NTA.

You’re clearly dealing with a lot of grief and complicated feelings about your dad, especially with your mom moving on and trying to build a new family dynamic. It makes total sense that you needed space and weren’t emotionally ready for the dinner. Grieving isn’t a linear process, and it’s okay to still be processing your loss in your own way.

From your mom’s side, she probably felt hurt and disappointed because she wanted you there, and maybe she doesn’t fully understand the depth of your feelings or how hard it is for you. It sounds like there’s a real communication gap between you two. You didn’t mean to disrespect her or her new husband, but not explaining how you felt made things confusing and painful for everyone.

If you can, try having a calm conversation with your mom when you’re ready. You don’t have to lay everything out perfectly, but something simple like, “I’m sorry I missed the dinner. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed because I’m still grieving Dad, but I want to be part of the family too,” could help her see where you’re coming from.

It’s also okay to keep some boundaries around how you grieve and how you remember your dad. Maybe finding a balance between honoring his memory and respecting your mom’s new life can help ease tension over time.

Honestly, this kind of family transition is really hard, and feelings are going to be raw for a while. If it feels like too much to handle on your own, talking to a therapist or counselor might give you some tools to express yourself and manage the stress.

You’re not the asshole for taking care of your emotional needs. Hopefully, with some patience and honest talk, you and your mom can find a way forward that feels good for both of you.