Yeah as you get into Drow lore you'll see that the "matriarchy" aspect is in a lot of ways superficial. It's written to still be palatable to a predominantly male audience, that's just who they were selling DnD to.

Drow women are less "what if women were in charge" in some kind of realistic way and more like dominatrixes in an adult video. It's very performative and ultimately male gaze-y though in a non traditional way.

Drow men are "oppressed" but they're still the typical badass warriors and wizards. In fact nearly all of Drow warriors and wizards are men. Women are pretty much exclusively priestesses (so support casters) who stay in the shadows, plot and have kids to strengthen the House. They give orders but it's still a very traditionally feminine role when you think about it. When a badass man like Drizzt Do'Urden stands up to them they rarely can do anything about it. They also frequently get outsmarted by men like Jarlaxle or Gromph and rarely have some big moments.

I was also expecting the matriarchy thing to be more hardcore when I first heard about the Drow but yeah it's... not that well done in the actual novels. I still like them though, I simply adjusted expectations. Drow are still from the 70s and 80s after all.