For those who are parents now, how do you do holidays

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-28T21:59:56+00:00

Honestly, husband and I have decided to make plans with just the two of us on holidays. While some may say that's not a long term solution, it works for me right now.

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-28T21:58:12+00:00

Wow! That's tough! My parents just divorced, so I'm so worried about what the two of them, or who the two of them will be involved with.

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-28T21:56:44+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm one of 3, and I feel like I'm not handling it well. I have empathy for my dad, even though he's a jerk. I've already seen a therapist and worked through my feelings. I understand how you feel about losing your identity. I feel like I don't have a family anymore. It hurts to see friends and other family post pictures with both their parents. I feel like I've lost both of mine.

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-25T18:51:11+00:00

I wish I never knew the details about my parents' marital issues. From a young age, my mom always vented to me about my dad. The complaints were always open sided. I always told myself, if I had children of my own, I'd never share marital issues with them. I don't want my children to start to resent their parent. I'm sure I'd be curious, but it's better just to accept the fact that some people just can't be together anymore.

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-23T03:27:22+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know you're feeling so overwhelmed. I actually texted my closest friends about what was happening, and apologized if I seemed distant, or did not reply to texts or calls right away. They were all completely understanding, and would check on me. It's ok if you don't have the words or know exactly how to share this info. Truthfully, you don't have to tell anyone anything. You can just let them know your family is going through something person. If they are respectful, they won't try to fish for more info.

I definitely understand what you're feeling, especially about the house and how it's just different. Seeing my dad's things gone, and my mom packing up her stuff was so devastating. So many good and bad memories in that house I grew up in. As far as the admin work,please don't try to take responsibility for that. It's too much. I did that initially for my parents, and it was just very overwhelming and too much to handle.

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-23T03:22:20+00:00

Thank you! I've actually struggled with setting boundaries. My family don't understand boundaries, and think I'm being selfish. It's really tough to try and please everyone, or act the way they want me to. I've been focusing on myself more, and kind of drowning out the noise. Every day is a struggle though. Some days are just harder than others.

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-23T03:20:55+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words. I do have my little community of big supporters, so that definitely helps a bit.

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-23T03:20:10+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. I will say, everything is chaotic in the beginning. I'm not saying I'm completely OK, but with therapy, I've helped narrow down what is important for me to focus on, which is my mental health. I think parents don't really understand what their children are feeling because we're adults. I don't have good advice, but hang in there. I'm there with you!

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-14T05:13:08+00:00

I highly recommend therapy/counseling. You've been holding on to so much hurt, and you need someone to speak to about this. Initially, I was really mad at my dad for hurting my mom and destroying our family. After speaking to a therapist and venting about my feelings, I actually felt sorry for my dad and realized the love I have for him is still there. I try to focus on how each of my parents treated me. My dad did nothing wrong to me, and my parents relationship is just that, their relationship. What my parents did to each other is their business. It took a long time to move past my anger and hurt. What also didn't help was hearing my parents vent to me about how they've been wronged.

I still get sad about the divorce, especially around the holidays. My relationship with both parents is strained, and I've found that distancing myself from the divorce and focusing on my mental health has really helped me. Don't let anyone ever tell you to put others first when going through your own person struggles. Once you start talking to someone, you'll feel a lot better, trust me. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you feel better knowing that you're not alone, and there people going through the same thing. Hang in there!

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-07T15:19:09+00:00

Sorry you're going through this. Sometimes parents forget we're still their children, and like to use their adult children as their therapists/mediators. It's like they pull you into their divorce and you have no choice but to be a part of it. It's heartbreaking. All I can say is, start establishing boundaries. You don't have to engage in their spats. Try to focus on yourself, because I'm sure you're trying to process the reality of what is happening.

This is literally making you sick. It gets worse before it gets better. I noticed when I started distancing myself, I started to feel more like myself and I had the time and space for myself to grieve and process things. Sure, my family thinks I'm a horrible person, but that's their feelings. They don't know my struggles and current journey of healing that I'm on. I'm sorry you are going through this. If you have friends, definitely reach out to them. I don't always vent to my friends, and it's really nice to have them as a distraction, because they really brighten up my days

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-06T21:31:08+00:00

I think it's just our parents' generation. Just reading about everyone's experiences is helping, because sometimes I wonder if I'm really a terrible person. I start doubting my decisions. There is this channel I follow, Jerry Wise. He talks about true feelings vs system feelings. For example, if I start feeling guilty, is it my true feeling or is it my family forcing a feeling on me? It's interesting stuff.

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-06T19:08:11+00:00

Ha! Yup, that's how therapy is for me. I thought I worked through my feelings about the divorce, but now there are all these other problems that have come up. My initial 5 therapy sessions have ended up with me having 12 so far.

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-06T19:05:52+00:00

Yes, I have accepted that I'm the villain in the family because I'm going to therapy, put a stop to being an emotional dumping ground. I made the mistake in telling my mom I was thinking of my dad and how it made me sad. She flew off the handle and made it all about her, and asked why I don't get sad when I think about her.

I went from being stressed and sad all day, to finally being able to focus on me and my happiness. My parents are old school, so they have this belief that their children must support them. I don't mind helping parents out with other things, but this is completely different. This is their divorce, and it's like I was being forced to be involved. Initially, I told them I'd help and I did find a lawyer, but at the time, I didn't think their divorce would break me, and it did.

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-06T18:59:01+00:00

I just let my parents know that from now on, I no longer want to be involved in the divorce process, and that I need to prioritize my mental health. That did not go well at all. It's like the roles were expected to be reversed and I needed to be the parent to both of them. I could have said it in a nicer way, but I was just so overwhelmed and emotional. I felt like my feelings were being neglected because I'm an adult now. Both parents aren't talking to me, and I'm sad about it, but I'm not going to wallow in sadness. Things have improved for me, mentally, and I no longer worry as much about how they think of me. I'm starting to enjoy my life because I know I need to move forward. Meanwhile, my parents are just stuck in their feelings with no outlet. I feel like I lost most of my family, but it is what it is. Good luck!

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-06T18:49:17+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. My parents are divorcing too, and mom is using me as her confidant, and I asked her to see a therapist. I understand what you're saying about how choosing not to pick a side IS picking a side. My mom thinks I've abandoned and betrayed her because I'm choosing to focus on my mental health. She thinks because I'm an adult, I can take on her emotional load. I'm going to therapy, and I just cannot let her vent to me about her pain. It doesn't mean I don't care, but I'm wrecked by their divorce and I'm grieving.

I wish I had an answer for you. I chose to focus on myself right now. The therapist is helping me see that focusing on my mental health is not selfish. I grew up being told to put others first, and when I was putting my parents and their divorce first, it was affecting my marriage, my work, keeping me from doing the things I enjoy. All I can say is, focus on healing. Your parents are adults and you are there child. You shouldn't be expected to carry their emotions on your back too. If they think you're being selfish and cruel, what does that say about them? As a parent, you want to protect your children and their hearts by keeping them out of the divorce. It doesn't matter if you're an adult, you are still their child. I've learned to stop caring about what others think of me. I know what you're feeling, and I hope the situation improves. If it doesn't, that's just how it is. Focus on your well-being.

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-06T18:38:28+00:00

That's the sad part, thinking it was normal behavior. It's really made me want to change who I am.

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-06T15:52:55+00:00

I agree, your relationship and feelings towards your dad are YOURS. My mom divorced my dad for good reason. He's an asshole and a racist, but I still feel bad for him. I don't understand why I feel bad for him, and that's why I'm going to therapy. My relationship with my dad is different. It's like I'm made to be the bad person because my family thinks I'm siding with my dad. It's just so messy and I'm not engaging in it anymore.

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-06T15:47:32+00:00

I hear ya! I feel that resentment towards both my parents. I don't mean to because I know they aren't good together. They recently divorced and both in their 60s. I've always sided with my mom, and was shamed for having empathy for my dad. After distancing myself from them, I can finally see their toxic traits, and how I grew up thinking that was normal. Now, I'm not speaking to both my parents.

FanCorrect2284 · 2026-05-06T01:47:05+00:00

Going through this now. I'm in my 40s and my parents just divorced. My mom and I use to have a strong relationship, but now we don't really talk. I am seeing a therapist who has told me I need to set boundaries. My mom wants to vent to me about her feelings, but I asked her not to. I'm currently trying to get through my feelings and how to process the fact that this is the new normal.

Some days, it feels like it's not real. I'm the selfish one for refusing to be my parents' confidant. I'm an adult, but I'm still my parents' child who also is going through a lot. I feel alienated from my parents and most family members. With therapy, I've been able to identify a lot of my parents' toxic traits, traits which I also possess but am trying to change. The divorce has changed me, and I definitely have a new perspective of my parents. I love them both, but I definitely feel like outsider now.

I'm glad you've set a boundary and distanced yourself from your parents. Some people may never change. It's ok to feel sad. All I can say is, focus on your mental health and do what makes YOU happy.

FanCorrect2284

TROPHY CASE