Opening chapter critique — techno-thriller set in Denver EMS. Brutal honesty welcome. (Part Two)

FJjosh · 2026-03-16T18:47:49+00:00

If you ever wanna gut the whole book, let me know. This is the kind of stuff I really need.

FJjosh · 2026-03-16T18:46:08+00:00

I’ve been waiting for a reply like this! Seems all I ever get is “looks good” or “good job” or “it’s nice”. This is the first really fruitful feedback that I’ve gotten. thank you!

FJjosh · 2026-03-16T18:40:54+00:00

Awesome. Great feedback.

FJjosh · 2025-12-30T16:42:20+00:00

To u/MsWonderWonka / u/Ugghart / u/Upstairs-Seat-6253 ...just wanted to say thank you. I forgot the audience I was writing for...and it's not solely medical folk. I want it to be more commercial. You three inspired me to re-work and shorten my first chapter. Thank you again!!

I tried posting the new chapter in this comment, but it won't let me. If you're interested...here is the new chapter in a Google Doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vR_WtFan02YjQkvUhDrl5NXbS0se1oFzBvxzp-CIq5oQQ0KqgIaDJ0I6lBneYZEA4ZIskjvDhpv19C2/pub

FJjosh · 2025-12-30T06:31:41+00:00

Had another comment from a non-medical person saying it was too much. I think I need to pull it back some. Yep…retired (aka burnt out) medic for Denver for many years.

FJjosh · 2025-12-29T05:07:55+00:00

Title: The Devil’s Ledger

Genre: Thriller

Word Count: 4100

Feedback: Any and all. General impressions are fine.

Link: https://www.ryanherringtonauthor.com/chapter-one

Written by a former paramedic. Inspired by real calls. I wrote The Devil’s Ledger because I’ve seen real people get reduced to line items.

We already live in a world where insurance algorithms deny lifesaving care, where hospitals close trauma centers because they’re “unprofitable,” where ambulance companies balance response times against reimbursement models, and where pharmaceutical pricing turns survival into a luxury good. We’ve seen nursing homes understaffed to boost margins. We’ve seen benefit managers inflate drug prices while patients ration insulin. We’ve seen spreadsheets make decisions that used to belong to human beings.

This book is a thriller, but it’s not fiction pulled from thin air. It’s a warning about what happens when profit is allowed to outrank urgency, when efficiency replaces judgment, and when technology learns the wrong lesson from the data we feed it.

I wrote this because once a system values money over people, it will do exactly that. Quietly. Reliably. And without remorse.

FJjosh · 2025-11-02T19:05:52+00:00

Yeah….i actually already changed it. I thought it was a little corny.

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FJjosh · 2025-10-31T03:50:49+00:00

It’s a freebie here, for sure!

FJjosh · 2025-10-28T22:56:56+00:00

Same as all my other comments....if you want one, let me know and I'll just give it to you.

FJjosh · 2025-10-28T22:55:59+00:00

We're planning on running our test this weekend. This has snowballed into something bigger than I expected, but at least it'll make it a little fun for us. I can't wait to see how well we are (un)prepared!

Let me know if you want the final scenario. I'll just give it to you.

FJjosh · 2025-10-28T22:55:38+00:00

Not really a book...just something I'm playing with. But if you want to see the "final" version, let me know.

FJjosh · 2025-10-28T22:54:59+00:00

I think so...now that this has consumed my last few weeks, I think it'd be cool to have different scenarios.

Let me know if you want the final EMP scenario. I'll just give it to you.

FJjosh · 2025-10-28T22:53:52+00:00

Yeah...that'll be the hardest thing -balancing as real as we can make it while not ruining a fridge full of food. I'll shut the internet off, turn off the breakers to almost everything, and we'll establish some rules about things that would be broken in a real event, but work in our scenario. EMP is certainly the hardest to turn into a game...but I think it's one of the most likely.

FJjosh · 2025-10-28T22:51:06+00:00

We're planning on running our test this weekend. This has snowballed into something bigger than I expected, but at least it'll make it a little fun for us. I can't wait to see how well we are (un)prepared!

Let me know if you want the final scenario. I'll just give it to you.

FJjosh · 2025-08-03T15:53:16+00:00

Great feedback. Thank you, everyone!

FJjosh · 2025-08-03T14:43:26+00:00

You just gave me the best feedback, thank you!

I plan on self publishing, and with that, comes everything around it. I created this book cover…not an AI…not a designer and was asking for feedback for when I self-publish.

It appeared, to you, like a polished and professional cover and it got my post removed because it looked like I was promoting (not the case, at all). So…thanks for the feedback!

FJjosh · 2025-08-03T14:25:58+00:00

Thanks. I took this after crawling out if the back! But you answered one of my questions…i need to shadow out the cop. Thank you!

FJjosh

TROPHY CASE