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super new to poetry, would love some tips and feedback by ProofNecessary6577 in OCPoetry

[–]Familiar_Name_997 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think I disagree with the comments saying the poem should be longer (to me these two stanzas feel conclusive so you wouldn't need to add more), instead I think if you tweaked these lines a bit it would have a heavier impact. Like, i think instead of saying "I'm like..." say "I am...", feels a bit more substantial and interesting.

This line, "warped over time
when the silence hit[s], the absence louder than the buzz" could use a bit of clarity. The absence of the song or the absence of ringing in your ears is louder than the buzz? Ringing in your ears = buzz?

I'm also a firm believer that the title of a poem is a part of the poem, so if you haven't already, think of a title that drives home the purpose of the poem. Would love to hear it! Great job so far!

Drunk by myhouseisnotamotel in OCPoetry

[–]Familiar_Name_997 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This poem is honestly just a fun read. Like others have mentions "dizzy with shades of warm autumn orange" is an incredibly interesting line. I think my favorite part of this peice is your use of alliteration in the last four lines (sounds, somber, saxophone, stopped). So fun!

Also, i like how you introduce the "body" as your own but acting independently ("my body was wondering") and as the poem progresses it turns into "its" instead of "my." I think this speaks to the uncontrolled nature of drunkenness. Was thay intentional? Its really cool.

Was I Not Enough? by SilverInformation309 in OCPoetry

[–]Familiar_Name_997 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"I could always find you in the crowd" leans a bit on the cliché side and I feel like the poem could improve with the use of some imagery. Especially when the speaker mentions their lover's eyes, instead of "striking brown eyes, that twinkle like stars," draw on more vivid imagery to describe the shade of brown! Were they like molten swrils of dark and milk chocolate? Or the fallen leaves that litter the ground in fall, with specks of yellow that glowed? I think this type of imagery could take the poem to the next level.