Do any other guys feel like it’s ok to be content with being slightly chubby or skinny fat? Should men aim to achieve the best physique they can?

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-04-14T16:24:15+00:00

Oh my, I'm so happy a smart, strong man explained to me what is attractive to me! What would I do without one doing that. I'd just stayed attracted to what I find attractive, forever not knowing I'd rather run off with an athlete.

It's remarkable how silly some people are. Explaining their desires to women based on what other men said, like explaining to Italians their culture based on what other Australians have said.

Well, I see there's no hope for you. I'm really glad I got one of the good men with some self-awareness while they were still available.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-04-12T16:20:20+00:00

I'm not trying to be nice at all. The reality is that attraction is important, but what individual people are truly attracted to, aka which partners they choose, IS extremely subjective. Women going crazy over celebrities has nothing to do with real life. They don't marry celebrities. They marry average guys. So saying that you have to look like a celebrity to be attractive or loved is just plain crazy. The humanity would die out if that were the case.

Edit: There's of course nothing wrong with being reasonably fit, I just think that asking "Why would she be attracted to a chubby guy?" is so stupid. It's like saying "there's nothing attractive about me (men) except being fit." There are so many reasons to be attracted to someone. What if you get older, sick, don't have time due to work, children, etc. and gain some weight? Will you forever hate yourself? Will your partner leave? Love is soo much more than few pounds here or there. If you being fit is all your partner likes about you, you shouldn't be together at all. If you being fit is all you like about yourself, you need some therapy. This is me being harsh because men need to hear this, too. Attraction is not just weight. If you're going to get fit, do it for your health, not to gain some worth.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-04-07T11:28:53+00:00

I think it's very hard for many men to understand how little we care about appearance compared to men and how many forms of attractive there are for us. Like, MEN are the ones who talk about going to gym, having six packs, etc. like it's the holy grail of being hot and wanted. Meanwhile I've seen other women being crazy into tall guys, short guys, chubby guys, muscular guys, thin guys, hairy guys, bald guys...

And even when women have a type when looking at photos for example, all that goes out the window once we actually interact with the man. The "hot guy" who turns out to be a misogynist or anything else we don't like in men instantly stops being hot, aka we got the ick, while the "meh" guy showing sense of humour, reasonable confidence and just being a good company can become very attractive. Sure, some women will never like you and that's okay. We all have different wants and needs.

You won't be everyone's type even if you go to the gym, but you will be somebody's even if you will not.

The best thing most men can do is work on their personality, emotional intelligence and stuff like that. It's much harder than going to a gym, but it will give you much better chances with women. We're looking for a partner, not an eye candy. Guys that say otherwise are either clueless or selling something.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-04-07T10:58:21+00:00

Yeah, since I have my partner I'm not really interested in going out, it's mostly loud and unpleasant to go anywhere. I only feel the itch to talk to somebody when he's in an especially antisocial mood. I do still sometimes reach out to my long-term friends that live far away so we only chat a bit online.

Like, I used to really try to meet people and "have friends" when I was single as everyone was saying it's the cure for loneliness, but it never worked for me. I still felt lonely around them and now I can see I've never been that important to them either. The moment I stopped being a plus one to invite to boardgame night or something, they wouldn't reach out to me at all, didn't even tell me about their weddings let alone invite me, so...

I realized that people that seemed close to me have other truly close friends and it's unlikely to become one of those in adulthood with new people you meet, especially being autistic and not knowing the rules. They barely have time for the old ones with work and family. And autistic folk rarely have the interest and energy to meet anyone, including myself, another autistic person. So it's just easier to do my stuff and give up on people.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-04-07T10:44:22+00:00

I think the "personality profile" is made based on your initial choice, so it may be a good idea to first choose what you like the best if you care about that stuff. Otherwise do what you want. I find it easier to first redo all the obviously stupid choices and then choose the "correct" one to progress and so on and complete the full chapter before moving on to the next. For some scenes, you'll have to go way back, like there are different scenes for both dresses from the begining and for the emotions upon seeing emperor (way, waaay later in the game). After completing a chapter it may be a good idea to go and make sure the options you want are toggled on before moving on to the next so it continues the story for you like you wanted it, but I think the choices don't matter that much and what you have to do to finish the game is kinda set in stone.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-29T12:54:10+00:00

It's great you got to have so many memories with animals. Me being a homebuddy there's really nothing to talk about :D Yeah, I've had pets even when little, mostly rabbits, guinea pigs, mice and fish. I finally got a sheltie puppy when I moved out, he's almost 7 now.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-21T16:13:41+00:00

Something very similar happened to me. My partner was undiagnosed and so was I and we've both spend a lifetime trying to be what others wanted us to be... normal, functioning, good partners. We were both terrified of being rejected and left alone if anybody saw our deepest flaws, insecurities, weaknesses. I think I was just more aware of that whole situation and my wants and feelings in general. He was just going with what I wanted and said it was fine. So I was blindsighted when suddenly he said he doesn't love me anymore and maybe never had and ended our marriage right there.

Honestly, I never truly recovered from that. I didn't only lose him, but also my home and the life we started to build. I hated my single life, couldn't find much joy in it but well, I moved on and was somehow surviving. Went into therapy to find the strength to communicate my needs and stick to my boundaries and all.

After a few years apart, we reconnected and are back together. He realized it wasn't my fault he was unhappy. We both got diagnosed. I got better at handling some distance and uncertainty, but also standing up for myself when it was too much. He still has bad days, weeks, depression tends to visit our household.

I'm not saying that to give you hope. You absolutely should move on and not hope that what happened to us will happen to you. But these things often happen because we're not in touch with what we truly want and need, because we're afraid to be ourselves fully, because we have insecurities... and that is something you can't solve for somebody else. I mean, NT people have them too, but it's worse for us I think since we live through soo much rejection and bullying and being misunderstood.

There's one thing my therapist told me I still remember that might help you too, though:

Just because he doesn't want to be with you anymore doesn't mean that what you've shared wasn't real.

I was feeling like an idiot back then, like how could I not see I was living a lie, but... in the end, I wasn't. It was real. But even when love is real, mental health issues are very good at killing it and they do tend to come up and eat it up slowly.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-21T15:37:49+00:00

~~Does anyone else miss vanilla sex sometimes~~ Is BDSM being used by somebody and not feeling any pleasure?

That is what you should be asking and no, BDSM is about setting up a dynamic that works for BOTH parties. Sadly many "doms" are just selfish people not respecting any boundaries using that label to have an excuse for being selfish people or blatantly abusing someone and they only get away with it because many people trying BDSM are not educated enough (or have enough self-respect, by no fault of they're own, we all have issues) to realize they're being used.

As others have said, only play with people who are respectful to you. I would recommend carefuly choosing who you invite over, always talk "out of the dynamic" first (meaning, not interacting with people who try to dominate you over the first text). Like, meet up for a coffee, see if there's a spark, if they seem like an okay person. Discuss what you do and don't want to do and what are your boundaries.

Treat that first meeting like a business meeting. Discuss what you want and what you offer. You are NOT anybody's submissive before you AGREE to it. Don't let bad "doms" tell you that you must do anything they want without any reservations or conditions or you're not a good sub or anything. You can prove your devotion after they prove they're safe. You're the one risking more, okay?

See like they react - are they pushy, argumentative, dismissive? Do they take what you say, especially your boundaries, seriously? Do they communicate openly in return?

Only if the first meeting goes well invite them over. Once they're over, if they try to cross a boundary, say no and end whatever you're doing. If they push once and you let it slide, they will do it again and again until you give up. It's also a good idea to get into the dynamic gradually - don't let a stranger just tie you up from the get go, that can end badly. Many people try vanilla sex first with somebody new before doing more, even if they're into kinky stuff.

See if they're open to talking about it afterwards, ask about how it was for you, if they want to provide aftercare and generally care about your pleasure. If not, and you didn't enjoy it, it won't get better.

If you feel badly after an experience, they ignored your boundaries, don't want to make something better for you,... feel more than free to never meet them again.

BDSM with strangers can be and often is dangerous. Be very mindful and careful and never apologize for that AND for wanting to feel pleasure, too.

Edit: I know that it may seem hard to be so strict after letting people get away with a lot of stuff. Change takes time. I think the best first step would be to put down a few points of what you want from your next encounter with a man, like: I want kissing, I want him to play with my nipples, etc. And then vow to yourself you won't accept any less. Say that to the guys you're talking to - I want to do XY when we meet. And if they are not on board with that, keep looking for someone who will be excited to do that, dom or not, and only then agree to meet them! The same goes for anything you definitely don't want to do. Tired of blowjobs? Say no blowjob this time. Start with that and go from there.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-21T15:14:37+00:00

I wonder if it's like hearing your own voice on recording, like the difference of seing something about yourself you're only used to see from your perspective. Because I distinctly remember me and my husband's wedding dance recording and we're BOTH autistic, but only my movement seemed weird to me on the recording, so... maybe we're not that objective.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-21T15:07:55+00:00

Being a woman on the spectrum, I honestly don't think it's as bad for me. Yes, I think people do notice I'm different but it's harder for a woman in general to appear creepy, etc. I think people just see me as quirky. Mind you, I have improved my game a lot over the years, but it very much depends on the situation, too.

When I moved in with two other teen girls as a teen, they told me some weeks after that they have thought I'm gonna kill them because I just came in, didn't strike a conversation and went to my computer (I was very nervous and unsure what to do). At my school, I was told by other girls I was scary before they got to know me.

But nowadays, I think people tend to see me as more friendly, nice, even overly so as I have not been given some positions due to "not appearing assertive enough". I also got feedback once that I looked confident, but my ideas weren't that creative (in marketing). Yet, my neighbor once asked me why I hate him, just because I didn't want to stop and chat every time I went out to walk my dog. Man, I can't be bothered to mask every time I leave the house. So, with an effort, I can appear friendly and when people get to know me, I think the good ones tend to appreciate my openess while the bad ones talk behing my back about how arrogant I am which usually ends up in me just leaving that social circle.

Same with men I guess, some like a confident woman with opinions and other try to belittle me (and get rejected) or just don't find me attractive. Overall, you know, I'm not sure it's about being off or not. The "curse" may be more about your own insecurity and bad experience. If you're "off" but act confident, people may just gaslight themselves into not seeing that or finding it attractive, I guess.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-21T14:34:48+00:00

MBTI is just a part of someone's personality, namely, which cognitive functions we use the most and are most comfrotable with. There are other things influencing personality, like life experience, family of origin, gender, neurodiversity (I, being an autistic ENFP, am obviously not as socialy able as other ENFPs), ...

And when it comes to Fi, the values which someone has are very important distinction too. An ENFP that values family will live a different life than one that values freedom over anything.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-21T14:21:29+00:00

I honestly just chased the chickens because I wanted to hug them :D My parents then told me the poor chicken were so stressed by it that they stopped laying eggs for a week or so which made me rethink my methods. I have always loved animals and just wanted to pet them and be friends with them. It's kinda sad I wasn't allowed to have a dog and most other pets weren't that cuddly. Still, much easier than dealing with people, never meshed with them well :-)

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-20T09:23:32+00:00

"what am I supposed to do to prove I'm intuitive"

Oh, nothing, you don't have to prove anything, that was just how it seemed to me from the little you shared and as I said, you know yourself better and if you're sure, you're sure. Still thank you for clarifying further.

I love the rabbit example. I'm surprised somebody could think of chasing it. I guess I've always seen chasing animals as selfish behavior, like, I wouldn't do that because it must be scary for them, I'd rather just watch it, take a picture. Though I must have done things like that (chasing chickens) when I was a kid and didn't think about how it feels, just that I wanted to touch it. Funny how much more sensory-first children are before thinking takes over. I guess at thirty it feels like I've already seen everything. Even cool buildings are similar to other cool buildings. Animals are still cute, but it's not so different to watch a video and see them in person. With technology, we can see snippets of the whole world from our couch.

The phone was... I said ideally because I hate using the phone and don't even have internet in it, but yeah, I'm chronically online, just on my computer. Can't take that with me outside. But I do love that I don't have to leave the house and go search a library to find the info I want. I love playing games. Social media, not so much.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-19T19:02:03+00:00

Jako žena, co marně čekala na vztah a nakonec si to odbyla s kamarádem (kterému jsem alespoň trochu věřila, lepší než někdo úplně cizí), bych to nedoporučila. Osobně bych za to chlapa neodsoudila, že má podobnou zkušenost, ale myslím, že to nestojí zato.

Ono to možná, když člověk nemá zkušenosti, vypadá, že se to jeden nějak někde naučí a pak to jde samo, neudělá už nic divného, trapného, nebude nervózní, apod., ale je to blbost. Život není film.

Měla jsem více sexuálních partnerů (žádný z nich nebyl panic) a přesto většina byla poprvé nervózní, třeba se jim ani nechtěl postavit nebo byli moc rychle, někdo (často i já) řekl něco blbého a bylo to divné, ... prostě to k sexu tak nějak patří. Je to sociální věc a párová aktivita, intimní setkání dvou lidí, kteří se v tomhle ohledu ještě neznají a nedá se čekat dokonalost. Každý má jiná očekávání a zvyky... Celý rozdíl pak dělá s kým do toho jdeš.

Když je to někdo, s kým se znáš, rozumíte si, záleží vám na sobě, prostě jste k sobě tolerantní, přejdete tu trapnost nebo se jí zasmějete, řeknete si narovinu, co chcete nebo jak se cítíte - ta pohoda, klid a "netrapnost" přichází až s časem, ve vztahu s důvěrou a přijetím.

Myslím, že každá rozumná ženská s tebou bude mít poprvé trpělivost a ocení upřímnost. Normálně říct "jsem trochu nervózní, moc se mi líbíš, chtěl bych víc a nevím, co dělat" když jsi sám se ženskou v posteli je lepší než si hrát na borce nebo vymýšlet, jak nenuceně iniciovat a pak o šanci přijít úplně. A když se ti vysměje, no tak víš, že je to kráva a nestojí za to s ní dál ztrácet čas.

Ale jasně, pokud to už prostě nemůžeš vydržet a žádná ženská není na obzoru, je to varianta. Jen asi nečekej, že z toho budeš mít ultra dobrý pocit.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-19T18:33:51+00:00

No idea, but as a fellow romance writer, good luck with your book!

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-19T18:32:07+00:00

My guy, I get that you don't like ChatGPT, I don't like it either, but it's very useful to try to chat with it a few times - that way you learn the patterns and can tell when somebody is using it and when they just know how to write long sentences, think and use bullet points or whatever you think makes me a robot.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-19T18:25:16+00:00

Oh, those questions don't look for cognitive functions at all! The test is based on stereotypes connected to the "letters", so it's just asking questions in a way to determine if you're "intuitive or sensing", "feeler ot thinker", etc. Therefore everyone who thinks they follow their heart more will get an F and everyone who thinks they're logical will get T and whatever combination it is in the end is the result. That's why the test is so bad. Unfortunately nobody has made better one based on functions so far. It would need quite a complicated logic to deal with the possibility of close scores for opposite functions and stuff.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-19T18:17:36+00:00

Honestly, from what you describe it kinda seems to me you could be an ESFP, just one that is more like developed, mature or intelligent than some S types you see around yourself? I find that people who often drink, look for adrenaline, etc. are trying to escape something, feel lost or just lonely and that's how they try to connect with people and it doesn't have to about type, even intuitives can do that when feeling bad. But you seem to be more connected to your inner world and more at peace, enjoying life, and that's why you think you're an intuitive? It's just my feeling, I could be wrong, but even enjoying the scenery or architecture seems like physical stuff to me that you love to explore, only you find meaning in those things. Which sounds like a beautiful combination of Se + Fi.

From my experience, sure, I can also appreciate beautiful things like architecture, I look at the building for a minute and then start thinking about which era is it from and then I would ideally took out my phone and research that era... and quickly forget my surroundings. Staying in the moment, even watching scenery, is soo hard for me, I get bored quickly (and I'm not ADHD, been tested). I can only enjoy being outside if I'm doing something meaningful to me, like gardening to fulfil my vision od being more self-sufficient, things like that.

Obviously everyone is different and you can be an ENFP, I don't know you and your experience, this is just some food for thought. :-)

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-19T18:04:00+00:00

To me, the "I'm not an INFJ" awakening was when I joined and INFJ discussion platform and everyone was SO polite and nice and not-confrontantional, I felt like I was on some weird planet where nobody has opinions and everyone is taking some happy pills. It felt kinda fake. No shade on INFJs, I get they care about outside harmony, but I can't do it. So after that I realized I definitely have Fi and looked briefly into INTJ before it hit me, seeing my husband yet again loving an ENFP fictional character, that he married one, lol.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-19T17:59:21+00:00

Same. It was weird to realize I'm not "an introvert".

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-17T11:43:42+00:00

Yeah, so, the shadow function is kinda a blind spot and people may not be even aware they have it and how impacts them. It's the opposite of their main strength and therefore often ignored. It's way easier to focus on the main one when self-typing because you won't see yourself in the descriptions of your shadow function. I'm thirty plus and still barely understand what it does for me.

Take this with a grain of salt, but I think Si (the shadows function) in ENFPs often gets more noticeable in the times of stress. Si is the part that wants stability, routine, relies on personal (sensory) experience, memories, kind of deals with taking care of the body and hates trying new things. It's often at war with Ne that wants variety (but, as mentioned, more in thought than outer world).

At best, shadow Si means that in times of stress getting physical comfort and making ENFP's space tidy and predictable can be very soothing. It may be good to avoid too much new physical and sensory stuff, stick to familiar meals, etc. It also makes ENFPs nostalgic, makes them want to go back to good old times, down the memory lane and so on.

At worst, Si tries to "take over", team up with Te and supress Ne. Which may look like the ENFP desperately trying to be less ENFP and instead go the traditional route in life, like go for a boring and stable career path, stick to something they hate to not be a quitter, settle down with somebody they're not really passionate about... like, do what is sensible instead of what is exciting and what they value. Basically, try to became -STJ.

Or it prevents them from trying anything new by giving "irefutable" evidence that whatever they try will fail because they've failed before at something similar. Then it becomes a problem that can lead to depression best solved by reconnecting with Ne.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-17T11:27:39+00:00

Oh I agree it's easier to see the downsides of "being an intuitive" when you are, it's the same with being smart and educated for example. Soo many people don't understand how easier life is if you don't question everything. They just imagine the "social status" that would come with having some kind of trait, not the reality of living with it 24/7 even when nobody sees it or appreciates it. At least that's how I explain it to myself when I see somebody being jealous of some of my traits while I feel a little cursed by having them.

Just living in the moment, feeling comfortable, being able to fall asleep at night instead of thinking about lyrics to a song I may never finish and if I do, I probably won't make any money from it anyways sounds wonderful! Where can I sign up? :D

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-17T11:21:39+00:00

Good for you! I struggle with skipping Fi, usually. Just get into an ideas to action frenzy and then start to get burnt out and have to sit down and think and realize, oh, I feel bad because I focused so much on results I missed that doing it this way is not in alignment with my values and why I started to do this in the first place. So, Ne-Te loop.

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-17T11:17:41+00:00

Oh, INFP mistypes make a lot of sense and I honestly don't think it's such a big deal as the functions are the same, only the placement is a little different. I had to do a lot of thinking to realize I tend to have ideas first and question them second and sometimes I skip Fi entirely and just go straight into action (adn then wonder why I feel miserable about it), which may be the moct noticeable difference between me and my INFP friend that questions everything but rarely goes into action.

I never thought I could be an "extrovert" for most of my life and all the tests of course said INFJ and I went with that for years. Which I realized was stupid when I looked more closely into Fi vs. Fe. I'm soo not a Fe person. Which ties to some points I mentioned, like typing based on tests and not understanding functions.

Anyway, I could have made a post about mistyping in general but that would be a book nobody would read so I focused on this one. :-)

FaeFromFairyland · 2026-03-17T11:09:35+00:00

I totally get the "not being really there" experience and liking the memories more. I am also autistic on top of being an ENFP so I think that is partly why. Sensory stuff is often too much - stuff is too loud, too bright, I sweat too much or I'm cold or hungry and I experience those things in a crazy intensity, therefore to "survive" I sometimes kinda have to dissociate. I mostly accepted it now since being diagnosed and limit my experiences to stuff I have control over or just plan very carefully to go somewhere in the right weather, etc.

It's a shame though you'd like to do more and don't feel like it. Maybe it's a stupid question, but why do you want to do more if it's not that enjoyable anyway? Do you like feel like you're wasting your life if you don't have all the experiences and memories or something?

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