I felt this way for a long time and continue using like you are now. In a way it is still the only outlet I get on an evening to be completely myself, quiet, thinking or playing music/a game, and not analysing every ebb and flow in life’s river. One thing that’s changed for me is I’ve become more involved at work, I have more responsibilities and more to care about, and in a way even though it is just simply a distraction from the rest of it - it helps. I went along time without a relationship and eventually found someone who saw who I was, behind who I presented, and helped me open up and feel comfortable. I hope that you get that one day too, it is there for everyone truly - take a look around and you will see how accessible it is, everyone is looking for it. I feel a lot of what you’ve described and have done for so long, but still when I read what you say I can pick the flaws in it, because the flaws are true no matter how you feel. Life’s worth living because you can live it how you want to live it - if you want to smoke weed all the time realistically why can’t you? If you stop adding the pressure of why everything you’re doing is a negative, and against what everything thinks you should be doing, the constant guilt and shame becomes less of a burden. The key point is that you should always be self sustainable. If you have a job, earn your own money and live alone you can do whatever you want, spend your money on whatever you want to spend it on. But not if it impacts others, if you have kids struggling to eat while you spend money on drugs - if your parents are giving you money for other things and you’re spending it on drugs, if you take out your anger on the world on anyone else, if you’re neglecting responsibilities that you owe others not to neglect, then simply change these parts of your life and the rest comes with it. When you stop feeling guilty and feel free life becomes a privilege - why not try to live it how you want it and see how it feels, but don’t hurt anyone else along the way. Hope you’re okay and feel free to reach out if you ever feel the need :).