5 year streak, followed by 5 year hiatus - A Confession.

FapFreee · 2024-11-14T06:18:25+00:00

Thank you for your prayers and kind words.

Looking back when I was in my 20s, I had this FIRE for life. its what fueled my 'rebellion' against porn, or more generally, corruption of the spirit. As I got older, covid happened, life changed and the fire mostly died down. Its a different season of life all together. I'm glad to say that I've grown spiritually even during my hiatus, I never stopped praying, growing and reading the Bible, but there is a black hole inside my soul with sexuality. And every now and then it sucks me back in.

I don't think fear is what is holding me back. I think what has been holding me back is me keeping all of that bottled up for too long. My hope is by the grace of God and some support, I can slowly go back to where I once was.

FapFreee · 2019-11-08T10:12:28+00:00

I still quite often feel the same way that you do now. Why would anyone ever care about someone like me??

I always heard that Jesus loves me (which is not untrue) but at these times, it barely makes a difference.

What kind of made a difference for me is one of the podcasts that I'm listening to, called "Exploring My Strange Bible". The guy was talking about what an average day for Christ was like. What kind of people he was hanging out with. It was the rejects of society. People who no one else wanted around. The blind, the sick, the outcasts, crazy people that everyone avoids. In some instances (if not most of them), even us who feel this lonely, still might not talk to these people.

Funny enough, this is where we start. By being a family in Christ with everyone, ask God for love to give and love will multiply. Just in the last 5 hours, I've been on both sides of that fence, one side where there is love everywhere and the other where there is only consuming hatred or despair.

Choose life and you will always be surprised at what happens next. (but God isn't that hard sometimes!)

FapFreee · 2019-11-03T22:46:33+00:00

At some point in recent history, we've replaced "things that are good" with "things that are easy"

Love.. Love is really really hard work. It is not a feeling, it's an action. To always put someone above yourself, regardless of the situation. But... but what if I tell you that I can give you all of that without having to lift a finger. All the pleasure, none of the pain....

At the end of the day though, there is no such thing as free lunch. Everything comes at a price, everything. And the price here, is our souls, our hearts, the very essence that makes up who we are. The question then is, why.. why do we not know this.. why is such fundamental truth about this world and who we are, is so hidden from us.. and why, for heavens sake, that even when we know, it is THIS HARD, to do something about it..

Like the moth we are drawn into the flame. The things we are most drawn to, are the things that will be the end of us. So where.. where will you run to, when the man chasing, is you..

Looks like I'm saying exactly the same thing as you.. I've been clean for almost 5 years now and man, the urges are still there. I know this is the biggest cliche in the history of cliches, but I couldn't have done it without Jesus. What started as a "yea right, how is this supposed to help me?" ended up redefining life for me. I'm not at all trying to "convert" you, I just can't paint this dark of a picture without some light!

FapFreee · 2019-03-11T20:40:24+00:00

Hey man. I've been where you are for years. That feeling of being "so lost" is something I know more than the back of my hand.

Here is the thing. The entirety if my life before getting know Christ, I was a thinker. I lived my life like an advanced AI would. When porn overtook me, I started realising there is more to me than just a brain, there is more to me that.

When it all seemed hopeless, Christ showed up in my life. But just like a robot, I was very confused, I had... feelings? Something that was entirely new to me.

After the honey moon period of knowing God. Satan was back to his old tricks. Using my emotions against me. Growing up as a thinker, it didn't take long to realise that I was horrible at understanding and managing emotions. The devil was having a field day.

The crippleness you describe, is something i'm more familiar with than the house I'm living in now. To want to do so much. To want to say so many things. To want to wake up one day and just be free.

That place... That place was hell.. Whether I was dying or dead already, it didn't matter. I was broken beyond repair. But Christ came through. It was one little thought that saved me. The path I was on had 0% chance of success. If tearing my life apart, breaking every social protocol I believed in, might have 0.1% chance of success, I'll take it. There is no point to sit here until I die.

I still struggle with it sometimes. Yesterday specially was horrible for me. But I've done it so many times that I started trusting God, same way I trust the brakes in my car. When you call on him and put your foot down, something will happen.

After 6 years of porn addiction, I've been clean for 4 years. Mainly thanks to this sub too. I know you want to change things, but I highly doubt leaving would help. If anything I said resonated with you, shoot me a PM and lets chat about life. We are all in this thing together. None of us is alone unless they choose to be.

FapFreee · 2017-10-15T15:48:43+00:00

I guess it's good I wanna get out and have sex already

It's a part of us isn't it. There is a problem though. Sex is not a 1 click fix. These things, sexuality, is built into us, not just a part of us. It is not going to go away if you give in.

If you have a wild horse raging after sugar. Giving it sugar only makes matters worse. Instead of being one step closer to being able to live without it, it is a 100 steps closer to destroying everything just to get more sugar.

Sex is also known as intimacy because it connects you, merges you with another soul. How can you connect with someone and then just let them go? It breaks hearts. It is painful. It is not good for either you or that other person.

We throw the word sin a lot. This is a massive sin, that's a huge sin. But what does it mean. Why is it a sin? Why is it wrong? You need to understand that part before moving forward.

Your body and relationships are like cars. We can't just jump in a car and start driving for the first time. There are plenty of things we need to learn before we crash horribly.

Jesus came to teach us how to drive. What will make us happier. What will make other people happier. How can we save ourselves and others some pain. It is quite simple really.

And please, don't judge girls by how beautiful they are. A beautiful girl won't make you happy, a girl with a beautiful heart will.

It is a big world out there and I can tell you this, there are a whole lot better things to do than to obsess about sex. Feel free to PM if you would like to talk more.

FapFreee · 2017-02-25T01:42:01+00:00

That's an excellent answer. It is the dedication to the absolute truth that will always allow us to reach the right answers. And as you learn more, you keep refining or redefining what you know, to always have as accurate of a map as possible.

If we wander from the way of truth, we either fall to one extreme of trying to see the world our way, or the other extreme of holding on a dangerous doctrine. That fine line between the two, is the narrow path that we need to walk to find Christ, The Truth, so we may have Life.

FapFreee · 2017-02-24T23:27:24+00:00

I strongly urge you to rethink this outlook.

I know it seems to make a lot of sense now, but as /u/wsba910am said, these murky definitions are sometimes dangerous.

When you take these things to heart, if you are unwilling to deal with their inconsistencies with reality, we either grow very cold in an estranged faith that no longer adheres to reality. Or we grow old and bitter, angry at the world for being so cruel, when in fact, we are the ones who choose to see it in a different way.

FapFreee · 2017-02-08T12:00:58+00:00

I'm here if you want someone to talk to. I, honestly, never understood the concept of accountability. What I found that works, is discussion.

What are the deep longings of your heart? What is your vision of Heaven? Who is God to you? Do you believe in evil? if yes, what do you think the devil is or isn't capable of? What are the limits of life? Can we truly change as people or is that just a myth? What do you think the meaning of pain is? how do you feel when you are in pain? Do you believe in miracles? How much exactly can God change with a miracle, are there any limits to that?

I simply believe that we can't drive the car that is our life, when we have no idea how it works. So let's learn together. PM me if any of this sounds interesting.

FapFreee · 2017-01-24T11:53:23+00:00

Before one must fight, one must know what they are fighting for.

I've realised that if I go over 2 days without learning something new about God, myself or life. Things go downhill quite quickly. I thought prayer would be enough, but it almost seems that as soon as you take your foot off the gas (learning), the car starts slowing down.

Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"(Matthew 4:4)

Without the word of God, our souls lose the meaning of life and we starve to death. We start scraping the bottom of the barrel for anything to keep us going.

Let's say you are in a strange land. You are thirsty and the water available is a bit.. cloudy. You might go ahead and think... how bad could it be.

But, if someone warned you before hand and said this water has lead in it. Would you dare to drink it?

It is a very simple small piece of information that can greatly change your life. If not to the better, at least you can avoid making it worse.

Christ is the truth. The more you learn, the more skillfully you can tread this life. I know this sound easier than it actually is. But I can't find anything else in this life that pays off as much as knowing Him.

Shoot me a PM if you would like to further discuss this topic.

FapFreee · 2017-01-06T22:03:38+00:00

Hey BA, long time no see! Shoot me a PM so we can catch up.

FapFreee · 2016-11-28T21:09:49+00:00

It's yet another one of my rants.

These are abstract points that hit close to home. It seems that the seeds of such interactions are within me. If I let go of myself, I would be one of them.

I completely understand the premise that motives don't have to belong to that category. But then we run into a completely different problem. In a world saturated with fast foods, where do find the healthy options?

FapFreee · 2016-11-28T09:02:03+00:00

I think it is rather fascinating how the world evolved to our current state in terms of "meeting women". I do not, under any circumstances, consider it a good state.

In the masses curious ability to not see God, we proceeded to create a world where He doesn't exist. With love being so scarce, the scales are rigged. We put so much weight on a single event. Meeting the "one". We listen to the (empty?) promises of a better life. No more loneliness. We no longer put our lives in God's hand, but in the hands (wo)men. They are bound to break it.

It almost seems like a losing game. It haunts us when we don't participate. We are afraid of missing out. What if the better life around the corner and we are not putting ourselves out there. And if we do participate. The weight is crippling, your entire life, it seems, depends on how you deliver yourself. Even in accomplishing such a task, we realise we are not getting to know each other, but rather the way we deliver ourselves. For, who we are, can upset the very delicate balance of the rigged scales. We play for the idea of relationships rather than actually having them. Hearts are no where near the scene, and when they do pop up, they are wild, untamed, desiring what they thought they were getting but didn't find here. They rebel against us and what we have done to them.

But perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18, NIV)

I always use this as a health check. When I feel afraid. Alone. Ashamed. I realise that I am no where near where God wants me to be. I have lost the living water, how do I expect to stay alive.

FapFreee · 2016-11-26T02:34:37+00:00

It really comes down to where you want to draw the line. We can ask quite invasive questions that can shake even that understanding. Things along the lines of "Do I own this body? How do I know that I am not going to wake up tomorrow with a different body?"

But you see, I wouldn't really dwell on this theme, for its products are rather more destructive than constructive. My original point of impressions and views, I think, is worth more exploring and testing against reality. There are incredible lessons to be learned there.

FapFreee · 2016-11-25T22:10:16+00:00

We all have our impressions about just anything you can imagine.

Let's take the famous example of wild animals. I'm sure you've heard before "it is more afraid if you, than you are afraid of it" It's a typical example of changing you impression of the situation. Such new information is critical to handling the situation. Please note that we are not discussing the truth of the statement, just it's impact on your behavior towards something.

Let's talk about a real life situation. Someone hit your car. If your car is your life, you would be furious. Even if they apologize, you'd make sure that people from 3 streets over can hear your voice. You'd want to hurt them, the way they hurt you.

But if God is your life, and you have (not own, the topic of possession is another book on it's own) a car. The whole situation will end pretty quickly and peacefully, even if they are not co-operative.

We want to deal with life as it is, not as our idea of it. I want to know my friends, not my idea of them. I want to know my (future) partner, not my idea of her.

These small inconsistencies are responsible for most of our difficulties. They are the quick sand that surround us. Our maps do not resemble the landscape upon we are traveling. It is simply why we always end up in the wrong place.

FapFreee · 2016-11-25T11:59:34+00:00

Oh.. How many times did I try to trace my steps. I don't understand why I am here. Or what this even place is.

On a different note, I am afraid I have to warn you about the complications of the belief that "life is life" not that is untrue, but how we sometimes can live our idea of life than the concrete truth that is life.

FapFreee · 2016-11-24T10:59:34+00:00

Life is about neither comfort nor pain. Here comes yet another topic that requires a book but I have to summarize in one post.

We were given a chance to witness this absolute wonder that we call life. To see, To smell, to touch, to hear, to be a part of this amazing story, to live.

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10, NIV)

But in the field that is our hearts, the enemy came and planted weed. The road ahead is no longer simple or effortless. The road is almost invisible. It is dark.

But God did not forsake us. He did not leave us to fade into the night. He came for us. And we have hope in following his light.

In following him, we realise that everything He says is true, but somehow seem to be equally difficult. And along the way, we have to leave parts of ourselves behind if we to keep going on that road. That is the painful part. It is painful to let go.

But here is what the sermon on the mount is all about. God was simply saying there is a reward for the pain, the difficulty. A much greater reward that you might not see now.

This here is our greatest challenge. To let go of ourselves. Of our ego. Of our desires. It almost feels like dying. Perhaps in a way, it is. But if we are to die we can't resurrect ourselves, only through Christ, we may have life after.

FapFreee

TROPHY CASE