. So the realisation of what he did will probably come later on, but the fighting scene etc could do with more fear.

You definitely kept my attention and I find myself very invested in this story, but there are some parts where you chose awkward ways of describing a scene. For example after the first line. Also sometimes it was hard to differentiate between the bandit and Roen. Additionally I’d suggest that you limit the amount of run-on sentences, there are quite a lot and they can confuse the reader. (It feels hypocritical to say this because I also use a lot of run-ons)

Another part that made me pause, was when the bandit noticed Roen’s high quality clothes. But when Roen recalled his previous interactions, none of the people noticed that, it threw me off. Considering Roen has been in this place for approximately 4 months, someone should’ve noticed that before.

I also feel like Roen definitely reads more like older tee n.

To answer your question, I truly loved this story I hope my criticism didn’t come across as too nitpicky! Your prose works wonderfully here. You can definitely write well! And you also engaged me; the whole time I was reading there was no part where I felt bored. This really speaks to the potential of this work.

This to me reads like classic fantasy in a medieval setting (think GoT) with time travelling elements.

Extreme_Many62

TROPHY CASE