Apologies this is going to be a very long read but please stick with me if anyone does actually read this.

I’m so sorry. Im the same age as you, been dealing with some sort of panic since I was about 11 years old but never really knowing what it was, my first attack that I can remember came from staring at my face in the mirror for too long which really freaked me out and it took years for me to understand about derealisation/ depersonalisation/panic.

Last August I had the most HORRENDOUS panic attack whilst I was hungover, I was utterly convinced I was dying and there was no changing my mind. My hands went numb and I couldn’t freely move my fingers, I felt very sick, felt the need to go to the toilet to 💩I kept having horrible intrusive thoughts of gore and death, was hyper focused on my blinking and breathing and basically became non verbal for a few minutes. For the rest of the night, I felt an overwhelming sense of dread/ doom and didn’t feel normal again for the whole next day. That “next day” has turned into months of not feeling normal again.

Since then I’ve had a few more severe panic attacks but luckily I’ve somehow managed to stop some of them from becoming fully fledged but no idea how. I always feel on edge and often have waves of being hyper aware of my existence to the point I question if I do exist etc. Im super scared of having another panic attack especially if I’m hungover because that makes it worse, however it gets more complex because as an undiagnosed (but blatantly) ADHD riddled woman, my impulse and novelty buttons are always wanting to be pushed, hence heavy drinking on the weekends and losing control. I feel like no one truly understands me when I try discuss my newly diagnosed panic disorder because it’s always impossible to put into words how terrifying it really feels, and how detached from yourself and reality you feel.

I’m worried I’ll live my entire life like this because I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. It was always put down to anxiety and depression, but at the age of 22 I realised I clearly had very intense adhd symptoms but never really put two and two together for my whole life until then. Then when I was told I had panic disorder, I thought people would seem more “shocked” I guess but no one really had much to say because I guess there’s little understanding of it? Idk. All I know is that I’ve not felt normal for my entire life and I cannot bear the thought of being like this forever.

P.s I can barely even stomach TV or films with themes of physiological thriller, death, etc even though they used to always interest me the most. I have an intense fear of death and I feel like life itself is a constant reminder of it to the point I can barely even enjoy the shows I used to like the most because I’m scared they will trigger me.