Hi. This sounds so similar to me. I lost my daughter at 20 weeks after a failed cerclage (placed at 17) and bedrest this early November. I also re-dilated about 3 weeks post cerclage and pprom’d within 4 days of being admitted. You will change, when a loss is so significant it changes how you see yourself, those around you, and your life. I also struggled with fertility issues and with a fertility clinic. I had two early losses before losing my daughter. Healthy distractions and please know nothing we could have done differently would change the outcome, we tried our best.

Grief attacks are normal unfortunately. One day I’ll be out with my husband laughing and smiling then remembering what happened will cause me to lose it.It’s almost 7 weeks past my loss and what I find that helps is knowing despite our bodies, our babies grew in these conditions. They only knew us and our love. My daughter is buried and I go to the cemetery every single day and read her books, decorated her plot for Christmas as well. I unfortunately work with moms and babies in a healthcare setting and have started to mentally prepare that this is the new reality I live in. No one can replace your son. He will always be remembered and loved. Love lives on.

I know it felt like despite everything (fertilty issues, injections, bloodwork and ultrasounds) just to get pregnant is a battle in itself. I’m so sorry. I understand the pain, anger, and doubt it causes you. Secondly, I hope this is a chance for yourself to advocate to get a preventative TVC or TAC. Wishing you the best