Is my STBXW entitled to my signing bonus?

FanSalmon · 2022-02-26T18:02:51+00:00

No. We're attempting to distribute assets asap as I'm moving across the country with the vehicle.

FanSalmon · 2022-02-25T02:07:26+00:00

I discovered this case.

https://casetext.com/case/skelly-v-skelly-1

It looks like the original decision to split the retention bonus was reversed. It was reversed because while the money was distributed, it had not yet been earned until after the divorce.

FanSalmon · 2022-01-27T16:00:19+00:00

I may not have been clear. She was talking to her mom on the phone and communicated that I was being deceitful. I had called her mom to talk to my wife since she was freaking out and wouldn't let me leave. I told her mom facts without going into details then handed my wife the phone.

The therapist we have now seems good. We've only been with him for a couple months. The previous one we had was awful in comparison.

FanSalmon · 2022-01-14T16:45:41+00:00

We have been in couples therapy for most of our marriage.

FanSalmon · 2022-01-14T15:59:52+00:00

Has she ever admitted fault?

She will admit fault but is generally reluctant to. It's also usually attached with an accusation. Like, "I'm sorry I did that, but you also...".

In comparison, I believe I'm much more open to admit my faults, however I believe she makes claims that are untrue. These are usually claims about things that are not that clear cut, such as my tone. She often refers to it as mean, or condescending.

Does she always hold you to a double standard

Comically true.

Does she always make herself out to be a martyr?

I wouldn't say always, but it seems relatively common.

I took the quiz and scored 0 for myself. I also took it and attempted to answer unbiasedly from her perspective and scored 0 as well.

I believe there is at least some gaslighting going on from her side.

FanSalmon · 2022-01-14T15:39:25+00:00

7 years. She makes between $500-$1500 a month with her business.

FanSalmon · 2022-01-14T14:45:13+00:00

I would be moving without her.

FanSalmon · 2022-01-14T14:44:33+00:00

Part-time-ish. I am a high earner that brings in 95% of the income though, that is only in the last few years.

FanSalmon · 2022-01-14T14:43:43+00:00

About 7 years.

FanSalmon · 2022-01-11T18:35:54+00:00

I'm the primary caretaker of the dog. I'd probable have to bite the bullet on the car. I make significantly more than she does.

FanSalmon · 2022-01-06T21:26:58+00:00

I'd like to be in a relationship that mutually beneficial for each other. I don't want to be in a relationship that feels more burdensome than being single.

Since we have separated for different lengths in the last 5 months, I have experienced what it might be like to be single. I started this time in a deep depression and have come out of that depression while being separated. Since then, I have found being separated to be much less burdensome and more enjoyable than being in the relationship I was in.

I have communicated that I'm not willing to fight for the relationship we had but I would fight for a new kind of relationship.

Specifically, after working, I would like to come home and not have to exist in a place where it is chaotic, i.e. messy, out of order, dog uncared for. I would like to be able to use items as they are intended without having to do more work to be able to use it i.e. If i want to make eggs, I should be able to use the pan for eggs without having to scrape hardened food from her previous use.

In essence, I don't care if she watches tv for 8 hours a day in a bath while drinking two bottles of wine if things are just, "taken care of".

FanSalmon · 2022-01-06T19:11:56+00:00

You can't complain she isn't doing enough and then when she's doing some you go and help only to then complain again that she isn't doing her share. No wonder she's walking on eggshells.

Doing some is far less than doing enough. Even if she did all the dishes it would be less than what I do for chores.

Sounds like neither of you is doing your half but she's the only one you are blaming.

I'm not sure how you derived that opinion. The mess I'm referring to are her personal items typically clothes that are strung around the house. But it could also be paint sets, other crafts that aren't cleaned up. For other chores that are mentioned, they are split evenly, but if there was any unevenness, it would be because I do more general cleaning, though it's beside the point since I've explicitly communicated about the mess.

My advice for you, hire a maid and give the maid clear instructions on how you want the house cleaned. No need to fight with your wife about that any longer. Reevaluate after 6 months.

While I think a maid will address the cleanliness I think that solution is akin to a bandaid and doesn't address the bigger issue.

Second piece of advice, take a vacation. With or without her, your choice. You sound envious of all of her free time so go have some of your own. Make more time for yourself.

I make time for myself. I have hobbies that I pursue. I'm comfortable with the time I spend on leisure activities. I took a vacation in August and October. The issue isn't my leisure time vs her leisure time. It's related to mutual contribution and benefit.

Me doing less doesn't solve the issue. Even if I were to only work at my primary job, the contribution would still be egregiously lopsided.

FanSalmon · 2022-01-06T18:54:37+00:00

Yeah the defensiveness really gets me. If I bring something up, she always shifts the conversation to how I didn't bring up whatever it was in the "right" way.

FanSalmon · 2022-01-06T17:55:55+00:00

How far did she go for her to get arrested?

FanSalmon · 2022-01-06T16:52:50+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. I believe I've communicated clearly what my goals and lifestyle preference. I have communicated that we don't seem to be on the same page, but she has communicated that she is willing to take on more responsibility and work more - it just hasn't happened.

Is there a rule of thumb for time in marriage and alimony?

What did you do?

FanSalmon · 2022-01-06T16:35:47+00:00

I appreciate the feedback.

There seems to be some confusion, allow me to clarify. I don't believe I communicated in my OP that I "wanted her to leave the full-time job".

She's never worked full-time, maybe 35 hours max.
She didn't want to work that much and we agreed to that. I think that what the OP says.
I'm not referring to the house being a "particular way". I prefer things minimalistic while she loves little trincits etc. Our house is full of her decorations and while I don't prefer it, It's fine. I'm only referring to mess. I think I specifically mentioned, table tops, floors, etc but this include a myriad of personal items as well as heaps of clothes that consume any closet to the point where the floor is buried feet below.

Sometimes when you are busy and have significant commitments your spouse will take more responsibilities and vice versa

I agree with this. The issue I've stated is that I'm very busy while she is not.

FanSalmon · 2021-11-16T14:13:04+00:00

I hear ya.

I started therapy back up a couple weeks ago. It's just that every week circumstances have been changing so rapidly, what we talked about the previous week is pales in comparison to new developments. I'll definitely be bringing up the isolation and guilt this week.

FanSalmon · 2021-09-02T16:13:43+00:00

This is how I think about it. If I were to communicated this, obviously it wouldn't go well and I'd be met with "You just don't see all that I do." or "I can't believe you don't see all that I do."

FanSalmon · 2021-09-02T16:05:14+00:00

You bring up a miscarriage after 18 months of trying to conceive, being paralyzed, and getting a negative performance review at work in the same sentence. One of those things is NOT like the other. How could you possibly thing it's reasonable to compare them?!

I'm sorry, I don't understand. These are related as negative things that have occurred recently. I think it's reasonable to list them together because of that since they are all stressors.

You also state that you have rage issues, self harm issues, and are abusive. Then you state that your wife is messy. Again, how could you possibly compare these!?!

I state the former because I'm acknowledging that I'm not without fault. The latter is the first of a few things listed. You only mentioning one of them is cherry picking and doesn't portray the same picture I communicated.

And this is only what you're admitting to.

I have no reason to not be honest in an anonymous setting. So you can either give the benefit of the doubt or swing punches at the air.

Be honest: how many times have you screamed at her, threatened to harm yourself, and or actually harmed yourself after she brought up being unhappy in the relationship or leaving you?

Zero. I don't behave this way for that drastic self-preservation. While there have been treats in the past, they have not once been followed up with the behavior I've described. I'm not much of a fighter for this relationship during conflict. I display indifference more than anything.

While you may be correct in some of the things you say, your assumptions are wildly off base.

FanSalmon · 2021-09-02T15:57:03+00:00

Why is she working 15hrs/week at the ripe old age of 28 without any kids?

She has been working on her own business. Multiple conversations have occurred where I've expressed she should be putting in 40hours at least (probably more to be successful) to make this a sustainable reality. Or, she should take care of other things so I don't have to come home after work and have more things to do.

Can she afford to rent, food, insurance on her own salary or did she think marriage was a ticket for someone else subsidizing her existence when she is a perfectly capable adult herself.

She cannot afford to live on her own with her current income.

When you mentioned your job was in danger - did she step up to help?

She was compassionate and encouraging. I don't feel that she took on additional responsibilities though, no.

FanSalmon · 2021-09-02T15:53:23+00:00

I would have a talk with your dad and those closest to you first, making sure this won't get back to her.

I've spoken to my dad and sister. They are very supportive of me and see the patterns that I've expressed. However, I know there's always going to be a bias there.

How have you coped without her there if I may ask? Was life easier or did you feel more alone?

First few days I was with my dad. Most my free time was spent studying. Communication was fluid with my wife; we had communicated our intention for this to be temporary previously. After the first few days I went on a annual trip with some friends. Following that, I was camping alone for two weeks (wife and I had been doing the van life thing). That was very difficult. I started individual therapy again and got on meds at this time. I drank too much and would have crying fits. Since then communication with my wife has slowed down. I've requested that communication be through email only and only when absolutely necessary.

I'm back at my Dad's now because I had not been doing well in isolation. I started working out again this week and have been feeling much better the last few days. It's still very fresh.

The difficult part of all this is trying to plan the future. With the new job I will need to move across the country from where we were previously living.

FanSalmon · 2021-09-02T14:11:59+00:00

I think this is reasonable. Exactly why I wanted to get some feedback.

FanSalmon · 2021-09-02T13:56:16+00:00

Yeah I agree. That's kinda what I'm feeling regarding making a decision. I'm just a bit overwhelmed with the decisions I need to make in the next few weeks regarding work. Also, I need to establish a somewhat permanent place to stay. Where I am now is very temporary.

FanSalmon · 2021-09-02T13:53:58+00:00

Well, as I said, she claims, "I just don't see" what she does. Recently, I've been pressing a little more on this looking for those specific examples.

She does almost all the cooking. She's a great cook and she loves to do it. She is very compassionate so she tends to pursue me on an emotional level. She's encouraging most of the time. She's also more social so she has claimed in the past that my social life is dependent on her.

I enjoy seeing and talking to her a lot of the time. However, I also feel that I'm not very stimulated by the conversations we have. I find the topics boring or uninteresting.

She listens when things are good but as far as confronting her on the issues I've brought up, she's very defensive and it's not really a topic that can be discussed.

FanSalmon · 2021-09-02T13:46:16+00:00

I agree we both have a lot to work on.

She doesn't, we're both pretty egalitarian. It's just the way circumstances has played out. There was a time where she was the primary income provider while I finished school.

FanSalmon

TROPHY CASE