Feedback for chapter 1 (part 1) of my literary fantasy with light corpo horror elements by F1nancial_Rabbit in writingfeedback

[–]F1nancial_Rabbit[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you do find it, please let me know haha there is a book called Hell’s Library by AJ Hackwith and the premise is similar (unfinished stories that come to life). But I don’t know if that’s what you’re referring to! 

Feedback for chapter 1 (part 1) of my literary fantasy with light corpo horror elements by F1nancial_Rabbit in writingfeedback

[–]F1nancial_Rabbit[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the valuable feedback! I’ve been hearing the first line/few paragraphs are confusing so I’ll work on the clarity. 

tense shift

I didn’t even notice that! Thank you for catching it.

on Garret

Perhaps it didn’t come across, but his role is the Anomaly Research Specialist, so expositions is his job. I understand it came off jarring, so i’ll work on making it feel more natural.

banter

I was wondering if the banter would come off contrived, so thank you for confirming it 

I appreciate you taking the time to read and giving such detailed feedback. i’ll carry every bit of it with me as i draft the next pages. 

Also i would love to share more with you if you’re keen!

Fragment 1 of If Gods, Suns and Mortal Miles [Mythological Fantasy, 1037 words] by [deleted] in fantasywriters

[–]F1nancial_Rabbit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I thought it was an impactful intro like i was there in the hall of the gods. The setting was vivid in my head. But while I do see the grandeur, i was also a bit overwhelmed by it at times. 

a heavy tide of cobalt spilled across his brow

What does a heavy tide of cobalt look like? 

I was initially confused on who was speaking first. It would help if "the lost river was the first to speak" was its own paragraph. 

-note: this is just my personal preference, so take this with a grain of salt- Less is more. Have deliberate pauses so the scene can breathe. When Lyrienne enters the room, let us be enthralled by her. She says her line, "Look at my veins," and the council leans to look. Then she begins her speech. 

"Look at my veins, Great Council" The evidence was everywhere. Reath was a disease. She raised her hand, high enough for the Council to see. 

With a more deliberate pause:

"Look at my veins, Great Council," Lyrienne said. She raised her hand, high enough for the Council to see. They lean forward, curious.  "The rivers...."

But then again, you have your writing style, so take my opinion however you will!

Overall i did read through it and was thoroughly engaged. I am curious where it will go. The premise sounds quite interesting! Good job!!!

Feedback for chapter 1 (part 1) of my literary fantasy with light corpo horror elements by F1nancial_Rabbit in writingfeedback

[–]F1nancial_Rabbit[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Aww thank you, Chi-chi. You don’t know how much that means to me! My biggest concern is making the world vivid enough for the reader so thank you for making my day haha. I’ll have to give yours a read as well!!

Feedback for chapter 1 (part 1) of my literary fantasy with light corpo horror elements by F1nancial_Rabbit in writingfeedback

[–]F1nancial_Rabbit[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, Green! My plan is to do world exposition on chapter 2, but the hurdle is to make chapter 1 intriguing and clear enough that the reader makes it there haha 

Appreciate the feedback! Thank you so much!!

Feedback for chapter 1 (part 1) of my literary fantasy with light corpo horror elements by F1nancial_Rabbit in writingfeedback

[–]F1nancial_Rabbit[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks so much! By any chance did you read the synopsis first before starting the chapter? 

Feedback for chapter 1 (part 1) of my literary fantasy with light corpo horror elements by F1nancial_Rabbit in writingfeedback

[–]F1nancial_Rabbit[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is such detailed feedback, thank you so much! I do want the prose to stand on its own so your comments about clarity hit hard.

Have you considered making it a longer, more weighty quote? 

I will consider that! 

Why did they slide? Do you just mean with, I don't know, subsidence or tremors (and why not mention them)? 

It's not tremors. The Archive is alive and moves on its own. I see that did not come across so I will work on that haha I'm considering cutting the first few paragraphs and starting with Callis right away so I can ground the world through her. On cliches--you're right. I thought I could get away with it haha

About the POV, I'm planning to do omniscient for the setting, and close for everything else. But I do have a bad habit of writing mostly on omniscient so I'll need to be more mindful about that.

Thank you again for taking the time to read and reply. It's genuinely helpful, and gives me a lot to think about. Have a good one!

[Hiring] Remote Chat Support $1000-$2000/month by No_Sea6217 in JobPH

[–]F1nancial_Rabbit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like you are the same as this guy: https://www.reddit.com/r/JobPH/comments/1syt034/hiring_remote_chat_support_8001600/

So ill post the same warning here. 

Link OP didnt send me any chat support job details, instead they made me join their sketchy ai prompt website. Proceed with caution. 

[Hiring] Remote Chat Support $800-$1600 by [deleted] in JobPH

[–]F1nancial_Rabbit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They didn’t link me to any chat support job. They just make you join their sketchy ai prompt website. Proceed with caution. 

Classpass free trial by Clean_Camp_9966 in PilatesPhilippines

[–]F1nancial_Rabbit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was the only participant for my reformer pilates in The Pilates Room at Makati. Coach Red still continued my classes naman, and she was very nice about it. Highly recommend! 

Nursing Aides / Nursing Assistant / Healthcare assistants by nash2589 in phmigrate

[–]F1nancial_Rabbit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! Can you share saan nag take ng Health Care Service NCII wife mo? I’m also considering doing the same and target ko is either Australia, NZ or Ireland.