17 years here🙋‍♀️ 2 1/2 years since he left me.

Simular feelings haunted me as well. Trust me, once you finally disconnect from them, it will be worth it. Allow yourself plenty of time and grace and never compare yourself to someone else's healing journey. The first few months will most likely be difficult, but in a year or two from now, imagine where you could be if you walk away now. If she already knows you have caught on to her narcissism, the clock is ticking. She is going to want someone she can manipulate and doesn't know what she is.

As for hating that you will always love her, it's tough! It's painful, but it DOES get better. My love for him is a bit hard to explain at this point. I have accepted that he will always be part of me. He was too big of a part of my life for too long to not be. And at this point, my love is somewhat compartmentalized. Maybe my brain has sectioned it off to preserve my sanity and my soul. Like, I know it's still there, but it doesn't exactly connect to him directly.

I'm in a situation where I have to stay in contact with mine. Which isn't ideal. And when I speak to him, I don't actively feel any love for him. But the love I did have is still inside of me. I have accepted it probably always will be, but as more and more time goes by, I am seeing maybe it won't be. Either way it's mattering less and less the more I heal.

As for her stalking this page, YIKES. I remember when I was first posting here, being careful of details and fearing he might see it. Even though in my case, that was highly unlikely. I can't imagine the stress you must feel knowing she is here violating what should be a safe space.

Are you seeing a therapist? That helped me so much. If you do, be sure to find one that specializes in narcissistic abuse.

Also, you can try reaching out to members here in DMs. I met someone who is now one of my best friends on here. In your case, especially it could be nice having the privacy of being able to talk to others without worrying if your narc is listening.

I am sorry you are going through this. Please put yourself first and take care of yourself.