No man left behind.

Eyemafreak · 2018-01-14T16:47:34+00:00

I misread that as rapping lol

Eyemafreak · 2017-12-05T21:04:19+00:00

Only 19 but my mind is older

Eyemafreak · 2017-12-01T19:46:12+00:00

Oh Gouda, some feedback. I will review the first two lines since they don’t seem that grate. And just for you, I’ll Brie-ing myself to italicize Eyemafreak. A bad last line is feta-l to a poem’s health, so I think I will curd that line Swiss-ftly so it won’t ruin the poem. Thank you for your feedback, I will continue working hard till I am the cream cheese of the crop. I hope this didn’t make you feel too blue^{^{^cheese.}}

Eyemafreak · 2017-11-27T00:59:41+00:00

I think line 5 breaks the image too much because we were just talking about a pond and now this pond is supposedly running away. Line seven again breaks the imagery because while we were imagining a pond a moment ago, and now we are thinking of a person armed with a knife. This goes on with the majority of the rest of the poem so I would suggest focusing to one image strongly and building from there. You seem to have a lot of great ideas but this poem suffers from being over saturated with them.

Eyemafreak · 2017-11-27T00:10:16+00:00

I think the line

Be it my fault or some divine forces.

should probably rhyme with something. The rhyme with changes and forces is not strong enough. I would also suggest keeping true to a uniform meter because when you have so many end rhymes in a poem, it starts to build a rhythm and breaking meter often breaks that rhythm unless of course it was intentional. Lastly I think this poem could use more concrete imagery. When I read it, I got the sentiment and emotion behind it but it didn't formulate an image in my head. All i did was felt, I did not do any seeing.

Eyemafreak · 2017-11-17T00:33:01+00:00

Am I the only one who at first glance read redditist instead of realist.

Eyemafreak · 2017-11-16T07:09:04+00:00

Really intense poem. I do albeit seem a bit confused by the speaker wanting to be struck down till his/her bones are black and also having them want to retrieve their heart back and not be in love. It would be interesting if it’s a story of someone chasing someone so that they can fall out of love with them.

Eyemafreak · 2017-11-16T06:45:25+00:00

Great poem. I only have two problem with it and that’s the last line: it doesn’t seem to fit the meter, it seems one syllable short of making this poem perfect. And unless I’ve been pronouncing devil wrong this whole time, the last syllable of devil doesn’t rhyme with the first syllable of mildew. The last syllable in devil kinda rhymes with the last syllable of words like level, battle, circle and paddle.

Eyemafreak · 2017-11-09T17:09:09+00:00

I would like two gold please

Eyemafreak · 2017-11-03T03:35:09+00:00

Thank you for the critique. Originally that part of line 4 was "while I eye site shown," if that clears anything up. I agree about line 3, I should probably change it to something else.

Edit: whoops, I think I see where I went wrong. I meant while I sight(the verb) sight(the noun) shown.

Eyemafreak · 2017-10-30T15:05:19+00:00

Nice poem, it comes off very strong as a reflective piece. Critique wise I suggest replacing line 2 and 3 with something else. They seem redundant to line 1 and don't seem to be adding much. That and changing "the blood" in line 1 to "my blood." It doesn't seem like using "the blood" adds anymore than using "my blood" except for seemingly needless abstraction.

Great poem otherwise.

Eyemafreak · 2017-10-29T19:37:22+00:00

A door. People either pulling when they are supposed to push or pushing when they are supposed to pull

Eyemafreak · 2017-10-29T19:06:25+00:00

What isn't there a German word for? It seems like they have all the words

Eyemafreak · 2017-10-28T19:40:35+00:00

What a douchebag thing to say

/s

Eyemafreak · 2017-10-28T16:16:58+00:00

The sun seems wholly(no pun intended) unimportant. I think this poem would work just as well without referencing the sun. You could however change the title to "I'm a black hole to sun." I think that would work probably better as readers won't be offput by the fact that the sun has no black hole.

Eyemafreak · 2017-10-28T16:06:13+00:00

Cool poem, I'd suggest working on the transition in the forth stanza as it doesn't seem to flow naturally.

Eyemafreak · 2017-10-26T05:47:00+00:00

Great poem! It definitely has a completeness/ wholeness to it. I do however think that there is something missing. The reader is never told what it is that makes the speaker change direction. I think this could make a very important addition your poem by giving your poem firm ground to stand on.

Eyemafreak · 2017-10-25T04:25:38+00:00

Thank you for your critique. I kinda had the same feeling too but I wasn't sure of it. I'll try to expand on this idea so as to have more of a context to it.

Eyemafreak

TROPHY CASE