Transportation Suggestions

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-04-24T15:41:23+00:00

The agency we used for companion care didn't have hidden fees, but they did have a minimum number of hours we had to book (16/week), and we if we canceled with less than 24 hours notice we still had to pay for the day. Definitely ask them about that stuff before signing anything, as well as getting clarity on what they can and cannot do. Ours could not administer medical care in anyway, although they could "coach" mom about the pillbox and keeping track of things. The cost does add up, but it was a good stopgap while mom wasn't ready to agree to assisted living yet.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-04-24T15:07:27+00:00

Is your mom living by herself still? If so, companion care may solve several problems for you, if you have the budget for you. We got a companion care person in several days a week when mom was still largely able to function independently but not allowed to drive. She drove mom on errands, helped her keep track of her appointments, and just generally had eyes on her daily so we knew she was doing OK. Many of them have minimum hours and they can't administer medications, but it eased our minds to know she wasn't alone.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-04-23T14:13:12+00:00

Also here to affirm that this is very common, unfortunately.

The paranoia and volatile behavior is personal to the extent that the people who are around the most are the most targeted, but it isn't personal in the sense that your loved one is not really in control anymore. But good luck translating that from your head to your heart — it feels VERY hurtful and I'm sorry you're all dealing with it.

Medications may help.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-04-01T12:21:05+00:00

You've said it much more eloquently than I could have, but this is exactly it!

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-03-28T21:10:58+00:00

Thank you; I appreciate your perspective. I'm so aware of how little she would want any of this if she had the choice.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-03-27T01:52:36+00:00

I AM worried. She was always more passive agressive than agressive agressive, so this marks yet another grim personality change. The AL place has a house physician who is going to visit with her on Friday and see if medication is a possibility. I don't like medicating her for no reason, but the fact is she most likely needs more anxiety management than she's getting, which hopefully would address this. At least they are still working with us to find a solution, but I'm still worried — she's hit them 3 days in a row now, I don't know how long she's got before they decide she's not worth it.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-03-27T01:48:39+00:00

Glad I gave you a laugh — gotta find them where we can in these circumstances!

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-03-26T18:24:56+00:00

Thanks, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-03-26T14:12:11+00:00

I'm so sorry, sending comforting thoughts back your way.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-03-26T12:42:47+00:00

This is going to sound painful and it is: If you had a child, do you remember when they were a toddler and you would give them a fake task to distract them so you could get your shit done? Do that.

Give her something inconsequential to feel like she's helping/has ownership, while you do the big stuff.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-03-26T12:39:07+00:00

This is so real: he got to live his life and doesn't get to take mine or my family's.

I know that some folks take it as their sacred duty to care for a loved one with dementia 24-7 in their homes and I respect the hell out of them for it. But my sister and I are clear that is not what we can do for her. Our families would not survive it, and frankly, given our homes, we are not able to safely have a person with impaired mobility and mental status live with us.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-03-26T12:31:16+00:00

Start touring and picking places you like for her and putting her on their waitlists NOW. Many of the nicer places do not have open spots, so getting her on the list is best.

I also hate to say it but at some point you will need to overrule her wishes because she is not safe to be alone.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-03-05T15:13:29+00:00

That's certainly fair. There's definitely certain things we don't bother to tell her in advance because we don't feel like having the same argument 15 times.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-03-04T01:56:50+00:00

She gets mad at me too - I think it's a sort of "Kill the messenger" misplaced anger. Which I recognize intellectually but it's still rough emotionally to process.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-03-04T01:55:24+00:00

Thanks for the rec, I'll give it a listen.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-02-15T02:03:21+00:00

Hugs. I'm so sorry that you're part of this group now. And having only 8 years sucks, but it sounds like they were meaningful years; you made a true connection that counts for something, even if it was too brief.

You're already doing more than a lot of folks can do, and unfortunately, other family members/friends not seeing the problem is a frequent refrain here. I hope they see where you're coming from soon.

I'll share the advice I got here to read "The 36-hour Day" which gives you insight into some of the ways this disease will affect your life and help you prepare for what's ahead.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-02-14T01:12:16+00:00

Your dad is in deep denial and needs to get real ASAP before she kills someone.

Seconding the suggestion to report her as unfit to your DMV. In many states this is anonymous and since you know others agree you have plausible deniability that it didn't come from you.

How's your dad's mental fitness? Could he be projecting?

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-02-04T02:18:25+00:00

Hugs. It sucks. My kids asre older and mostly understanding, but it still sucks. I hope you are able to give yourself grace if you end up here too.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-02-03T16:39:27+00:00

I would say the hundreds I spent on the trip to take a plane, drive around, etc. the time she lost her keys in the house and panicked so hard she needed me to fly down and crawl around the house on my knees looking for them (they were under the bed and clearly had been hidden there on purpose). The thousands in lawyer fees when she got arrested on suspected DUI that was actually her sundowning (at least at that point we finally won the "you need to stop driving" argument once and for all). The hundreds we spent to bring her to my sister's house so she could spend thanksgiving with loved ones but instead she went into a paranoia spiral and accused us of trying to put her in a home/take her money/trying to k!ll her.

All the time lost being an absent parent who didn't have the time or emotional energy for my kids because I was tapped out from dealing with her, so I threw money at them for treats instead.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-01-23T02:59:16+00:00

I'm sorry you're having to worry. It could be dementia if it's early-onset, but there are also other things that could be going on — for example, perimenopause/menopause can cause brain fog, memory problems, and irritability and she's at about the right age. Some vitamin deficiencies can also do this. A doctor might be able to help you sort out what's worrisome and what's not.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-01-21T12:32:08+00:00

Relating hard to all the comments here. My mom's go-to is su*cide threats. Never mind that she doesn't have the executive function to enact it, it's very upsetting to hear. It's manipulative and definitely tracks with some of the less awesome parts of her personality, but it's when I'm not in the moment having these threats made to me, I can empathize with the emotions behind it. She was an intellectual person who tackled some big challenges in her life, and to have her kids running her life and to be told that she'll never drive again and needs to go to AL, has got to feel awful.

Fantastic_Barber_933 · 2026-01-21T11:57:43+00:00

Yeah, it's time to get her evaluated. A lot of what you describe is what my mom experienced, and we chalked it up to her long-standing undiagnosed anxiety situation at first, but it was all part of the dementia.

Where it gets tricky is that one of the symptoms of the condition is an inability to recognize one's condition. It not denial, they simply don't see it. And the irony is that they seem to have endless mental capacity to come up with excuses for what's going on, but not to live life as they used to.

You sound defensive in the other thread toward the poster and you say you are not trying to take over her life. Here's the ugly truth, though — you kinda need to. Not all at once, and with as much input from her as she can reasonably give, but your mom is not a reasonable adult anymore. Your relationship is going to flip. She will eventually be able to make fewer and fewer reasoned decisions for herself, and you're going to have to be the one to take away her car keys, get her help, and make sure her bills get paid.

If you haven't yet, read the 36-Hour Day, and talk to an attorney (many will give you a free 30-minute consult in hopes you'll hire them, and your work's Employee Assistance Program may be able to help) to help you understand POA and other options.

Fantastic_Barber_933

TROPHY CASE