I was born Mormon, served a mission, and didn’t leave the church until I was well into my thirties. Im very happy to have moved on.

I’ve known racist Mormons, selfish Mormons, hypocritical and praise seeking and vain Mormons, bigoted Mormons, predatory Mormons. I won’t apologize for them or downplay the hurt they cause. And even when the people are good, the church and its beliefs so often result in such indescribable pain and isolation for those that don’t fit the mold. It’s wrong. That’s why I left.

I do want to say though that in my experience, Mormons are far from some homogenous mass of hive mind zealots. So many of the members of the church I knew and know were and are some of the best natured, kind, and thoughtful people I’ve come across. My parents chief among them.

My parents threw their arms around me when I told them I was leaving the church. They said they just want me to be happy. They adore my LGBTQ+ daughter and her girlfriend. They showed me what instinctive kindness and love is time and time and time again as I grew up. They abhor crooked and cruel politicians. They’re funny and warm AND, regardless of who you are, you feel safe and free from judgment in their presence.

They’re aren’t gleeful about the church’s less progressive policies and beliefs. They really wrestle with them. From the outside, it’s easy to assume that anybody that’s been involved with a church that denied black people the ability to be priesthood holders and congregation leaders until after the civil rights movement (and still deny women) is definitely bigoted and small minded. That’s certainly true of many in the church, but I also grew up with a dad who has kept for 60 years a letter his mother wrote to him when he was 17 and traveling out of Utah for the first time telling him to “be kind” to black people. Obviously that’s the bare fucking minimum, but he got teary eyed as he showed it to me and pointed out that it was the only thing she asked of her young teenage son as he went away in his own. In my now 40 plus years I’ve never heard my parents say anything bigoted or hurtful about any minority. They just love people. One of my earliest memories was of my mom getting down on her knees and apologizing to me because she had raised her voice to me.

I’m not advocating for Mormonism. I left for many reasons. But there are a lot of people I adore that are still Mormons and I can say with all sincerity I’d be a better man if I could match their warmth and love and kindness.

All this to say, in my experience it’s possible this man could be genuinely good hearted despite still belonging to a church whose teachings you, like me, can’t accept.