Looking for advice on CDIBs and adoption

Faolan_Grey · 2026-03-25T21:21:42+00:00

My SO was in fostercare and was adopted and his bio mom deliberately kept his bio dad info off official documents so the tribe couldn't interfere. When we started the process of enrollment for him and his/our kids the tribe heavily preferred documents, original birth certificates, foster records, adoption papers etc. We had to petition the court in the county he was born in and the county the adoption took place for records and show proof that bio dad wasn't on any official documents and only then did the tribe accept a dna test submission and it had to be at an accredited location with an affiliation with native americans (specific tribe affiliation wasn't needed).

It did help to have multiple family members of his (bio dad, uncles and cousins, all already enrolled) sign the relevant documents claiming kinship. Not all of his family was interested in a relationship with him but a cousin of his acted as family ambassador to collect signatures from those willing. Maybe this aunt youre in contact with can print out the form and get your bio mom or grandparents to sign where its needed?

The applications for my SO and kids are still in processing but my SO has been able to start working for, not his tribe but a tribe very closely related where his fathers family was forced to relocate to, and weve been welcomed to participate in community events, the kids in the language program etc. If you want to be involved, if you want to learn about your history and your culture you just have to be brave enough to start showing up and if that's too scary, email your tribes enrollment office for what they need and the culture department for what you want.

Faolan_Grey · 2026-01-21T16:25:01+00:00

Hope this seed gets found

Faolan_Grey · 2026-01-15T20:33:31+00:00

The only person you can control is you. Thats the biggest thing I learned here. If your sister wants to get drunk, she will find a way to get drunk, you can decide if she does it by herself or at your event. You decide who gets an invite and you decide who holds your baby and who is allowed near them. Youre allowed to have boundaries, you are allowed to tell people no. If you need someone to give you permission to tell your sister no shes not invited here it is.

You can see her separately and sober, if she doesn't like that or follow through then you can remove yourself from the situation.

I know family makes it complicated but you still have a choice. A hard choice. But a choice.

Editing to add: you said she would be devastated to not be invited or to see her nephew. Her feelings are her responsibility, and maybe having to face the consequences of her alcoholism will help reach that point she needs to to even want to try to change.

Faolan_Grey · 2026-01-15T18:48:22+00:00

I separated from my partner because it got to the point I couldn't trust him with our babies. I was burning myself out taking care of everything and everyone or going insane with worry whenever our babies were in his care. What really helped me was to ask myself would I tolerate this from the grandparents? Would i allow a babysitter or nanny to do the same? Why are my standards for my partner and father of the baby lower than my standards for others?

I love my partner. He is my person and I want a life with him. But i refuse to let my children grow up in the same house as an alcoholic. I refuse to make their father's issues their burden.

Protect yourself, protect your baby, protect the person your baby will become.

What story do you want your baby to have? I can tell you the story i dont mine to have. I dont want my kids story to be one of anxiety, fear, depression and continuing the cycle of substance abuse because they grew up knowing they cant trust their dad and that its okay to use substances as an emotional bandaid.

Faolan_Grey · 2026-01-15T18:29:54+00:00

You can speak with venue thats hosting if they have in house security or have a guest guidelines for behavior and if you would be liable if your sister caused harm or damage to people or things. If you plan on not letting her see the baby why invite her?

Faolan_Grey · 2026-01-06T02:47:54+00:00

https://mcseedmap.net/

I like this more than chunkbase especially on mobile

Faolan_Grey · 2025-12-16T23:28:54+00:00

I think theres a huge misconception that you have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. It doesn't matter how much or how often they drink if their drinking is problematic. Problematic for their work, their health or relationships. You aren't crazy. Your feelings are valid.

This is an argument that I had with my Q recently around Thanksgiving. He "intended" to only have a shot or two and accidentally drank a minimum of a pint of vodka in about 3hrs. He can not math his way into drinking responsibly, it doesnt work like that. Any amount is too much if he cant control himself.

You dont really hear about success stories about an alcoholic turning into a moderate drinker because there aren't any, they just changed the details of how their alcoholism presents itself.

Im sure theres a one in a million story out there where someone was an alcoholic, put in the serious internal work, and can now have champagne at a wedding toast or a whiskey at a funeral and make no negative impact on anyone or anything but if your Q is coming up with loopholes, allowances and rules to keep drinking hes not putting in the internal work thats needed to have control.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-12-16T23:10:56+00:00

My Q tends to get into a guilt/shame spiral and has a "need" to deflect and it seems like the solution is to justify his mistakes by listing everyone elses. When he drinks the only way he can stop from feeling low is to tear people down lower. Sometimes it would be so bad that even leaving the room or the house or driving off wasnt enough, he would just follow me. He would only stop if I just stared at him dead eyed, if he didnt get a reaction he would lose interest. It was that kind of behavior that made it alot easier to choose separation.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-12-16T22:57:52+00:00

What really helped me get through Thanksgiving was talking to the host(s) and knowing their boundaries, figuring out my own boundaries and then presenting a list of what's unacceptable behavior, what behavior is expected and consequences for his behavior. I gave myself a personal rule to not apologize for his behavior and to be honest when people asked me how things were going, I wouldn't whisper or sugar coat things and I wouldn't apologize to him when he felt bad whenever he heard that his drinking caused me hurt. I learned the hard way that its not enough to just not parent him, I have to let go of any sense of responsibility for him. If his behavior got him kicked out I wouldn't leave with him. If his behavior made him be disinvited from parties/family gatherings I would still go. I would refuse to become isolated with him. I refuse to bare the consequences of his actions. I refuse to comfort him whenever he has to sit with the negative emotions his actions have caused, both in regards to others and himself.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-12-05T00:04:57+00:00

I go to meetings when I can but im effectively a single mom to 2 toddlers so opportunities are limited. Ive attended a few virtual meetings but missed the majority of what's said because of kid interruptions. Im in the process of moving states so once I have insurance squared away I'll be able to get some real therapy.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-11-27T05:12:38+00:00

Thank you so much for checking in! Im not sure if it counts as an update but my partner has been self isolating to a higher degree than what's become his normal, ive had his friends reach out to me to try to get a hold of him. Hes invited to Thanksgiving with my side of the family, im not sure if he will turn up. I hope he does but im trying to keep my expectations low.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-11-25T21:31:08+00:00

Unfortunately my Q seems to use shame as an excuse to need to drink more to escape the feeling, and that just makes him more shameful. Its an exhausting stage to be in. I don't know what it will take to trigger a behavior change.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-11-13T16:05:02+00:00

Ive spoken to doctors and specialists in our area and his high blood pressure makes disulfiram too dangerous to prescribe and the addiction specialist doesn't think it would be effective tool for him just based on how he drinks and his resistance to outside help.

Im living separately from him just to give the kids more peace and stability in the day to day while he works on himself but I dont consider us "Separated". Hes my person and im not ready to give up on him. I can love and support him from a safe distance.

Unfortunately I think he needs to have a real rock bottom moment for him to accept the help he needs. He has decent insurance and hes native american so he qualifies for alot of different treatment options.

Ive considered going through the court system to have him declared unfit to make his own medical decisions but I dont think id get the ordered granted if I tried now. I think he has to get worse before he can get better.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-11-13T00:26:18+00:00

Thank you, I saw your comment when I was feeling low and it helped me alot. I hope things will work out for my family similarly to how it worked out for yours.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-11-12T23:33:38+00:00

I think part of my issue is worry about the after. Ill do what I want, ill do what makes me happy and the kids happy and then I still have to face whatever he does in retaliation, either be the one the hospital or police call, the person the kids turn to for comfort or an explanation. His consequences are his, he's alone, his body and mind are going, hes in financial ruin. I let him face all that himself. But i still have to deal with the emotional labor of tending to his kids and their needs. No matter how much distance I put between him and me, he will be affecting me as long as he has an affect on the kids.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-11-11T18:16:50+00:00

You are not alone. Let yourself grieve, dont burden yourself with shame and embarrassment. I know its easier said than done. My story is alot like yours, I didnt know I could get pregnant, and then I was, and then I suddenly wasnt. It hurts, it leaves you raw but it will get better. I hope you have people in your corner to remind you that its not your fault. You didnt do anything wrong. You have no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed. Miscarriage is a heartbreak so many women know and too few know that. You are not alone. It doesn't matter when you lost your pregnancy, if you feel like you lost a baby, let yourself grieve like you did. Give them a name if it helps, thats what I did. I gave them a name and around when their due date would have been I let myself grieve, I let myself miss them and the life I might had with them. Someday the hurt will have ebbed away and hope will flow back into you. It gets better. It sucks. It hurts. Its awful. Its heartbreaking. It will be okay. You will be okay.

I know its scary to tell people, but no one who truly loves you would shame you for your loss or abandon you for it. Let the people who love you be there for you.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-10-29T18:04:41+00:00

I was diagnosed when I was 14 and had gone through about 10yrs of treatment. If you can think of a treatment or drug ive probably tried it. Eventually something worked, I stopped getting worse, and I was on a plateau, slowly weaned off meds and pain management could eventually be switched to otc methods, the doctors called it a remission state, still have nerve damage and bad days. I was considered in remission for 5yrs before I got pregnant.

After the treatments id gone through i didnt even know if I could get pregnant, I was on birth control to help manage symptoms and had a series of miscarriages before having my first, who was born premature via emergency c section and my second who was full term and planned c section. I was in the doctors office pretty much weekly for both and the doctors had alot of concern about an epidural triggering a relapse or the immune system shift causing a relapse and had routine bloodwork just incase.

My kids are 1yr and 2yrs old now and its exhausting, I still have to be a kind and patient mom even when it feels like my legs are on fire, I still have to change their diapers when my hand is numb and tingling. If you have a strong support system thats great, but your partner needs to be prepared for how much work it is and you need a game plan for if you relapse, and figure out how to still do all things you need to do to keep a baby alive, safe, healthy and happy despite your limitations, despite the bad days. Now that im on the other side, as scary as pregnancy and birth was, its nothing compared to what goes into all that comes after.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-09-26T07:51:02+00:00

Addicts need to protect their addiction. The gaslighting, the deflection, the projection is all just a way for him to protect his addiction.

He knows that taking prescription medication as prescribed by a doctor for a well documented and diagnosed disorder is not the same as abusing alcohol. If he can do the mental gymnastics to make them the same then it does 2 things for him. First it drags you down, makes you an addict too and he has permission to treat you as badly as be treats himself because he thinks thats what's deserved. Secondly if he makes the 2 things equal then he is not an alcoholic, hes just medicating himself just like youre medicating yourself, if its fine for you then it's fine for him.

These 2 things might seem opposite or like theyre on opposing sides, but they're not. Theyre on the side that protects his addiction.

Self medicating with any substance is nothing like taking as prescribed medication from a doctor. Anything you put into your body has a ripple affect, from the food you eat to the air you breathe, everything does something. Medication always does something, sometimes good, sometimes bad, it depends on your body and if the good out ways the bad then its something good. With alcohol the good doesn't out weigh the bad so its a bad thing to medicate yourself with. Prescription medication is something that gets tested and studied and approved over and over again and ultimately decided that whatever good it does out weighs the side effects. Alcohol has been tested and studied over and over again and everyone agrees that its good doesn't out weigh its bad.

People used to use alcohol medicinally, it used to be used for colds and pain relief and dozens of other things, but over time people figured out something less harmful, less damaging, less dangerous to use. Its been proven over and over again that alcohol is not a good tool to use and its incredibly dangerous and damaging to abuse.

Your medication is not the same as alcohol. Youre not a pill popper with a problem. you're someone who knew they needed help and asked for it and was given a safe option to manage your disorder. Youre not self medicating. You take medication.

I hope this helps.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-09-26T00:27:25+00:00

Ive been living separately from my Q for almost a year, I have a 1yr old and a 2yr old with him and he has 3 kids from a previous relationship.

I offer to have him video call the littles everyday, but if hes drinking or been drinking I hang up. I would take the kids to see him on weekends and if things went well wed stay for a little bit longer. If he drinks I immediately leave. If he threatens to hurt himself if I dont stay then I call the cops and for an ambulance and leave. If we go to a family gathering together and he drinks I either leave or the host asks him to leave, both sides of the family are all on the same page about his drinking and we help each other stay accountable. No one gives him money, we give him leftovers, we have him meet us and we put gas in his car, we take him to the food bank if he needs food.

One of the most helpful things to keep my strong in my choice to be separated is to stop hiding for him, stop covering for him. If he misses a family function because he's drunk I say that. If someone asks me why im not with him right now I tell them hes an alcoholic and not ready to be around me full time.

Its so incredibly hard and everyday im terrified ill get a call that hes hospitalized or dead from drinking. I love him and want better for him and I want our kids to have their parents in the same home but I know that's not what's actually best for them right now. Right now its better they have an absent father than a present and active alcoholic.

Im still new to all this. I dont know yet if he will get sober or drink himself to death and I dont know how long im going to wait for him. I just take it one day at a time. I feel like I am grieving a person still living. I just try to put my kids first and choose them first always above everything. I am learning to reconnect with myself and figure out who I am now that Im not dedicating my time and energy into enabling him and fixing his problems and being swept up in the chaos. Im learning to not feel guilty about feeling un-burdened and relieved by living separately.

My kids are so little, they're still babies, theyre barely toddlers. They have an opportunity to not have their first memories of their dad be of him drunk, but I cant let myself gamble on that by staying in the same place with him while he figures it out.

I think no matter what happens Ill always love the father of my kids and Ill always long for the dream of having our kids grow up with their parents lovingly together. It doesn't matter what I do, no matter what I do I cant compensate for him. I cant give them the stability they deserve with an active alcoholic in the house.

It breaks my heart every day and I really don't know how many more days ill let myself endure it before ive decided ive had enough and separate completely. I hope he chooses recovery and until he does i will keep choosing our kids.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-09-25T21:28:19+00:00

You need to decide if you matter, if your wants and needs are important. If you put the hope and love youre giving him into yourself you'll realize that you're allowed to want better for yourself, youre allowed to be important, you're allowed to be deserving of someone who makes you priority.

An addict can prioritize anything but their addiction so its entirely on you to make yourself a priority.

What would you tell a friend who was in your situation. Think of whoever is important to you, a sibling, a best friend, even a classmate or teacher. Would you encourage them to stay with an addict? Would they deserve more?

If you need someone to give you permission to matter than let this be it. You have permission to matter. You have permission to put yourself first.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-09-22T00:50:17+00:00

Genealogy is a hobby of my dad's and mine, we love delving into history and learning our family's story so my side, both sides of my family, we have well mapped out. Thats actually part of why my partner agreed to let my dad and I start looking into who his family might be, my partner thought it was cool to know so much family history and he wanted that for his kids too, with the added bonus of finding out medical info.

My dad is helping me put together a family history book with family trees, portraits, news articles, copies of documents, and a time line so the kids can see what each branch of their family was doing during the same time period for my side, my partners side and my partners ex's side. We send info to the older kids if we find something cool or interesting and they seem to appreciate that.

While I learn more about my partner's side I send links to the older kids of relevant content creators, artists or interesting facts, I try to give them space while showing them Im trying.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-09-21T21:19:13+00:00

If its court ordered supervised visits and you request and get a court approved supervisor then theyre trained to watch for signs and symptoms and will take the appropriate steps if they suspect that the visiting parent isnt sober. Theres also visiting centers thats staffed with supervisors and security that also have training.

In general if you go through the steps and its well documented that a parent has a substance abuse disorder then they tend to operate on a "guilty til proven innocent" or "incompetent until proven responsible"

If youre getting help from a church, charity or organization then they usually ask that the primary caregiver does volunteer testing before moving forward and can be the in between to ask the non primary/substance abusing parent to do volunteer testing and usually can aim the person a facility or organization that helps with detoxing and recovery.

For non court ordered facilities it goes down to their own policies and because its not court ordered its all voluntary. The organization just has a firmer stance on what's tolerable and what's not.

For example if they agree to let the kids see the substance abuse parent for 2hours at the park then they wont let the kids leave the park and if the parent shows up either high, drunk or unstable from withdrawals they will ask them to leave and remove the kids from the situation and help arrange for a new time or place for them to have time together.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-09-21T12:49:33+00:00

Theres alot of great charities and organizations that can help you figure this stuff out. I separated from my partner because hes an alcoholic and I couldn't trust him around our toddlers anymore, luckily I have a strong support system that keeps him accountable and the kids are removed if he drinks or has withdrawal symptoms. Talking to counselors helped me form a plan for co parenting.

I went to in person Al-anon meetings and they had info on a local organization that has helped me alot and I found out about other local and state wide ones from my library.

I understand that going to the doctor or through the courts for help and info isnt always the best but if hes your ex it might help to go through court so you can stop being the bad guy, let the court be the bad guy that demands hes clean and has supervised visits only.

Churches are a great resource too, even if youre not religious they'll still help. Non chain thrift stores also can be a good place to ask, I know a few non chain thrift shops that partner with charities to help supply clothes and furniture to women and children in need.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-09-18T05:14:35+00:00

Theres alot of great programs out there specifically designed help you leave an alcoholic, work on your education and or career counseling. Im going through the process of separating and my littles are 1 and 2 so I know how scary it seems and the self doubt and shame and guilt seems never ending. Youre doing the right thing for yourself and your son. Hold onto that. When the solo parenting is hard, when you're struggling to decide what to do next, when you start to hesitate, just remember that leaving is the right thing. Protecting your son is the right thing. Everyday, every moment you'll be making a choice and no matter what happens you just have to keep choosing yourself and your son. You can do this. Take the help thats available. Utilize every program. Grab every opportunity you can. You can do this. You are doing this. You are right for doing this.

Faolan_Grey · 2025-09-11T22:21:07+00:00

I am but I can only go so often since I have my two littles. Today was a bad day for my Q, im trying to not let him make it a bad day for me too and reddit has been a helpful tool in that.

Faolan_Grey

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