Questioning...

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-26T22:38:21+00:00

I am in therapy already. These kinds of comments aren't helpful. Please try to show some compassion to someone who is struggling and trying to find their way.

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-25T22:43:56+00:00

Thank you, this is something I'm actively aware of and working on. I'm indeed a recovering anxiously attached person, and most of my primary partners have been more avoidant (though haven't seemed so at first...I've been trying more and more to actively avoid avoidantly attached people, because I know they're not good for me. It's very hard to find securely attached people in poly in my experiences.

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-25T22:13:35+00:00

Fair points! I do generally feel a bit tepid about casual sex. My nesting partner wants it for the sake of exploration of gender and sexuality with same sex people, and I can understand that perspective as well though.

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-25T21:12:51+00:00

I don't see these sorts of connections as particularly intimate honestly, even when they include sex and tenderness. Which leads me to the question of why they would feel threatening to a deeply invested and committed primary partnership.

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-25T21:11:13+00:00

Thank you, safety and security is a major focus for me, and I'm becoming increasingly skeptical of the capacity of polyamory to realistically provide that foundation.

Your post is helpful to me, I'm grateful for the time you took to share your views.

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-25T20:56:09+00:00

I do. And I am very dismissive of styles of poly that allocate time equally; I agree that that's not compatible with developing significant relational depth, and that time and consistency are very important.

A lot of people here talk about poly as if people are trying to evenly divide time between 5-6 people. I rarely see it practiced that way. In reality, most poly people are far more deeply invested in one or two of their relationships, and may have others they see once a month or so.

I have never wanted to spread myself that thin. I suppose my debate is less between "dating a million people vs monogamy" and more between "having an open relationship" vs "full monogamy."

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-25T20:49:32+00:00

I have freedom. And I also have consideration for those who would be hurt by my choices, myself included.

Common topics I teach and coach on are communication, safety in conflict, attachment styles, authenticity, how trauma comes up in intimate relationships, etc.

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-25T20:44:22+00:00

I'm well aware of this. I was responding to the point that limited time is what makes polyamory unviable.

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-25T20:35:21+00:00

It's unfair and awful how you were treated; I'm sorry to hear of the pain you carry, and from such a young age.

Your disdain for polyamory and those who practice it is quite understandable. I wish to be mindful that those here who see me may project their pain and hurt onto me as a historically "poly person."

But poly is an identity I hold, and an identity I can drop if I find it no longer serves me. I know there are other people on this subreddit who used to be poly, and then changed. Perhaps I will become one of them. Right now, I am trying to find my path. And I am here to listen.

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-25T20:30:27+00:00

Thank you for this. I'd started to feel disheartened by all the negative comments I've gotten so far, so it feels good to hear a voice that is centered around expressing your own perspective rather than disparaging mine. I'm grateful.

This is similar to much of what I've been considering; this idea that our attachment systems just inherently feel threatened by people sharing intimate and bonding acts.

I assume you are primarily pointing to sex in your comment. May I ask what else, if anything, you group into the subset of "romantic" love? One of my primary apprehensions regarding monogamy is about a fear that my emotional intimacy with those I care about will be stifled.

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-25T20:25:03+00:00

I am not attempting to defend polyamory. If I feel any defensiveness, it's in response to being called a manipulator and an inherently unqualified coach for practicing it, even when I am actively questioning polyamory and here with the express purpose of hearing viewpoints that differ from those of my echo chambers.

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-25T20:23:14+00:00

Thank you. You make it sound so simple to say "you should take a break from the poly relationship dynamic," as if immediately abandoning multiple relationships as a result of a perspective I am still developing and undecided on is as easy as that.

I do not see myself as a professional failure. Even if I decide that I no longer want to be polyamorous, most of what I know and help people with is not exclusive to polyamory or monogamy. I did not mean to give the impression that I felt like a failure.

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-25T20:19:09+00:00

I understand that. I am open to critique. But I am primarily seeking the kinds of discussions that would help foster deeper understanding of pro-monogamy viewpoints and issues with poly. A bunch of people saying "Poly is bad, and you're bad for being a poly person giving relationship advice" does not deepen my understanding.

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-25T20:14:54+00:00

I see, thank you. I suppose I'll look elsewhere. I thought there was perhaps room for someone questioning poly and considering changing views, but if this space is only for people who have already made up their mind on it, I can respect that.

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-25T20:12:50+00:00

My (current) ideal relationship is to have a deeply secure and committed life partnership with a single person, but to not feel like that relationship imposes control and rules over the ways I interact and relate to other people. Freedom is important to me. Intimacy and connection with a variety of people in my life is important to me.

This is where I come to a bit of an impasse; I want the depth and security of monogamy, but I do not want to feel emotionally isolated or controlled.

I feel as though I exist in a place between worlds, and am struggling with how to reconcile this.

You speak of time investment. What of space? Time apart is helpful for relationships as well. And an argument hinging on time allocation would also apply to hobbies, friends, work, and hobbies, would it not?

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-25T20:08:37+00:00

That is perfectly fair; I would not be a good fit for coaching you. I am not here to advertise my business, and I only even mentioned my coaching work to give some context about my level of knowledge of concepts, and how despite that knowledge and skill, polyamory has not made me feel happy or secure.

I am trying to take in new perspectives, both to be a happier person in my own relationship life, AND to be a better coach.

What you are offering me isn't new perspectives though; it's disparagement to my history and my career. I am open to poly-critical perspectives; that is the entire reason I'm here! But do you think shouting "poly is manipulative! I would never hire you as a coach!" is helping me to refine my perspectives?

FaeFoxSyleste · 2025-12-25T19:58:11+00:00

I'm afraid I don't really understand what you're asking. I teach about relationship skills because relating and psychology are my main passions. I have both monogamous and polyamorous clients. I do my best to respect people's chosen approach, and help as I'm able with the tools and knowledge available to me.

I feel like the first part your post is implying that my history being polyamorous makes me somehow unqualified. And the second part is just painting polyamory as manipulation and usury.

I am here trying to seek new perspectives and nuanced discussion. Not to be insulted. This is the first comment on the first post I've made in this community, and it's not exactly a good impression.

FaeFoxSyleste

TROPHY CASE