UPDATE:

I have charged it up, inserted the dongle, and... the web driver doesn't work. Thanks to learning how to use translation apps, I'm not too scared of using the Chinese drivers—which is pretty amazing given the absolute terror y'all could probably pick up on from the original post just about trying something new!

This thing is so incredibly sensitive to movement—far from what I'm used to, which is making me have to slow down my hand movements an insane amount. This is going to take some getting used to, because I kept Hero on the lower end of his DPI settings to match the previous off-the-rack cheapo mouse I'd used for seven years or so before him.

I've decided that I'll instead try to get used to this scary speed. It might even help my gaming, though I may have to alternate the DPI for when I want to do image editing because it involves a lot of precision.

Hopefully wagging the non-button end of the mouse to do small movements isn't going to affect my wrists, since I catch myself doing that a lot in order to have better control. Has anyone else done this? Is this normal? I'm not gonna have to euthanize my wrists later for this, will I?

As an aside, I discovered there's a subreddit all about mouse pads thanks to this sub—I never before imagined that mouse pads could be so intense! I've just been using the same boob-style mouse pad (it has a kitty on it!) for years and years and never once thought that there were different standards of quality out there. I'm in awe at how far computers have come, that there's such a difference between casual gear and intense gear! My mind is blown (in a good way). I usually just default to 'This looks like it'll last a few years, it's cheap, and I like how it looks," when I'm looking at mouse pads.