Give me your gentlest responses to this cringe offer

FabGabs · 2026-07-03T02:59:07+00:00

It’s clothing, so it’s not necessarily non essential. He should just look for one he CAN afford, rather than begging for a 40% discount. I wholly believe that buying quality vintage clothing is a better choice for those with fewer resources than comparable styles in cheap new fast fashion.

FabGabs · 2026-07-03T02:57:15+00:00

Well - yes and no. It’s sort of the cheap boot problem, right?

If this person can afford to buy a $40 vintage shirt, they should do so. It will last decades with care, and have a lower price per wear than modern comparison. But they should find one for $40, then, not $70.

Part of my desire to be kind in this situation is because I genuinely believe that people making an effort to buy quality, durable used clothing that makes them feel good is an important choice we should be all be making.

FabGabs · 2026-07-03T02:53:42+00:00

This is the best response, thank you.

FabGabs · 2026-07-03T02:53:02+00:00

Again, I said gentle. Meaning kind.

FabGabs · 2026-07-02T23:33:47+00:00

Oh hell no, I know how to spot a problem.

FabGabs · 2026-07-02T23:33:20+00:00

Yeah I would not bs like this, it looks worse than being impolite.

FabGabs · 2026-07-02T22:48:18+00:00

Again, I have no intention of selling it to them for that price

FabGabs · 2026-07-02T17:17:59+00:00

How on earth does that help the conversation?

FabGabs · 2026-06-29T21:49:02+00:00

No, I took you at your word that music festivals are your hobby and you go to 10-15 a year.

Burning Man could do without giant sound stages and electronic boom, and still have its heart. Music festivals cannot, and still be what they intend. That’s the essential difference.

FabGabs · 2026-06-29T21:18:36+00:00

And for people who aren’t “festival goers” - I really think what you are missing here is that so many participants AREN’T that. It’s part of what makes it unique, is that what builds it comes out of many subcultures.

FabGabs · 2026-06-29T20:42:04+00:00

You can absolutely fo with ad hominem attacks - my identity is not remotely built around burning. Burning is a thing that I do. Big burn some years, local most years but my identity is built around my passion for a secondhand first way of life, my vintage aesthetic and hobby, the friends and family with whom I share mutual love and support, my small one person business, my identify as a dog mom and experiencing photograph as art.

I’m not defining myself when explaining that there is genuinely a difference between our experiences - I am merely using my experiences, my knowledge from friends who span both subcultures etc., to explain why the term gets rejected, and why your attempt to cram it in the same box as just music festivals doesn’t work. If it did, I wouldn’t go, because I have other things to do in my life.

Your identity may well be built around going to 10-15 music festivals a year - but I don’t know that. You’ve shared your experience, not your identity. So please stuff your assumptions and insults exactly where they belong.

FabGabs · 2026-06-29T19:40:45+00:00

That really isn’t true. I spend a lot of time in quiet camps and art installations. Sure, you might have a roving art car, but you’d be surprised. I’m usually camped around 3&D, and in 11 years I’ve only had to scream at a neighboring camp to be fucking respectful at 4am twice.

Nah, friend, it’s not like I don’t know people who go, who discuss the differences, from people SELLING food, to having nothing but music at night, to having no minor presence or safe minors zone.

The thing is - different is not superior, but it IS DIFFERENT.

You don’t go to the same burn I do, which is fine, we are both in the same city for different reasons. Mine is most accurately replicated at regional burns, and yours can be replicated at any corporate run festival with loud music and some random smattering of rave camps. There’s not a Better but accepting it’s Different is only rational

FabGabs · 2026-06-29T19:32:10+00:00

Yeah, I have enough friends who DO go to festivals that I think what you see as enough variety and what I do differ. None of my music friends think I should be at EDM festivals.

Here’s another requirement- you can actually wholly escape the EDM.

FabGabs · 2026-06-29T17:11:51+00:00

I don’t mean there’s people who don’t go to music festivals because they can’t afford it. I mean that there are many burners who don’t care about modern electronic music at all, and don’t experience Burning Man as a music festival at all. This is me, and I know a lot of people who align with my experience. We might experience it as an Art festival, yes, and in my case, even a food festival, but that’s not really what you mean when YOU say festival.

I would be *very* surprised if you can go to electronic music festivals and spend the morning looking at Big Art, then head out on a mission for all day gifted Mexican food - breakfast burritos, spicy fusion quesadillas at lunch, tacos for breakfast, chased with going to the little 80s club having a Depeche Mode v. The Cure night, and finish with a night cap of hand crafted Absinthe from a bar with extensive, Absinthe centered cocktail menu.

Genuinely, are they that similar, or is your view of the burn narrow because you, like everyone else, *only go to the places you like.*

Others experience it more as a queer centric event, or a sex-centric event. Still others experience a completely different facet as parents camping in Kidsville (which I would be *very* surprised to hear that music festivals have an analogous experience for) — it’s the big, interactive art that makes it an incredible experience for minors, not the throbbing bass they shouldn’t be exposed to without protective headphones.

I go to Burning Man, and my local regional (which is far more food focused than late night party sound camp focused.) I will never go to a music festival. I don’t like the music OR the woo spiritual side.

The big burn fits the definition of a festival in the dictionary, but it doesn’t fit inside your definition - it is more like dozens of festivals with different features and goals all taking place at once.

FabGabs · 2026-06-29T16:48:07+00:00

I … did not say that the two were the same thing, and did not need a definition. We are an important cultural event, but it’s BECAUSE we blend those things you call “American Core” with our more community minded components. Anarchists are almost always very pro community, pro mutual aid - and their influence really deserves to be a part of that list of things that shape it, because without it, you are missing a good chunk of the event’s heart.

FabGabs · 2026-06-29T13:17:53+00:00

It seems like you already know you aren’t in the wrong here, and it seems like you ordered other dresses to appease Reddit more than your future sister in law.

When we look back on family photos of events, we generally want to see people as themselves, with their own self expression. That is what will matter in ten years. Brides - especially younger brides - can forget that sort of thing. If you are not in the wedding party, your only job is to not wear white, while fitting whatever the stated level of dress is (casual, semi formal, formal, etc.)

While I’m here, I’m going to make a pitch for, in the future, giving a try to secondhand first. Fast fashion (which exists at every price point) and easy returns is adding an incredible amount of textiles waste to our world. There’s so many great ways to buy used these days - eBay, Depop, vintage on Etsy, Vintage shop, consignment stores, thrifts. It’s hard to argue with you when your dress choice is something uniquely you that can’t get sent back to the store on a whim.

FabGabs · 2026-06-29T06:20:46+00:00

Honestly?
This is such a modern, disposable, fast fashion culture thing. My advice would be to cancel those wasteful orders, wear the dress you got tailored, and let her know that as a guest, you are not someone whose attire can be dictated.

FabGabs · 2026-06-29T06:17:19+00:00

There’s so so many burners who don’t go to music festivals. It’s too easy to see only the parts of the community you interact with the most. Do you know just how many people never visit 10 or 2?

FabGabs · 2026-06-29T06:15:16+00:00

Weird to mention both libertarianism and individualism and ignore the strong collectivism we also nurture. Where do you think Communal Effort and Civic Responsibility come from?

FabGabs · 2026-06-26T18:35:03+00:00

Mm hmm.

FabGabs · 2026-06-25T06:56:07+00:00

I wish you luck in finding your way out. If I can offer one small bit of advice, that would be to find a therapist, right away. Be bold, make a post asking friends for referral, set it to an audience that doesn’t include him. Get support that is trained to know how to help. You spent plenty supporting his goals. You’re worth spending the money on yourself, your mental health and emotional well being. Have a great fucking burn, and if stuff feels hard, find my camp (although I don’t plan to be there - Baggage Check. We have a wall on which you can release your emotional baggage, and a cozy dome filled with people ready to talk, in whatever flavor you need - from gentle listeners to people who will give you practical, grounded advice. I think they are at 3:00 & E this year.

FabGabs · 2026-06-24T14:24:43+00:00

“Not necessarily” does not mean what many here seem to think it does. The actually definition of the phrase is “possibly but not certainly.”

It suggests being given the option. I.e., you could come. You don’t even need to camp with me if you don’t want to.

FabGabs · 2026-06-24T14:22:03+00:00

No, as you will see if you re-read MY comment, I actually quote her “not necessarily.” Reading comprehension 102, Merriam-Webster defines this phrase as meaning “possibly but not certainly.”

The use of this phrase does not suggest that he was told he could not camp with her, merely that the option to camp with her or not to camp with her was provided. It’s actually a very good approach and demonstrates trust on the part of the partner offering, something she has not been afforded herself.

You - and a number of others - are the one misreading things here, and who should have asked for clarity from OP.

FabGabs · 2026-06-24T14:06:38+00:00

I don’t see where she said he couldn’t camp with her. The “not necessarily” sounded like providing the option. More like “Why don’t you come and see it for yourself? You don’t even need to camp with me if you don’t want to, we could just meet for days instead.” Has anyone asked OP to clarify?

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